According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. In other words, the person who stays monogamous within her marriage is among a growing minority.
1. Nurture Safe Friendships This is the most important affair-preventer in my life. No marriage can give you everything. A husband is going to have interests that his wife will never care about like fishing, hunting, or golfing. So he's less likely to stray if he can find some good guy buddies with whom to fish, hunt, and golf.
2. Recognize the Drug Depressives and addicts are especially prone to affairs because of the head rush that comes with infatuation. The spikes in dopamine and norepinephrine we experience upon connecting with someone new fools us into thinking that the sexy man or attractive woman at the bar holds the key to our nirvana and the end to our problems. This is the same as, say, the high from cocaine. Recognizing that that rush is not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no."
3. Keep Dating I'm serious here. Visiting with your spouse with some regularity--just the two of you and no one else--will bring some very definite rewards to a marriage. By dating, you will learn how to TALK to each other again. In her book, "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel urges a client to imagine her spouse as if she has just met him, to put him into that mysterious category again. This is really hard when you got a little one screaming, "Wipe me!" from the bathroom. However, when you can pull it off, I find her theory very effective.
Here are a few rules for date night:* No kid talk * No eavesdropping * No fighting * No flirting (with other people) * No whining or crying * No flatulence * No technology (cellphones, BlackBerries, iPhones, or iPods) * No interrupting * No belching, spitting, or vomiting * No heavy boozing * No blogging about it * No Christmas sweaters, polyester dresses, or ratty underwear.
4. Pray Together I know how those two words sound: just like the instructions of a couple leading a Catholic marriage preparation program (Pre-Cana) who told the engaged couples to "hold hands while they fight." Yeah right. Thanks for that advice!
I can't help but think there is some truth to what my high school teacher said about the braid of a marriage: you need God as that third strand to create the beautiful bond between a man and a woman. And that Fr. Peyton really knew what he was talking about when he coined the phrase, "a family that prays together stays together."
5. Find a Creative Outlet People get lured into emotional and physical affairs because the infatuation provides an exciting, stimulating place where they are energized.
So to stay affair-proof, you have to find other sources of stimulation and excitement. For me, my blog is that outlet. I can't wait to log on each day to see what all of my dear readers have to say. When I get overwhelmed by the domestic chaos of our lives, Beyond Blue provides me that outlet where I can create something new, where I can run away, however temporarily, from the stress.
"The desire to give oneself completely and purposefully pursues us always, and has its part in pushing us into more and more distractions, illusory love affairs, or the haven of hospitals and doctors' offices," writes Anne Morrow Lindbergh in "Gift From the Sea." In order to not be torn into pieces by all of life's distraction--and affairs fit into this category--Lindbergh urges women (and I add men) to seek a creative outlet, something of her own, in which to pour that energy that could so quickly shatter her marriage.
6. Hang Out with Happy Couples According to the latest studies, the risk for obesity increased 171 percent among persons with obese friends. The risk only increased 37 percent for persons with an obese spouse, and 40 percent for folks with obese siblings.
That says to me that peer pressure never really goes away, and that your friends influence you more than you think. So if you're hanging with a bunch of guys (or girls) that see nothing wrong with sleeping around, you are much more likely to do it yourself.
The good news is that the opposite is also true. If you have a set of friends committed to their marriages, you will be less likely to cheat on your spouse.
7. Learn How to Fight I'm not going to tell you to hold hands, like that woman at the Pre-Cana (Catholic marriage preparation) session. But this good advice did actually come from the couple who facilitated Eric's and my Pre-Cana obligation. They told us to wait before saying something really ugly, and make sure you weren't tired or hungry, or in a stressful situation.
I'm not saying that you can't confront your spouse if you're tired, hungry, or stressed, because then we'd live in a silent world. BUT it's a good idea to recognize situations that tend to accelerate arguments. For Eric and me, that's two places: in the car (because I'm a nervous passenger, and so is he), and on a sailboat (where we argue about which one of us is a more capable skipper and can better read the wind).
8. Be Nice and Listen "Duh," you're saying to yourself. But think about it. This is the hardest part about marriage. Listening. Keeping your mouth closed when the other person is talking. And then, at the appropriate time, saying something like, "I'm so sorry you're feeling that way" as you rub his back, instead of "If you would have done it this way, then you could have prevented that, Butthead."
In my conversations with men and women who have had affairs, the number one reason for pursuing the affair was this: "She listened to me. I mattered to him."
9. Remember These Tools Never forget that you have a toolbox of resources to draw on when you feel tempted by an extramarital affair. Here are some tools offered to me by those healing from affairs, insights to keep in mind when you feel that familiar head rush and are tempted to abandon logic for a thrill:
Don't go there: Don't put yourself in a threatening situation. Skip the conference in Hawaii with the colleague who flirts with you. If you absolutely have to go, avoid all opportunities to be alone with him.
You've got mail: When you don't know if your email crosses the line into appropriate language, send it to yourself first. Read it again, and ask yourself: would I feel comfortable showing this to my husband?
Dress with intentions: One woman told me that she saved her lingerie for her husband, and wore the ratty old underwear to the high-school reunion where she'd see a flame from the past.
Talk about your spouse: A guy friend told me that whenever he is alone with a woman he finds attractive and things are getting uncomfortable, he'll start talking about his wife--what her hobbies are, and how much he loves her. It immediately kills the mood.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
B. The Husband Is Responsible to Provide Family Income and the Wife Is Responsible To Be The Homemaker.
The Bible often states the husband's responsibility to provide family income.
Genesis 3:17-19 - From the beginning the man was responsible to labor with his hands to provide bread A man who is able to do this but will not, is lazy and foolish (Proverbs 24:30-34). [1 Thessalonians 4:10-12; 2 Thessalonians 3:10]
Ephesians 5:28-31 - The man should labor, not just to provide for himself, but also to "nourish and cherish" his wife as he does his own body. These terms include providing and caring for her, as well as protecting her. (Cf. v23.)
1 Timothy 5:8 - The man who will not provide for his own, especially his own household, is worse than an unbeliever. Yet, all across the country there are men who fail to provide for their families as they ought. Even though they are able-bodied, they live off welfare or off relatives or institutions. Meantime, their families suffer.
The Bible is filled with examples of men who were employed in various occupations by which they provided for their families, including occupations that often took them away from their families through the day. This includes sailors, shepherds, physicians, tax collectors, carpenters, fishermen, preachers, etc. There is no passage, however, that teaches wives, especially if they are mothers, that they are similarly obligated to leave their families and work to provide income.
Mothers are instructed to be homemakers, managing the home.
Bible teaching
Genesis 2:18ff - The wife was created to be a companion and helper to her husband. She finds her fulfillment, not in competing with the husband in his work nor in taking his responsibilities, but in assisting him. [Titus 2:4]
1 Timothy 5:14 - She should manage the household. (Cf. Proverbs 31:27.)
Titus 2:5 - She should be taught by the older women to be a homemaker (NKJV; "worker at home" - ASV).
Psalm 113:9 - She should rejoice and praise God for her role as mother and keeper of a home. Husbands ought to praise their wives for fulfilling this role.
Proverbs 7:11,12 - It is a shame for a woman to gad about instead of staying at home.
John 10:11-14 - Some work cannot be done by one who is simply hired, as well as it can be done by one who has a personal relationship. What is true of caring for mere animals would surely also be true of caring for our family members. Ladies, no one can love and care for your husbands and your children like you can. Can you hire another woman to fulfill your role as companion to your husband and submit to him in your place? Then why think your can hire a day-care center, babysitter, or other hireling to love and care for your children in your place?
Applications
The roles of wife, mother, and homemaker are not the only responsibilities God requires of women. He also requires them to teach His word, be active in the church, care for the needy, visit the sick, and be diligent in prayer and Bible study, etc. Some of these activities may even briefly take her away from her house. But it should be clear that filling all her God-given roles would constitute a full-time job for any mother.
The Bible simply does not approve of the idea of modern society that family roles are to be shared equally or interchanged or hired out to others. Most of the major problems that exist in modern homes can be traced to a failure of husband, wife, or both to understand and properly fill their God-given role.
There may be circumstances in which the husband or wife is unable to do their work, so their spouse may take the duties of a companion in an emergency circumstance. And wives may find ways to contribute to family income without leaving their children or neglecting their families or their homes. But the fact remains that God said the man is responsible to be the head of the family and the one to provide the income, and he said that the woman is to be in subjection and is to be the homemaker. Yet, all across the country there are families in deep trouble because husbands and/or wives neglect their God-given duties because they spend so much time doing things other than what God requires them to do.
Young ladies, make sure you marry a young man who is willing and able to provide for you and the family. If he doesn't hold down a job or doesn't show clear evidence of being able to provide an adequate living, or if he might encourage or even expect you to work so you cannot stay home and be a mother to your children, you need to resolve this before marriage. And while you should prepare to provide for yourself if you cannot find the right young man to marry, nevertheless you need to organize your education and lifestyle so that, when the right man does come along, you are prepared and willing to be a fulltime homemaker.
Young men, you make sure that the young woman you marry is committed to staying home and being a fulltime mother to your children. If she is career-minded or expects a lifestyle that you can't provide, make a serious effort to resolve this before marriage.
And throughout marriage, avoid making financial commitments that require two incomes. Some couples, early in marriage, develop commitments and attitudes that encourage the wife to continue working outside the home even after the children come. The best way to avoid these problems is to never put yourselves in the situation where you must have two incomes to make ends meet.
Genesis 3:17-19 - From the beginning the man was responsible to labor with his hands to provide bread A man who is able to do this but will not, is lazy and foolish (Proverbs 24:30-34). [1 Thessalonians 4:10-12; 2 Thessalonians 3:10]
Ephesians 5:28-31 - The man should labor, not just to provide for himself, but also to "nourish and cherish" his wife as he does his own body. These terms include providing and caring for her, as well as protecting her. (Cf. v23.)
1 Timothy 5:8 - The man who will not provide for his own, especially his own household, is worse than an unbeliever. Yet, all across the country there are men who fail to provide for their families as they ought. Even though they are able-bodied, they live off welfare or off relatives or institutions. Meantime, their families suffer.
The Bible is filled with examples of men who were employed in various occupations by which they provided for their families, including occupations that often took them away from their families through the day. This includes sailors, shepherds, physicians, tax collectors, carpenters, fishermen, preachers, etc. There is no passage, however, that teaches wives, especially if they are mothers, that they are similarly obligated to leave their families and work to provide income.
Mothers are instructed to be homemakers, managing the home.
Bible teaching
Genesis 2:18ff - The wife was created to be a companion and helper to her husband. She finds her fulfillment, not in competing with the husband in his work nor in taking his responsibilities, but in assisting him. [Titus 2:4]
1 Timothy 5:14 - She should manage the household. (Cf. Proverbs 31:27.)
Titus 2:5 - She should be taught by the older women to be a homemaker (NKJV; "worker at home" - ASV).
Psalm 113:9 - She should rejoice and praise God for her role as mother and keeper of a home. Husbands ought to praise their wives for fulfilling this role.
Proverbs 7:11,12 - It is a shame for a woman to gad about instead of staying at home.
John 10:11-14 - Some work cannot be done by one who is simply hired, as well as it can be done by one who has a personal relationship. What is true of caring for mere animals would surely also be true of caring for our family members. Ladies, no one can love and care for your husbands and your children like you can. Can you hire another woman to fulfill your role as companion to your husband and submit to him in your place? Then why think your can hire a day-care center, babysitter, or other hireling to love and care for your children in your place?
Applications
The roles of wife, mother, and homemaker are not the only responsibilities God requires of women. He also requires them to teach His word, be active in the church, care for the needy, visit the sick, and be diligent in prayer and Bible study, etc. Some of these activities may even briefly take her away from her house. But it should be clear that filling all her God-given roles would constitute a full-time job for any mother.
The Bible simply does not approve of the idea of modern society that family roles are to be shared equally or interchanged or hired out to others. Most of the major problems that exist in modern homes can be traced to a failure of husband, wife, or both to understand and properly fill their God-given role.
There may be circumstances in which the husband or wife is unable to do their work, so their spouse may take the duties of a companion in an emergency circumstance. And wives may find ways to contribute to family income without leaving their children or neglecting their families or their homes. But the fact remains that God said the man is responsible to be the head of the family and the one to provide the income, and he said that the woman is to be in subjection and is to be the homemaker. Yet, all across the country there are families in deep trouble because husbands and/or wives neglect their God-given duties because they spend so much time doing things other than what God requires them to do.
Young ladies, make sure you marry a young man who is willing and able to provide for you and the family. If he doesn't hold down a job or doesn't show clear evidence of being able to provide an adequate living, or if he might encourage or even expect you to work so you cannot stay home and be a mother to your children, you need to resolve this before marriage. And while you should prepare to provide for yourself if you cannot find the right young man to marry, nevertheless you need to organize your education and lifestyle so that, when the right man does come along, you are prepared and willing to be a fulltime homemaker.
Young men, you make sure that the young woman you marry is committed to staying home and being a fulltime mother to your children. If she is career-minded or expects a lifestyle that you can't provide, make a serious effort to resolve this before marriage.
And throughout marriage, avoid making financial commitments that require two incomes. Some couples, early in marriage, develop commitments and attitudes that encourage the wife to continue working outside the home even after the children come. The best way to avoid these problems is to never put yourselves in the situation where you must have two incomes to make ends meet.
Friday, January 9, 2009
VIII. Roles of Husband and Wife
What roles has God assigned to husbands and wives? Who should be the head to lead the family? How important is love in exercising authority? Who should work to provide income? Is the role of homemaker demeaning?
Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned them different roles.
Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work - if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!
Biblical roles require the following:
A. The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband, But He Must Rule with Love.
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.
Genesis 3:16 - God decreed that the man should rule over his wife. This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a decree of Almighty God.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife should submit to her husband as the church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in "everything." She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus' decisions.
The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something that would be sinful to do; then she "must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).
Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus' authority in every way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband's back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so she can obey it.
1 Peter 3:1-6 - If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]
[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.
Ephesians 5:25-29,33 - While the husband is head of the wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.
A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his own way and please himself.
Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1 Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.
Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions that affect you without your input.
Likewise, using family funds to do as you please, without careful consideration of the wife's needs and views, is selfish and unloving.
This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants. He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the decisions.
Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in sin (Romans 5:6-10).
Therefore, the husband must not be unloving toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should strive to understand the needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his decisions accordingly.
He should honor her (cf. cherish - Ephesians 5:29). The wife should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and respected companion.
The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less valuable or important. In God's plan, value and importance are not determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-22).
Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don't like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage commitment must be to "love, honor, and obey." Consider that carefully long before you say, "I do."
Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion, choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of Bible roles and commitment to follow them.
This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time and be sure you know a person well before you marry.
Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned them different roles.
Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work - if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!
Biblical roles require the following:
A. The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband, But He Must Rule with Love.
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.
Genesis 3:16 - God decreed that the man should rule over his wife. This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a decree of Almighty God.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife should submit to her husband as the church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in "everything." She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus' decisions.
The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something that would be sinful to do; then she "must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).
Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus' authority in every way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband's back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so she can obey it.
1 Peter 3:1-6 - If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]
[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.
Ephesians 5:25-29,33 - While the husband is head of the wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.
A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his own way and please himself.
Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1 Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.
Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions that affect you without your input.
Likewise, using family funds to do as you please, without careful consideration of the wife's needs and views, is selfish and unloving.
This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants. He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the decisions.
Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in sin (Romans 5:6-10).
Therefore, the husband must not be unloving toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should strive to understand the needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his decisions accordingly.
He should honor her (cf. cherish - Ephesians 5:29). The wife should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and respected companion.
The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less valuable or important. In God's plan, value and importance are not determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-22).
Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don't like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage commitment must be to "love, honor, and obey." Consider that carefully long before you say, "I do."
Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion, choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of Bible roles and commitment to follow them.
This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time and be sure you know a person well before you marry.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
C. Husbands and Wives Must Control Their Anger.
Bible teaching
Ephesians 4:26 - Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must control our anger or it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]
James 1:19,20 - Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man's anger does not work God's righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly, and do not speak quickly when you are angry. You can learn to control your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs 29:11,20 - A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty in words. Sometimes people say, "I just say what I think," as though this justifies their sinful statements. But some things should not be thought, let alone said (Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their speech. Only a foolish man says every thought that comes to his mind, especially when he is angry. [Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs 15:1,28 - When you are angry or your spouse is angry, study to answer (think about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs 22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Applications
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many marriages.
Uncontrolled anger often leads to sin against others, especially those closest to us. It can even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse. If you have a temper problem, you must learn to control it if you ever expect to have a good home, to please God, or to receive eternal life.
If a person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not control, and especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let him learn to grow up and prove he can control himself over a long period of time, or marry someone else.
You say, "He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him."
Evil people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people, especially young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they are sorry, you must take them back and continue the relationship, even if you are not married.
Apologizing is good. But every liar will say he's sorry, when you catch him and prove unquestionably that he lied. People who frequently lose their temper will be sorry after they calm down. But real repentance requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts 26:20). Such characteristics are habits engrained in the character. They can be changed, but it will take time and motivation. Don't risk your soul and your happiness by marrying such a person.
If he apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But that does not require you to marry him or even to continue a relationship. Forgiving a person and marrying them are two different issues. Are you required to marry every person who asks your forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You have every right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have grounds to reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let him prove himself willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an emotional bond that could bring you to ruin.
2 Peter 1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 - Self-control is both a fruit of the Spirit and a virtue one must add to his faith.
Before they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and responsible enough to tell the truth, keep their promises, control their temper, and control their finances. If you are considering marrying a person who lacks self-control, do not think it will get better after marriage - it will probably get worse! Marry someone else, or at least wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed to prove they have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you are already married and have these problems, grow up! Study the Bible and make a commitment before God to change. Then keep your word and change.
Ephesians 4:26 - Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must control our anger or it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]
James 1:19,20 - Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man's anger does not work God's righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly, and do not speak quickly when you are angry. You can learn to control your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs 29:11,20 - A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty in words. Sometimes people say, "I just say what I think," as though this justifies their sinful statements. But some things should not be thought, let alone said (Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their speech. Only a foolish man says every thought that comes to his mind, especially when he is angry. [Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs 15:1,28 - When you are angry or your spouse is angry, study to answer (think about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs 22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Applications
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many marriages.
Uncontrolled anger often leads to sin against others, especially those closest to us. It can even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse. If you have a temper problem, you must learn to control it if you ever expect to have a good home, to please God, or to receive eternal life.
If a person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not control, and especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let him learn to grow up and prove he can control himself over a long period of time, or marry someone else.
You say, "He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him."
Evil people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people, especially young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they are sorry, you must take them back and continue the relationship, even if you are not married.
Apologizing is good. But every liar will say he's sorry, when you catch him and prove unquestionably that he lied. People who frequently lose their temper will be sorry after they calm down. But real repentance requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts 26:20). Such characteristics are habits engrained in the character. They can be changed, but it will take time and motivation. Don't risk your soul and your happiness by marrying such a person.
If he apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But that does not require you to marry him or even to continue a relationship. Forgiving a person and marrying them are two different issues. Are you required to marry every person who asks your forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You have every right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have grounds to reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let him prove himself willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an emotional bond that could bring you to ruin.
2 Peter 1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 - Self-control is both a fruit of the Spirit and a virtue one must add to his faith.
Before they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and responsible enough to tell the truth, keep their promises, control their temper, and control their finances. If you are considering marrying a person who lacks self-control, do not think it will get better after marriage - it will probably get worse! Marry someone else, or at least wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed to prove they have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you are already married and have these problems, grow up! Study the Bible and make a commitment before God to change. Then keep your word and change.
Monday, January 5, 2009
B. Husbands and Wives Should Pay Their Debts and Control Spending.
Money matters are one of the biggest causes of strife in marriage. Often the problem is caused by over-commitment to debt.
Bible principles
Christians must pay their debts.
2 Corinthians 8:21 - Provide for things that are honorable, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in dealing with men requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 - One who borrows and then does not pay again is wicked.
James 5:12 - Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don't intend to pay for a thing, don't promise that you will. If you do promise, then you are obligated to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8 - Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all what is due. This does not mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the payments come due, you must pay what you owe.
For Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts will be paid. Failure to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing to keep our promises.
[James 5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for material things.
Matthew 13:22 - In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil represents people in whom God's word is choked by the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches. These problems cause much marital strife and destroy marriages, as well as making people unfaithful to God.
1 John 2:15-17 - Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. People are often led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will satisfying our desires or that will make us feel important. We want what others have. But if we love the world, the love of God is not in us.
1 Timothy 6:6-10 - Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Instead, we need to learn to be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just because others have something doesn't mean your family needs it. Often a couple buys things they don't really need and can't really afford, then there is arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or both husband and wife work long hours to buy material things, but as a result they neglect their responsibilities to one another, to their children, to the church, etc.
Couples need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make a budget and live by it.
Make a list of the things you need in order to live and how much each one will cost you. If you can't afford to pay for a thing and still spend the time and money you need with your family and in God's work, then learn to do without it.
Avoid debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have every reason to believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person has demonstrated that they cannot control their spending and cannot learn to live on their income, then don't marry them. Or wait till they grow up and demonstrate in their life the basic honesty and self-control required to live within their means and pay their debts.
[Luke 12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
Bible principles
Christians must pay their debts.
2 Corinthians 8:21 - Provide for things that are honorable, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in dealing with men requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 - One who borrows and then does not pay again is wicked.
James 5:12 - Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don't intend to pay for a thing, don't promise that you will. If you do promise, then you are obligated to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8 - Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all what is due. This does not mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the payments come due, you must pay what you owe.
For Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts will be paid. Failure to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing to keep our promises.
[James 5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for material things.
Matthew 13:22 - In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil represents people in whom God's word is choked by the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches. These problems cause much marital strife and destroy marriages, as well as making people unfaithful to God.
1 John 2:15-17 - Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. People are often led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will satisfying our desires or that will make us feel important. We want what others have. But if we love the world, the love of God is not in us.
1 Timothy 6:6-10 - Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Instead, we need to learn to be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just because others have something doesn't mean your family needs it. Often a couple buys things they don't really need and can't really afford, then there is arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or both husband and wife work long hours to buy material things, but as a result they neglect their responsibilities to one another, to their children, to the church, etc.
Couples need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make a budget and live by it.
Make a list of the things you need in order to live and how much each one will cost you. If you can't afford to pay for a thing and still spend the time and money you need with your family and in God's work, then learn to do without it.
Avoid debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have every reason to believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person has demonstrated that they cannot control their spending and cannot learn to live on their income, then don't marry them. Or wait till they grow up and demonstrate in their life the basic honesty and self-control required to live within their means and pay their debts.
[Luke 12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
Saturday, January 3, 2009
VI. Responsibility, Honesty, and Self-Control
Why should married couples be responsible and honest? How important are trust, truth, keeping promises, paying debts, and controlling spending. Why avoid deceit, lying, and uncontrolled anger?
Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible conduct, especially regarding honesty, financial matters, and uncontrolled temper.
A. Husbands and Wives Must Tell the Truth and Keep Their Promises.
God requires us to tell the truth.
Bible teaching
Proverbs 6:16-19 - There are 7 things God hates, and two of them involve lying and deceit: "a lying tongue," and "a false witness that tells lies."
Proverbs 30:8 - Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant of God wants a close relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation 21:8,27; 22:14,15 - All liars will have their part in the lake of fire outside the holy city.
Ephesians 4:25 - Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no relationship is this more true than in marriage.
Romans 1:29,32 - Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves deliberately attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true. Those who practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it, both are worthy of death.
Psalm 40:4 - Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John 8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10; Matthew 15:18-20; Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be dishonest with our marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always sinful. Why should we practice them toward those whom God has commanded us to love?
Marriage is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive your spouse to get your way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and you sin against your spouse and against God.
And why would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person you are considering marrying lies to you or others, break off the relationship. A person who lies can never be trusted.
And if he/she lies to other people, don't think they won't lie to you. He will lie to anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never know when they are lying and when they are telling the truth. Why choose to live with that all your life?
God requires us to keep our promises.
Bible teaching
Hebrews 10:23 - God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just one of many characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a fundamental characteristic He possesses.
Genesis 29:18-28 - Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his wife if he would work seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah instead. This is described as deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole family, and trouble repeatedly resulted. When a person can keep a promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-53]
Numbers 30:1,2 - The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James 5:12 - Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor. 1:15-20]
The fact we don't take oaths under the New Testament does not mean that keeping our word is less needed in the New Testament than in the Old Testament; rather, it is more necessary. In the New Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old Testament oaths were binding.
Romans 1:31,32 - Among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (KJV & ASV). The NKJV says "untrustworthy" - surely, one who does keep his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew 7:12 (22:36-39) - The Golden Rule requires us to do to others as we want them to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make promises to you that they don't keep, then don't treat others this way.
[See also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer. 34:8-22; Ezek. 17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings 2:8,42f.]
Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a promise.
(1) We may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is not met, we are not obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood, even if not stated.]
(2) Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it impossible to do as planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church meeting, etc.) [Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The person to whom we made the commitment may agree to change the agreement [Prov. 6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must repent of having made the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew 21:28-30).
But we must never make a promise that we have no intention of keeping. Having made a promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it when we are able to keep it.
If a person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what reason do you have to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What evidence is there that he/she will stay with you till death or remain faithful sexually?
Few things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a partner who cannot be trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible conduct, especially regarding honesty, financial matters, and uncontrolled temper.
A. Husbands and Wives Must Tell the Truth and Keep Their Promises.
God requires us to tell the truth.
Bible teaching
Proverbs 6:16-19 - There are 7 things God hates, and two of them involve lying and deceit: "a lying tongue," and "a false witness that tells lies."
Proverbs 30:8 - Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant of God wants a close relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation 21:8,27; 22:14,15 - All liars will have their part in the lake of fire outside the holy city.
Ephesians 4:25 - Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no relationship is this more true than in marriage.
Romans 1:29,32 - Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves deliberately attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true. Those who practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it, both are worthy of death.
Psalm 40:4 - Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John 8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10; Matthew 15:18-20; Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be dishonest with our marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always sinful. Why should we practice them toward those whom God has commanded us to love?
Marriage is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive your spouse to get your way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and you sin against your spouse and against God.
And why would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person you are considering marrying lies to you or others, break off the relationship. A person who lies can never be trusted.
And if he/she lies to other people, don't think they won't lie to you. He will lie to anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never know when they are lying and when they are telling the truth. Why choose to live with that all your life?
God requires us to keep our promises.
Bible teaching
Hebrews 10:23 - God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just one of many characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a fundamental characteristic He possesses.
Genesis 29:18-28 - Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his wife if he would work seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah instead. This is described as deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole family, and trouble repeatedly resulted. When a person can keep a promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-53]
Numbers 30:1,2 - The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James 5:12 - Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor. 1:15-20]
The fact we don't take oaths under the New Testament does not mean that keeping our word is less needed in the New Testament than in the Old Testament; rather, it is more necessary. In the New Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old Testament oaths were binding.
Romans 1:31,32 - Among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (KJV & ASV). The NKJV says "untrustworthy" - surely, one who does keep his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew 7:12 (22:36-39) - The Golden Rule requires us to do to others as we want them to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make promises to you that they don't keep, then don't treat others this way.
[See also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer. 34:8-22; Ezek. 17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings 2:8,42f.]
Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a promise.
(1) We may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is not met, we are not obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood, even if not stated.]
(2) Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it impossible to do as planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church meeting, etc.) [Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The person to whom we made the commitment may agree to change the agreement [Prov. 6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must repent of having made the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew 21:28-30).
But we must never make a promise that we have no intention of keeping. Having made a promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it when we are able to keep it.
If a person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what reason do you have to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What evidence is there that he/she will stay with you till death or remain faithful sexually?
Few things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a partner who cannot be trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
Friday, January 2, 2009
E. Learn to Love by Thinking, Speaking, and Acting for the Wellbeing of the Other Person.
How do you put love into a marriage where it is lacking? Instead of thinking first and foremost about what you want, act for their good and the good of your relationship. You choose to do what is best for the other person! That is Biblical love.
The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!
The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing is that most of us are so foolish that we can't see that. This discussion involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes with Bible principles.
How do couples learn to love in the first place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things!
If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!
Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please the other person.
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, cards. After marriage, he stops.
Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?
Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.
Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?
Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?
Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?
Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?
We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead?
Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.
Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.
Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!
Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another.
All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget out time. Discuss your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month) and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours together. Do the things you did that led you into love.
We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!
Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.
* "We don't have time."
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.
Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."
* "We can't afford it."
You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.
You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!
The point is to spend time together.
* "We don't enjoy the same things."
She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.
Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?
Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or shopping. I don't much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like being with her. We shop for something we both want to get; or we shop where she wants and then where I want.
The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the fundamental problem?
When we make these excuses, we are saying we don't spend time together because the other person and our relationship with that person are not important enough!
If you don't have time or money for one another and don't' enjoy doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to do. If you don't do it now, it's because your marriage relationship is not important enough. You don't care like you used to. We may not say it or think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse feels it. And that's why our marriages lack love!
Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to do together, because you cared enough about one another. So the way to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.
The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!
The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing is that most of us are so foolish that we can't see that. This discussion involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes with Bible principles.
How do couples learn to love in the first place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things!
If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!
Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please the other person.
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, cards. After marriage, he stops.
Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?
Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.
Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?
Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?
Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?
Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?
We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead?
Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.
Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.
Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!
Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another.
All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget out time. Discuss your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month) and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours together. Do the things you did that led you into love.
We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!
Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.
* "We don't have time."
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.
Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."
* "We can't afford it."
You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.
You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!
The point is to spend time together.
* "We don't enjoy the same things."
She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.
Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?
Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or shopping. I don't much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like being with her. We shop for something we both want to get; or we shop where she wants and then where I want.
The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the fundamental problem?
When we make these excuses, we are saying we don't spend time together because the other person and our relationship with that person are not important enough!
If you don't have time or money for one another and don't' enjoy doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to do. If you don't do it now, it's because your marriage relationship is not important enough. You don't care like you used to. We may not say it or think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse feels it. And that's why our marriages lack love!
Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to do together, because you cared enough about one another. So the way to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
D. Love Requires Giving & Self-sacrifice.
Giving of self is the essence of love.
Bible principles
John 3:16 - God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son.
Ephesians 5:25 - Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John 3:14-18 - If you see your brother in need and don't give what is needed, you don't have love.
Romans 12:20 - Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink when needed.
A fundamental requirement of a good marriage is a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
The decision to act properly and lovingly toward our spouse should not depend on how our spouse acts, let alone how a mood hits us. We must choose to give of ourselves, because it is good for others and pleasing to God.
This is fundamental to being unselfish. The selfish person doesn't want to give in or sacrifice.
They want to please themselves.
Giving and self-sacrifice is especially essential in solving conflict.
The fundamental lesson of Christ's love is to give up our own desires for the good of others, even when they are not acting the way we think they should.
In time of conflict, we say, "I'll do right or improve if he/she will too." If an act is beneficial for others, love requires us to do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, love requires us to admit it, regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if we are convinced our spouse has caused a problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it.
This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem, and He did not compromise with sin. What He did was sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did not just criticize our sin; He became involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A spouse may think, "He/she caused this problem, so let him/her solve it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do - how can I become involved - so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say, "Why don't you and I work on this together? What can I do to help?"
As long as neither spouse will take the first step toward a good marriage, the marriage can never be good. Each one must be committed to a good marriage. This requires us to give in at times where we wish we did not have to (assuming we do not sin). Each must be willing to sacrifice and give of themselves for the good of the marriage.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
To improve your marriage, start with improving yourself.
If you are not married:
Make up your mind to marry only a person who will follow the Bible teaching about marriage. And then work to become the kind of person who will attract the kind of person you want to marry!
If you are a half-hearted Christian, halfheartedly involved in the church, practicing personal habits that are immoral or doubtful, do not expect to attract a faithful, dedicated Christian to marry! A dedicated Christian does not seek to marry a half-hearted Christian. To attract a faithful, dedicated Christian, you must be a faithful, dedicated Christian.
Likewise, if you have attitudes and habits that would hinder a good marriage, start now to change to become the kind of person who can work for a good marriage.
Likewise, if you are married:
If you are having problems in your marriage, do not expect your spouse to solve the problem. Begin by examining yourself! Most marriage problems result from faults on the part of both parties. Rarely is one person alone the whole cause of the problem.
1 Peter 3:1,2 - You cannot control what your spouse does. You can only control what you do. If you become what you should be, you will set the example to help your spouse become what he/she should be. Do not wait for them to change. Start doing all God says for you to do and you will have the best chance you can have for a good marriage.
Begin now to study the Bible teaching about the home, then conform your thoughts, words, and deed to that teaching. Become a faithful Christian and become the kind of person you need to be to have a Biblical marriage.
Differences we think we cannot tolerate should be resolved before marriage.
Some differences we may be able to live with. But if we know a person has a habit or characteristic that we find intolerable, especially if it is sinful, either resolve it before marriage or don't marry the person.
Do not marry a person thinking you will change them.
Often girls meet guys with immoral habits or disgusting characteristics and decide to reform them. People say women can twist men around their little finger. And women believe it.
Or men think, since they are the head of the family, the wife will have to change to please them. But even without being head of the family, women can make your life miserable a thousand different ways.
If you are convinced your partner must change in order to have a happy marriage, then the time to make this known and resolve it is before you marry them - better yet, before you even become seriously emotionally attached. Once you are married, you are committed for life, and no amount of wishful thinking can change that (Romans 7:2,3).
If a person has serious moral problems, don't try to change them by dating them.
Explain what it is that troubles you, and encourage them to work with stronger, older Christians of their own gender. Then distance yourself from the relationship, till they prove they will change by their own choice. They must change, not because you want them to change, but because God requires it and changing is the right thing to do. Otherwise, they may go through the motions of change just to please you, then revert after marriage. Or, you may become so emotionally attached that you marry them despite the problem, and then live to regret it.
Bible principles
John 3:16 - God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son.
Ephesians 5:25 - Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John 3:14-18 - If you see your brother in need and don't give what is needed, you don't have love.
Romans 12:20 - Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink when needed.
A fundamental requirement of a good marriage is a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
The decision to act properly and lovingly toward our spouse should not depend on how our spouse acts, let alone how a mood hits us. We must choose to give of ourselves, because it is good for others and pleasing to God.
This is fundamental to being unselfish. The selfish person doesn't want to give in or sacrifice.
They want to please themselves.
Giving and self-sacrifice is especially essential in solving conflict.
The fundamental lesson of Christ's love is to give up our own desires for the good of others, even when they are not acting the way we think they should.
In time of conflict, we say, "I'll do right or improve if he/she will too." If an act is beneficial for others, love requires us to do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, love requires us to admit it, regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if we are convinced our spouse has caused a problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it.
This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem, and He did not compromise with sin. What He did was sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did not just criticize our sin; He became involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A spouse may think, "He/she caused this problem, so let him/her solve it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do - how can I become involved - so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say, "Why don't you and I work on this together? What can I do to help?"
As long as neither spouse will take the first step toward a good marriage, the marriage can never be good. Each one must be committed to a good marriage. This requires us to give in at times where we wish we did not have to (assuming we do not sin). Each must be willing to sacrifice and give of themselves for the good of the marriage.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
To improve your marriage, start with improving yourself.
If you are not married:
Make up your mind to marry only a person who will follow the Bible teaching about marriage. And then work to become the kind of person who will attract the kind of person you want to marry!
If you are a half-hearted Christian, halfheartedly involved in the church, practicing personal habits that are immoral or doubtful, do not expect to attract a faithful, dedicated Christian to marry! A dedicated Christian does not seek to marry a half-hearted Christian. To attract a faithful, dedicated Christian, you must be a faithful, dedicated Christian.
Likewise, if you have attitudes and habits that would hinder a good marriage, start now to change to become the kind of person who can work for a good marriage.
Likewise, if you are married:
If you are having problems in your marriage, do not expect your spouse to solve the problem. Begin by examining yourself! Most marriage problems result from faults on the part of both parties. Rarely is one person alone the whole cause of the problem.
1 Peter 3:1,2 - You cannot control what your spouse does. You can only control what you do. If you become what you should be, you will set the example to help your spouse become what he/she should be. Do not wait for them to change. Start doing all God says for you to do and you will have the best chance you can have for a good marriage.
Begin now to study the Bible teaching about the home, then conform your thoughts, words, and deed to that teaching. Become a faithful Christian and become the kind of person you need to be to have a Biblical marriage.
Differences we think we cannot tolerate should be resolved before marriage.
Some differences we may be able to live with. But if we know a person has a habit or characteristic that we find intolerable, especially if it is sinful, either resolve it before marriage or don't marry the person.
Do not marry a person thinking you will change them.
Often girls meet guys with immoral habits or disgusting characteristics and decide to reform them. People say women can twist men around their little finger. And women believe it.
Or men think, since they are the head of the family, the wife will have to change to please them. But even without being head of the family, women can make your life miserable a thousand different ways.
If you are convinced your partner must change in order to have a happy marriage, then the time to make this known and resolve it is before you marry them - better yet, before you even become seriously emotionally attached. Once you are married, you are committed for life, and no amount of wishful thinking can change that (Romans 7:2,3).
If a person has serious moral problems, don't try to change them by dating them.
Explain what it is that troubles you, and encourage them to work with stronger, older Christians of their own gender. Then distance yourself from the relationship, till they prove they will change by their own choice. They must change, not because you want them to change, but because God requires it and changing is the right thing to do. Otherwise, they may go through the motions of change just to please you, then revert after marriage. Or, you may become so emotionally attached that you marry them despite the problem, and then live to regret it.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
C. Love Must Be Expressed in Both Word and Action.
The way to choose to love is to choose to say and do what is best for ones spouse.
Bible principles
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and can't help but be expressed. Remember, love is a choice of the will.
We choose to state: "I love you. I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 - Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God's commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 - We must love, not just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
Applications
Couples should show love in how they treat one another.
Other topics will emphasize the duty of husbands and wives in the home. The husband provides for the family and uses his authority for the good of the group. The wife keeps the home and submits in love to the husband. That is Biblical love.
Love is also shown in treating one another with respect. We speak respectfully. We show common politeness and decency. We consider one another's views.
Love for God and for our spouse must motivate obedience to all God's teachings about marriage. This is the basis of obedience to all Divine commands (Matthew 22:37-39).
Couples need to show love by being affectionate.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - You owe your spouse "affection" (NKJV). The emphasis is on sexual expression. But couples need to learn that sexual affection is just the culmination of other forms of affection. Without other forms of affection, sexual union is hollow, lacking beauty and meaning. When a couple is affectionate throughout the day, sexual affection has true beauty.
You say, "I'm just not an affectionate person. My parents were never affectionate, either." Then choose to change! It may be harder for you, but love is a choice not a mood. You can change and become affectionate, just like you can change anything else necessary to please God.
This affection is "due" one another. It is not just an emotion or mood that overwhelms us, so we involuntarily start saying and doing sweet things. We should do and say kind things and express affection by choice. Make a point to remember to say, "I love you" and to be intimate.
Don't' wait till some mood or force compels us. We can and should choose to act these ways.
Bible principles
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and can't help but be expressed. Remember, love is a choice of the will.
We choose to state: "I love you. I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 - Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God's commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 - We must love, not just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
Applications
Couples should show love in how they treat one another.
Other topics will emphasize the duty of husbands and wives in the home. The husband provides for the family and uses his authority for the good of the group. The wife keeps the home and submits in love to the husband. That is Biblical love.
Love is also shown in treating one another with respect. We speak respectfully. We show common politeness and decency. We consider one another's views.
Love for God and for our spouse must motivate obedience to all God's teachings about marriage. This is the basis of obedience to all Divine commands (Matthew 22:37-39).
Couples need to show love by being affectionate.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - You owe your spouse "affection" (NKJV). The emphasis is on sexual expression. But couples need to learn that sexual affection is just the culmination of other forms of affection. Without other forms of affection, sexual union is hollow, lacking beauty and meaning. When a couple is affectionate throughout the day, sexual affection has true beauty.
You say, "I'm just not an affectionate person. My parents were never affectionate, either." Then choose to change! It may be harder for you, but love is a choice not a mood. You can change and become affectionate, just like you can change anything else necessary to please God.
This affection is "due" one another. It is not just an emotion or mood that overwhelms us, so we involuntarily start saying and doing sweet things. We should do and say kind things and express affection by choice. Make a point to remember to say, "I love you" and to be intimate.
Don't' wait till some mood or force compels us. We can and should choose to act these ways.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
V. Loving One Another
How important are love and affection in marriage? What is love and how is it expressed? How can a couple put love into their marriage? Why practice giving and self-sacrifice, instead of selfishness?
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.
A. Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
Bible Principles
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]
Philippians 2:1-4 - Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the interests of those we love.
To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, problems are inevitable in the family.
Applications
Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major ways.
The husband is lazy and won't work to provide for the family.
The wife is lazy and won't care for the house and children.
The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a mess.
Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.
The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won't lift a finger to get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, "I need a sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels." But he would be furious if she made similar demands of him.
Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a time, neglecting her own work.
Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she wanted me to dress to please her.
Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just pleasing oneself.
B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Bible principles
Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded, because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Romans 5:6-8 - Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.
Titus 2:4 - Older women should admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.
Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably "fall" in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.
Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort. You do not just get married and automatically "live happily ever after." Such ideas make nice fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White. But that's all they are: fairy tales!
Applications
Couples can learn to love one another.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love.
Sometimes one says, "I just don't love her/him any more." They may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an appropriate response would be, "Have you repented? Have you confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?"
Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to put it in!
When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him.
This is the example the husband should follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands. You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.
This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses, specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.
A. Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
Bible Principles
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]
Philippians 2:1-4 - Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the interests of those we love.
To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, problems are inevitable in the family.
Applications
Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major ways.
The husband is lazy and won't work to provide for the family.
The wife is lazy and won't care for the house and children.
The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a mess.
Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.
The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won't lift a finger to get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, "I need a sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels." But he would be furious if she made similar demands of him.
Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a time, neglecting her own work.
Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she wanted me to dress to please her.
Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just pleasing oneself.
B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Bible principles
Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded, because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Romans 5:6-8 - Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.
Titus 2:4 - Older women should admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.
Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably "fall" in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.
Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort. You do not just get married and automatically "live happily ever after." Such ideas make nice fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White. But that's all they are: fairy tales!
Applications
Couples can learn to love one another.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love.
Sometimes one says, "I just don't love her/him any more." They may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an appropriate response would be, "Have you repented? Have you confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?"
Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to put it in!
When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him.
This is the example the husband should follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands. You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.
This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses, specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
B. Know One Another Very Well Before Committing to Marriage.
In order to choose a companion based on character, it follows that you must know a person's character and know it well in order to judge wisely.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 - Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. Marriage is a commitment before God. Do not enter it rashly.
Consider some specific applications.
Generally, you should know one another a long time.
We repeatedly taught our children to know a person for at least two years before they marry them - longer, if there was any significant questions about the person's character or spirituality.
But the issue is not how long you know one another so much as how well you know one another.
In some circumstances people get to know one another more quickly than otherwise.
Someone says, "I know couples who got married a month after they met, and they had a good marriage." Yes, and I have heard of people who jumped out of airplanes without a good parachute and survived, but I still don't recommend it! And people who get married after a short courtship will not recommend it to their children! They ran a great risk but were fortunate. For every such person, there are many who marry after a short acquaintance and live to regret it.
One of our daughters met a young man at college, and a few months later they asked for our blessing on their wedding plans. But we did not know him and our first impressions were unfavorable. So, we stalled ... and stalled ... and stalled to get to know him better. After enough time passed, the young man revealed his true character, and our daughter broke off the relationship.
Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Hasty commitment to marriage is absolutely foolish.
If you do not know a person well - well enough to put your life and even your eternal destiny on the outcome - then you are not ready to get married.
Talk about issues of importance in marriage.
Ask the other person their views about marriage, children, and especially about spiritual matters. Express your views and get their reaction. Study the Bible together. Learn your areas of agreement and disagreement.
And learn to work out your differences. Do not ignore your disagreements. Many people think their problems will just work out after marriage. How do you know? Usually they get worse! Discuss them now and see how well you are able to work out problems. Every marriage has problems. If you can't work out problems, you cannot succeed in marriage.
If you and your friend have not thoroughly discussed what you expect from marriage - and if you have not demonstrated your ability to resolve differences - you are not ready to marry.
Spend time together under many different circumstances.
Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
"Talk is cheap." Don't base your decision just on talk. Get to know a person's heart.
The young man our daughter almost married said all the right things. But somehow his actions never seemed to accomplish his big plans.
Typical dating situations hide flaws. Couples put on their best behavior and best appearance to attract the other person. Friends and family may not tell you what they know about the person's shortcomings. After marriage is when all the character flaws become obvious - but it's too late. You need to know his or her character before marriage.
Karen and I often warn people about the danger of making a serious commitment when you've seen a person primarily in one setting, such as in the artificial environment of college, especially one like Florida College. Wait till you leave and see how your relationship survives.
Spend time together in various situations. Spend time with your family and friends. See how he treats his family and friends and how well he gets along with your family and friends. Go places where they like to go and places where you like to go. Observe how they react under circumstances of stress, when they are not getting their way. Observe one another in the real world.
Consider a person's reputation and the judgment of godly family and friends.
Proverbs 15:22 - Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
Boaz knew Ruth was a godly woman, because she had that reputation throughout the whole city. Sometimes a person's reputation - good or bad - is not deserved. But before you marry someone whose reputation is not good, make sure you know why they have that reputation.
Get to know well the family and friends of your potential spouse. Seek the honest evaluation of people who know the other person well and whose godly wisdom you trust.
The young man our daughter almost married was planning to preach. A preacher who knew them both well wrote a "letter of recommendation" to churches about him. About the only really good thing the letter said about the young man was that he wanted to marry a really outstanding young woman! The red flag was waving!
The opinions of others should not be final, but consider them carefully.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 - Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. Marriage is a commitment before God. Do not enter it rashly.
Consider some specific applications.
Generally, you should know one another a long time.
We repeatedly taught our children to know a person for at least two years before they marry them - longer, if there was any significant questions about the person's character or spirituality.
But the issue is not how long you know one another so much as how well you know one another.
In some circumstances people get to know one another more quickly than otherwise.
Someone says, "I know couples who got married a month after they met, and they had a good marriage." Yes, and I have heard of people who jumped out of airplanes without a good parachute and survived, but I still don't recommend it! And people who get married after a short courtship will not recommend it to their children! They ran a great risk but were fortunate. For every such person, there are many who marry after a short acquaintance and live to regret it.
One of our daughters met a young man at college, and a few months later they asked for our blessing on their wedding plans. But we did not know him and our first impressions were unfavorable. So, we stalled ... and stalled ... and stalled to get to know him better. After enough time passed, the young man revealed his true character, and our daughter broke off the relationship.
Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Hasty commitment to marriage is absolutely foolish.
If you do not know a person well - well enough to put your life and even your eternal destiny on the outcome - then you are not ready to get married.
Talk about issues of importance in marriage.
Ask the other person their views about marriage, children, and especially about spiritual matters. Express your views and get their reaction. Study the Bible together. Learn your areas of agreement and disagreement.
And learn to work out your differences. Do not ignore your disagreements. Many people think their problems will just work out after marriage. How do you know? Usually they get worse! Discuss them now and see how well you are able to work out problems. Every marriage has problems. If you can't work out problems, you cannot succeed in marriage.
If you and your friend have not thoroughly discussed what you expect from marriage - and if you have not demonstrated your ability to resolve differences - you are not ready to marry.
Spend time together under many different circumstances.
Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
"Talk is cheap." Don't base your decision just on talk. Get to know a person's heart.
The young man our daughter almost married said all the right things. But somehow his actions never seemed to accomplish his big plans.
Typical dating situations hide flaws. Couples put on their best behavior and best appearance to attract the other person. Friends and family may not tell you what they know about the person's shortcomings. After marriage is when all the character flaws become obvious - but it's too late. You need to know his or her character before marriage.
Karen and I often warn people about the danger of making a serious commitment when you've seen a person primarily in one setting, such as in the artificial environment of college, especially one like Florida College. Wait till you leave and see how your relationship survives.
Spend time together in various situations. Spend time with your family and friends. See how he treats his family and friends and how well he gets along with your family and friends. Go places where they like to go and places where you like to go. Observe how they react under circumstances of stress, when they are not getting their way. Observe one another in the real world.
Consider a person's reputation and the judgment of godly family and friends.
Proverbs 15:22 - Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
Boaz knew Ruth was a godly woman, because she had that reputation throughout the whole city. Sometimes a person's reputation - good or bad - is not deserved. But before you marry someone whose reputation is not good, make sure you know why they have that reputation.
Get to know well the family and friends of your potential spouse. Seek the honest evaluation of people who know the other person well and whose godly wisdom you trust.
The young man our daughter almost married was planning to preach. A preacher who knew them both well wrote a "letter of recommendation" to churches about him. About the only really good thing the letter said about the young man was that he wanted to marry a really outstanding young woman! The red flag was waving!
The opinions of others should not be final, but consider them carefully.
Monday, December 22, 2008
IV. Maturity and Knowing One Another
Why should a couple both be mature before marrying? How important is it to know one another well? Should we choose a companion on the basis of character or feelings and emotions?
Proverbs 5:1,2 - In advising his son about relationships with women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve discretion.
In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable judgment - not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it to be good wisdom.
A. Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.
Bible teaching
The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of marriage companions
Genesis 24 - Abraham's servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple never met till their wedding. And the specific choice was arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot be done today. But Abraham insisted that the bride come from his family so he knew her background, not from the wicked people of the land. And the decision was made by a man of wise judgment who entreated the blessing of God.
Genesis 29 - Jacob also went back to his mother's family to find a companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived with her family for a month (v14). And the agreement was that he would still not marry her till seven years later.
Ruth 2 - Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman (3:11).
But the Bible describes at length the character of godly wives and husbands.
The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to be chosen. Many Scriptures tell the kind of person a man or woman must be in order to have a godly marriage.
Proverbs 31:10-31 - A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man should seek to find.
Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We will study these at length.
I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a person before you marry them.
You should love your spouse, but we will see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion. Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.
We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed. Before you marry you need to know - not just assume or even suspect - that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications
The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to "just let your heart decide." Couples who have seriously different backgrounds meet, "fall in love," get married, and live happily ever after. Girls meet guys with immoral backgrounds and decide to reform them. This puts stars in the eyes of romantic, idealistic young women. But it is foolish and incredibly dangerous.
Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.
A popular song years ago talked about a couple who met and married in the heat of passion, but they've been talking about divorce "ever since the fire went out."
Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all people, even those who have a good marriage. If you marry because a person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.
Character should remain constant. Feelings come and go. Base your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.
Proverbs 5:1,2 - In advising his son about relationships with women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve discretion.
In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable judgment - not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it to be good wisdom.
A. Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.
Bible teaching
The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of marriage companions
Genesis 24 - Abraham's servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple never met till their wedding. And the specific choice was arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot be done today. But Abraham insisted that the bride come from his family so he knew her background, not from the wicked people of the land. And the decision was made by a man of wise judgment who entreated the blessing of God.
Genesis 29 - Jacob also went back to his mother's family to find a companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived with her family for a month (v14). And the agreement was that he would still not marry her till seven years later.
Ruth 2 - Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman (3:11).
But the Bible describes at length the character of godly wives and husbands.
The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to be chosen. Many Scriptures tell the kind of person a man or woman must be in order to have a godly marriage.
Proverbs 31:10-31 - A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man should seek to find.
Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We will study these at length.
I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a person before you marry them.
You should love your spouse, but we will see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion. Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.
We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed. Before you marry you need to know - not just assume or even suspect - that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications
The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to "just let your heart decide." Couples who have seriously different backgrounds meet, "fall in love," get married, and live happily ever after. Girls meet guys with immoral backgrounds and decide to reform them. This puts stars in the eyes of romantic, idealistic young women. But it is foolish and incredibly dangerous.
Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.
A popular song years ago talked about a couple who met and married in the heat of passion, but they've been talking about divorce "ever since the fire went out."
Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all people, even those who have a good marriage. If you marry because a person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.
Character should remain constant. Feelings come and go. Base your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
III. The Permanence of Marriage
What does the Bible teach about the permanence of marriage? When may one divorce, and remarry? How importance is a lifetime commitment, "till death do us part"?
Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially children emotionally scarred for life. Often there are also severe financial consequences, especially for the wife and children. Above all, divorce always involves someone in disobedience to God.
A. Bible Teaching
Genesis 2:24 - From the beginning, God intended marriage to involve one man and one woman who cleave (be joined - NKJV) to one another and become one. God never intended for the union to be put asunder so another mate can be taken.
Malachi 2:14,16 - God hates divorce.
Romans 7:2,3 - Marriage is for life. A person who is bound in marriage to a spouse cannot have another companion as long as their first companion lives.
Matthew 19:3-9 (5:31,32) - What God has joined together, man must not put asunder. The only exception God allows, in which one may divorce a companion, is for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for any other reason, the divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits adultery. And whoever marries the one whom he put away commits adultery.
B. Applications
Never enter a Scripturally doubtful marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 - The only Scriptural alternatives for one who has improperly divorced are to remain unmarried or be reconciled to their Scriptural spouse.
A divorced person should never remarry unless they are certain that they divorced their spouse because that spouse committed fornication. Before you remarry, search your soul and the facts of your case. Make sure your spouse was guilty of fornication and that was the reason why you divorced them.
Never marry a divorced person unless you are certain they divorced their companion for Scriptural grounds. Have long talks and careful studies about the Bible teaching early in your relationship, before you develop strong emotions. Don't just take their word for it. Many divorced people deceive themselves or others in order to remarry. Talk to others who know the facts. Take the safe course and don't run risks with your soul. You may decide the risk is just not worth it.
When a divorced person remarries, his or her soul hangs in the balance, and so does the soul of the person he marries. If you really love someone, you will not endanger their soul or yours.
Enter marriage with a mutual determination to stay together for life.
Too many people enter marriage like they are buying a car: "I'll try this one, and if I get a lemon I'll just trade her in." Some even live together without marriage and call it a "trial marriage." They lack commitment. So when problems arise, as they do in all relationships, instead of making a determined effort to work the problems out, they just end the marriage.
A "trial marriage" is not a marriage at all, because it does not involve a lifetime commitment.
You can walk out at anytime. That tells you nothing about marriage, because marriage involves commitment. That's why people, who do marry after living together, are more likely to divorce than those who do not live together. They think they have learned how to work together in marriage, but they haven't. They don't understand commitment.
Couples, who enter marriage with a true lifetime commitment, will still face problems. But they will work together to solve the problems, because they have no choice. Divorce is not an option.
They must live together, so they need to work things out.
Furthermore, people who lack this commitment will not find their relationship ultimately satisfying. The beauty of marriage lies in knowing that you and one person value one another above all other people on earth, to the point that you are willing to commit yourselves to one another for life, no matter what the future holds. Only when you have that commitment will you find that, throughout life and even into old age, your marriage is truly satisfying.
The commitment of marriage is: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." That is not just tradition. It is not just a piece of paper. It is Bible principle ordained by Almighty God. Anything less fails to honor God or your spouse.
Young couples who are considering marriage need to have long, serious talks and Bible studies about the commitment of marriage. And they should never marry unless they are certain that they are both committed to stay married and be true to one another for life.
Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially children emotionally scarred for life. Often there are also severe financial consequences, especially for the wife and children. Above all, divorce always involves someone in disobedience to God.
A. Bible Teaching
Genesis 2:24 - From the beginning, God intended marriage to involve one man and one woman who cleave (be joined - NKJV) to one another and become one. God never intended for the union to be put asunder so another mate can be taken.
Malachi 2:14,16 - God hates divorce.
Romans 7:2,3 - Marriage is for life. A person who is bound in marriage to a spouse cannot have another companion as long as their first companion lives.
Matthew 19:3-9 (5:31,32) - What God has joined together, man must not put asunder. The only exception God allows, in which one may divorce a companion, is for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for any other reason, the divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits adultery. And whoever marries the one whom he put away commits adultery.
B. Applications
Never enter a Scripturally doubtful marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 - The only Scriptural alternatives for one who has improperly divorced are to remain unmarried or be reconciled to their Scriptural spouse.
A divorced person should never remarry unless they are certain that they divorced their spouse because that spouse committed fornication. Before you remarry, search your soul and the facts of your case. Make sure your spouse was guilty of fornication and that was the reason why you divorced them.
Never marry a divorced person unless you are certain they divorced their companion for Scriptural grounds. Have long talks and careful studies about the Bible teaching early in your relationship, before you develop strong emotions. Don't just take their word for it. Many divorced people deceive themselves or others in order to remarry. Talk to others who know the facts. Take the safe course and don't run risks with your soul. You may decide the risk is just not worth it.
When a divorced person remarries, his or her soul hangs in the balance, and so does the soul of the person he marries. If you really love someone, you will not endanger their soul or yours.
Enter marriage with a mutual determination to stay together for life.
Too many people enter marriage like they are buying a car: "I'll try this one, and if I get a lemon I'll just trade her in." Some even live together without marriage and call it a "trial marriage." They lack commitment. So when problems arise, as they do in all relationships, instead of making a determined effort to work the problems out, they just end the marriage.
A "trial marriage" is not a marriage at all, because it does not involve a lifetime commitment.
You can walk out at anytime. That tells you nothing about marriage, because marriage involves commitment. That's why people, who do marry after living together, are more likely to divorce than those who do not live together. They think they have learned how to work together in marriage, but they haven't. They don't understand commitment.
Couples, who enter marriage with a true lifetime commitment, will still face problems. But they will work together to solve the problems, because they have no choice. Divorce is not an option.
They must live together, so they need to work things out.
Furthermore, people who lack this commitment will not find their relationship ultimately satisfying. The beauty of marriage lies in knowing that you and one person value one another above all other people on earth, to the point that you are willing to commit yourselves to one another for life, no matter what the future holds. Only when you have that commitment will you find that, throughout life and even into old age, your marriage is truly satisfying.
The commitment of marriage is: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." That is not just tradition. It is not just a piece of paper. It is Bible principle ordained by Almighty God. Anything less fails to honor God or your spouse.
Young couples who are considering marriage need to have long, serious talks and Bible studies about the commitment of marriage. And they should never marry unless they are certain that they are both committed to stay married and be true to one another for life.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
II. The Purpose of Marriage
What are proper reasons why one should choose to marry? How important are love, companionship, sexual affection, and raising children? What are improper reasons why some people marry?
If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more likely to accomplish those goals and to choose a mate with whom we can accomplish them. If we do not understand those goals, we are almost sure to fail to achieve what marriage is about.
A. The Main Goal of Marriage Is To Help One Another Serve God.
We have already discussed this under "Religion." However, there are also other legitimate reasons for marrying.
B. Marriage Is for Companionship and Love.
Genesis 2:18,21,22 - Woman was created because it was not good for man to be alone and because animals were not suitable companions for him. So God created woman to be a companion and helper to man. [Proverbs 18:22; 19:14]
Malachi 2:14 - The wife is a companion with whom the man has entered into the marriage covenant. [Proverbs 2:17]
Ephesians 5:25-29; Titus 2:4 - Husband and wife are both instructed to love one another.
When man and wife are proper companions loving one another as the Bible teaches, they fulfill one of the strongest desires and greatest needs people have. No one should ever marry until they are ready to love and care for their spouse at least as great as they care for themselves. However, this requires understanding what love really is. We will discuss this later in depth.
C. Marriage Is To Bear and Raise Children.
Genesis 1:27,28 - God told the first man and woman to reproduce and replenish the earth.
Psalms 127:3-5; 128:1-6 - Children should be appreciated as a gift from God.
Malachi 2:15 - God makes man and woman one, because He seeks godly offspring.
Ephesians 6:4 - Parents have a duty, in the family, to raise and train the children they bring into the world [Genesis 3:16].
No institution or arrangement, other than the family, can produce the same benefits for children. This is one reason why it is immoral to bear children out of wedlock or to refuse to care for them after we have given them birth. If children can be raised acceptably by child-care arrangements or government facilities, why did God insist that they be raised in a family?
One of life's greatest fulfillments is the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing you have brought into this world and brought up children who honor God and are a blessing to people around them. Young couples should not marry unless they are both willing to make the sacrifices and put forth the effort to do the very best they can to achieve this goal.
D. Marriage Is to Express Sexual Affection.
Hebrews 13:4 - The sexual union is holy and pure only within marriage.
Proverbs 5:15-20 - Man should find fulfillment for his desires only in his lawful wife.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,8,9 - Husband and wife should express sexual affection, not tempting their companion by "defrauding" them. Satisfying this desire is one legitimate reason for getting married.
Note that the sexual union is not just for procreation. It is a basic urge created by God. It is pure and holy, but it can properly be fulfilled only within the God-ordained institution of marriage.
Hence, it becomes a natural expression of the love and companionship of marriage.
Most people marry for a combination of the above reasons. When we understand the proper reasons for marriage, we also understand why it is a mistake for people to marry for other reasons, such as:
* To attain wealth, influence, popularity, or social status
* To escape serious problems in their previous home life
* Because all ones friends are getting married
* Just so you can feel like somebody wanted you - some people have felt unloved and rejected or inferior all their lives, so they just want to feel like somebody wants them.
* Because we are "on the rebound" from a broken relationship
* Because we want someone to provide for us or to keep house for us, etc.
* Because our family or friends think we make a good couple
When people enter marriage for these improper reasons, they usually find their marriage dissatisfies them, their companions, and especially God.
If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more likely to accomplish those goals and to choose a mate with whom we can accomplish them. If we do not understand those goals, we are almost sure to fail to achieve what marriage is about.
A. The Main Goal of Marriage Is To Help One Another Serve God.
We have already discussed this under "Religion." However, there are also other legitimate reasons for marrying.
B. Marriage Is for Companionship and Love.
Genesis 2:18,21,22 - Woman was created because it was not good for man to be alone and because animals were not suitable companions for him. So God created woman to be a companion and helper to man. [Proverbs 18:22; 19:14]
Malachi 2:14 - The wife is a companion with whom the man has entered into the marriage covenant. [Proverbs 2:17]
Ephesians 5:25-29; Titus 2:4 - Husband and wife are both instructed to love one another.
When man and wife are proper companions loving one another as the Bible teaches, they fulfill one of the strongest desires and greatest needs people have. No one should ever marry until they are ready to love and care for their spouse at least as great as they care for themselves. However, this requires understanding what love really is. We will discuss this later in depth.
C. Marriage Is To Bear and Raise Children.
Genesis 1:27,28 - God told the first man and woman to reproduce and replenish the earth.
Psalms 127:3-5; 128:1-6 - Children should be appreciated as a gift from God.
Malachi 2:15 - God makes man and woman one, because He seeks godly offspring.
Ephesians 6:4 - Parents have a duty, in the family, to raise and train the children they bring into the world [Genesis 3:16].
No institution or arrangement, other than the family, can produce the same benefits for children. This is one reason why it is immoral to bear children out of wedlock or to refuse to care for them after we have given them birth. If children can be raised acceptably by child-care arrangements or government facilities, why did God insist that they be raised in a family?
One of life's greatest fulfillments is the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing you have brought into this world and brought up children who honor God and are a blessing to people around them. Young couples should not marry unless they are both willing to make the sacrifices and put forth the effort to do the very best they can to achieve this goal.
D. Marriage Is to Express Sexual Affection.
Hebrews 13:4 - The sexual union is holy and pure only within marriage.
Proverbs 5:15-20 - Man should find fulfillment for his desires only in his lawful wife.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,8,9 - Husband and wife should express sexual affection, not tempting their companion by "defrauding" them. Satisfying this desire is one legitimate reason for getting married.
Note that the sexual union is not just for procreation. It is a basic urge created by God. It is pure and holy, but it can properly be fulfilled only within the God-ordained institution of marriage.
Hence, it becomes a natural expression of the love and companionship of marriage.
Most people marry for a combination of the above reasons. When we understand the proper reasons for marriage, we also understand why it is a mistake for people to marry for other reasons, such as:
* To attain wealth, influence, popularity, or social status
* To escape serious problems in their previous home life
* Because all ones friends are getting married
* Just so you can feel like somebody wanted you - some people have felt unloved and rejected or inferior all their lives, so they just want to feel like somebody wants them.
* Because we are "on the rebound" from a broken relationship
* Because we want someone to provide for us or to keep house for us, etc.
* Because our family or friends think we make a good couple
When people enter marriage for these improper reasons, they usually find their marriage dissatisfies them, their companions, and especially God.
Friday, December 12, 2008
E. The Importance of Common Faith in the Home
Genesis 2:18 - One of the most important purposes of marriage is companionship: sharing common goals and interests. Failure to share a common religious faith is one of the major grounds for conflict in marriage.
A Christian should marry a faithful Christian for all the following reasons:
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your worship to God.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - We already learned that families should worship God together, especially attending public worship assemblies. When both companions are Christians, they commune together in song, prayer, the Lord's Supper, etc. They will agree about the need to give generously to support the church.
But if you do not marry a Christian, your spouse may not attend with you. Worse yet, he or she may attend a false religious group. He may actively oppose your attendance with the Lord's church. He may resent and oppose giving money to church.
Proverbs 15:8,29 - Even if your companion does not actively oppose your worship, you still lack the unity and support you need. God will not accept his worship as long as he remains outside Christ. [1 Corinthians 10:16,17]
A faithful Christian will pray with you, not hinder your prayers.
We have learned that Christians should pray to God together and pray for one another (James 5:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:17).
1 John 3:22 - But if your companion is not a Christian, God will not hear or answer his prayer (Proverbs 28:9; James 5:16). He may even ridicule you for your prayers. If a young lady marries a young man who is not a Christian, who will lead family prayers before meals and other times when Christians would pray together?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your Bible study.
We have also learned that Christian couples should discuss and study Bible principles together and encourage one another with God's word (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
But a companion who is not a Christian may not be willing to study. If you initiate a spiritual discussion, the result may be argument and conflict. In all these aspects of worship, instead of being a source of strength, your companion will become a hindrance and discouragement.
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to teach God's word.
Acts 8:4 - Christians should share the message of the gospel with others [Hebrews 5:12]. This too is something we can help one another do in our homes (Acts 10:24,27,33).
Acts 18:26 - Like Aquila and Priscilla, Christian couples work together in this, inviting friends over to discuss religion and study the Bible. They can talk together and share ideas to improve their teaching.
But if your companion is not a Christian, he may oppose your efforts to teach. He may object if you invite others to your home to study, and may resent the time you spend in teaching. He may openly contradict the truth, and will surely hinder your teaching by his example.
A faithful Christian will obey and help you obey Bible teaching about marriage.
We have learned that truly good marriages must be based on Bible principles. Most marital unhappiness comes because people do not follow the Bible principles about marriage.
We will learn more of these principles as we proceed: husbands should love and provide for their wives, wives should submit to their husbands and be homemakers, etc.
If you marry a Christian, you have a right to expect him or her to obey the Bible. But you would have no reason from the very outset to expect a non-Christian to obey God's word. If he or she does not obey God's plan for marriage, how will you motivate him to do right?
A faithful Christian will encourage, not discourage, proper morality.
2 Timothy 3:16,17; Psalm 119:105 - Christian couples have a common standard by which to determine their moral beliefs and practices.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, he may have (or may develop) habits you object to: drinking liquor, smoking, profanity, dirty jokes, gambling, dirty TV shows, suggestive clothing, even pornography or drug abuse.
What if he/she spends family funds on things you consider to be immoral? What if he/she is dishonest in business dealings or refuses to pay family debts? What if he wants to donate funds to causes that you oppose?
How can you appeal to him, if you knew all along that he was not living by the Bible?
A Christian should marry a faithful Christian for all the following reasons:
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your worship to God.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - We already learned that families should worship God together, especially attending public worship assemblies. When both companions are Christians, they commune together in song, prayer, the Lord's Supper, etc. They will agree about the need to give generously to support the church.
But if you do not marry a Christian, your spouse may not attend with you. Worse yet, he or she may attend a false religious group. He may actively oppose your attendance with the Lord's church. He may resent and oppose giving money to church.
Proverbs 15:8,29 - Even if your companion does not actively oppose your worship, you still lack the unity and support you need. God will not accept his worship as long as he remains outside Christ. [1 Corinthians 10:16,17]
A faithful Christian will pray with you, not hinder your prayers.
We have learned that Christians should pray to God together and pray for one another (James 5:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:17).
1 John 3:22 - But if your companion is not a Christian, God will not hear or answer his prayer (Proverbs 28:9; James 5:16). He may even ridicule you for your prayers. If a young lady marries a young man who is not a Christian, who will lead family prayers before meals and other times when Christians would pray together?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your Bible study.
We have also learned that Christian couples should discuss and study Bible principles together and encourage one another with God's word (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
But a companion who is not a Christian may not be willing to study. If you initiate a spiritual discussion, the result may be argument and conflict. In all these aspects of worship, instead of being a source of strength, your companion will become a hindrance and discouragement.
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to teach God's word.
Acts 8:4 - Christians should share the message of the gospel with others [Hebrews 5:12]. This too is something we can help one another do in our homes (Acts 10:24,27,33).
Acts 18:26 - Like Aquila and Priscilla, Christian couples work together in this, inviting friends over to discuss religion and study the Bible. They can talk together and share ideas to improve their teaching.
But if your companion is not a Christian, he may oppose your efforts to teach. He may object if you invite others to your home to study, and may resent the time you spend in teaching. He may openly contradict the truth, and will surely hinder your teaching by his example.
A faithful Christian will obey and help you obey Bible teaching about marriage.
We have learned that truly good marriages must be based on Bible principles. Most marital unhappiness comes because people do not follow the Bible principles about marriage.
We will learn more of these principles as we proceed: husbands should love and provide for their wives, wives should submit to their husbands and be homemakers, etc.
If you marry a Christian, you have a right to expect him or her to obey the Bible. But you would have no reason from the very outset to expect a non-Christian to obey God's word. If he or she does not obey God's plan for marriage, how will you motivate him to do right?
A faithful Christian will encourage, not discourage, proper morality.
2 Timothy 3:16,17; Psalm 119:105 - Christian couples have a common standard by which to determine their moral beliefs and practices.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, he may have (or may develop) habits you object to: drinking liquor, smoking, profanity, dirty jokes, gambling, dirty TV shows, suggestive clothing, even pornography or drug abuse.
What if he/she spends family funds on things you consider to be immoral? What if he/she is dishonest in business dealings or refuses to pay family debts? What if he wants to donate funds to causes that you oppose?
How can you appeal to him, if you knew all along that he was not living by the Bible?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
C. The Importance of Worshiping God and Studying His Word in our Homes
Our families should worship God together.
Genesis 2:18-24 - Man and woman should be companions for one another. If serving God is our most important goal in life, then worship is one important area which we should share.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua determined that he and his house would serve the Lord. This is something the whole family together was committed to doing.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - God wants His people to worship Him, including attending church assemblies. If we are to help one another serve Him, then we will do this together.
Young couples, from the very beginning of their relationship, should determine to attend every meeting of the local church and take advantage of other opportunities to worship. If someone is not interested in worshiping God with you, what are the chances that you can work with that person to help one another serve God?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must worship God regularly together.
To be guided by God's word, a family must study it together.
Hebrews 3:13 - Christians should exhort one another daily to stay faithful. But helping one another serve God is the main goal of our homes. We cannot possibly accomplish the most important purpose for our marriage unless we daily study and discuss God's word.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his family to keep God's way.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - We should keep God's words in our hearts, teaching them diligently to our children, talking of them continually.
Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Young couples should begin this practice from beginning of their relationship. Suggest spiritual topics and study them together. This helps you understand one another's beliefs, develops your Bible knowledge, and establishes a spiritual foundation for your relationship. If someone is not comfortable or not interested in studying the Bible with you, what are the chances he/she will work with you to achieve the ultimate goal of serving God and going to heaven?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must learn to discuss God's word.
[1 Thessalonians 5:11; Acts 8:4; 10:24,27,33]
In particular, families need to pray together and pray for one another.
James 5:16 - Praying together is one of the most important things Christians can do to help one another be saved. But remember, helping one another be saved is the main goal of marriage.
James 1:5 - Those who need wisdom should pray for it. This wisdom will come as we study God's word. But don't we need wisdom to have good marriages? Are there things about your marriage that you wish you had the wisdom to improve? Do you want to know whether or not it would be wise to marry some particular young man/woman? If so, then we must diligently pray that we will have wisdom from God's word in our homes. [Heb. 5:14]
Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Don't we often have concerns for our marriage and our family? Do we become anxious or worried about what might happen? Don't we have needs we wish to see fulfilled in our homes? Then let us pray to God about these things.
Genesis 24:12 - Abraham had given a charge to his servant to find a wife for Isaac. The servant went to God in prayer for success. Do you want to be successful in finding a marriage companion or that your children will find a proper marriage companion? If this servant prayed about such a matter, how much more so the parents or the person who seeks a companion?
Again, I urge young couples to begin this practice from the very early days of your relationship. If someone is not comfortable praying with you or does not think prayer is important, will he/she make a good marriage companion?
Every Christian who wants a good marriage should never let a day go by that you don't pray to God for your spouse, your children, and yourself that all of you will serve God faithfully in your home. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must pray to God regularly.
[1 Chronicles 29:19]
Genesis 2:18-24 - Man and woman should be companions for one another. If serving God is our most important goal in life, then worship is one important area which we should share.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua determined that he and his house would serve the Lord. This is something the whole family together was committed to doing.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - God wants His people to worship Him, including attending church assemblies. If we are to help one another serve Him, then we will do this together.
Young couples, from the very beginning of their relationship, should determine to attend every meeting of the local church and take advantage of other opportunities to worship. If someone is not interested in worshiping God with you, what are the chances that you can work with that person to help one another serve God?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must worship God regularly together.
To be guided by God's word, a family must study it together.
Hebrews 3:13 - Christians should exhort one another daily to stay faithful. But helping one another serve God is the main goal of our homes. We cannot possibly accomplish the most important purpose for our marriage unless we daily study and discuss God's word.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his family to keep God's way.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - We should keep God's words in our hearts, teaching them diligently to our children, talking of them continually.
Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Young couples should begin this practice from beginning of their relationship. Suggest spiritual topics and study them together. This helps you understand one another's beliefs, develops your Bible knowledge, and establishes a spiritual foundation for your relationship. If someone is not comfortable or not interested in studying the Bible with you, what are the chances he/she will work with you to achieve the ultimate goal of serving God and going to heaven?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must learn to discuss God's word.
[1 Thessalonians 5:11; Acts 8:4; 10:24,27,33]
In particular, families need to pray together and pray for one another.
James 5:16 - Praying together is one of the most important things Christians can do to help one another be saved. But remember, helping one another be saved is the main goal of marriage.
James 1:5 - Those who need wisdom should pray for it. This wisdom will come as we study God's word. But don't we need wisdom to have good marriages? Are there things about your marriage that you wish you had the wisdom to improve? Do you want to know whether or not it would be wise to marry some particular young man/woman? If so, then we must diligently pray that we will have wisdom from God's word in our homes. [Heb. 5:14]
Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Don't we often have concerns for our marriage and our family? Do we become anxious or worried about what might happen? Don't we have needs we wish to see fulfilled in our homes? Then let us pray to God about these things.
Genesis 24:12 - Abraham had given a charge to his servant to find a wife for Isaac. The servant went to God in prayer for success. Do you want to be successful in finding a marriage companion or that your children will find a proper marriage companion? If this servant prayed about such a matter, how much more so the parents or the person who seeks a companion?
Again, I urge young couples to begin this practice from the very early days of your relationship. If someone is not comfortable praying with you or does not think prayer is important, will he/she make a good marriage companion?
Every Christian who wants a good marriage should never let a day go by that you don't pray to God for your spouse, your children, and yourself that all of you will serve God faithfully in your home. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must pray to God regularly.
[1 Chronicles 29:19]
I. The Role of Religion
How important should religion, faith, worship, and Bible study be in marriage and in choice of a spouse? What authorities or experts should husbands and wives follow? Why should a Christian marry a faithful Christian?
Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:
A. The Authority or Source of Guidance Your Home Follows
Many people are confused about the proper way to conduct their home life. What authority should your home follow?
People often follow human "authorities" to the harm of the home.
Worldly marriage "experts" - psychiatrists, feminists, sex educators, civil government, etc. [1 Corinthians 1:19-21; 2:4,5; Proverbs 14:12]
Practices of society - advice or example of friends, neighbors, etc. [Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians 10:12; Matthew 7:13,14]
Practices of our parents - people tend to act in their families the way people around them acted as they grew up. [Matthew 10:34-37; Acts 5:29]
Personal desires or desires of the family members [Matt 16:24,25; 10:34-37]
We need not ignore all advice these folks give; they are not always mistaken. But they are often wrong, and many of the problems in our homes come from following these authorities.
We need a better standard - a source of higher wisdom. Suppose we had an infallible source of guidance. Shouldn't we follow such a standard, instead of these fallible human standards? If these human guides disagree with our infallible source, shouldn't we reject the human standards and follow the infallible one?
The ultimate source of guidance in your home should be the Bible.
Genesis 2:18-24 - God created marriage and the home from the beginning. Since He created marriage, He knows the best way to conduct it.
1 Thessalonians 2:13 - The Bible is a revelation of the wisdom, not of men, but of God. It works effectively in those who believe.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 - Scriptures are profitable to teach and instruct us and provide us completely to all good works. Doesn't that include the good work of having a good marriage?
Isaiah 55:8,9 - But God's wisdom is superior to that of man, like the heavens are higher than the earth. This is true in every area.
Joshua 1:8 - We have success in our work when we study God's plan and do not depart from it. Many claim to believe this regarding salvation, the church, worship, etc. But do we likewise follow God's plan for our homes?
Psalm 127:1 - Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.
We do not need to have so much confusion and uncertainty about family affairs. The Bible is the word of God, and God is never wrong. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must follow the proper guide.
[2 Peter 1:3; Acts 17:11]
B. The Main Goal for Our Homes
Too many families put too much emphasis on materialistic goals.
Material possessions - Luke 12:15-21; 1 Timothy 6:9,10; 1 John 2:15-17.
Pleasure - 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Hebrews 11:24-26.
Popularity and social standing - John 12:42,43.
Beauty - Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3,4.
Recreation, athletics - 1 Timothy 4:8.
The most important goal our homes should seek to accomplish is to serve God and to help one another receive eternal life.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his house to keep God's ways.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua committed himself and his family to serve God.
Malachi 2:15 - God seeks homes that result in godly offspring.
There are other important goals for our homes, such as love and companionship and raising our children to be good citizens. But even if a family has all these, it is still a failure if it does not accomplish the most important goal. Too often families become so involved in pursuing other less important goals that they neglect responsibilities to God.
In order to have proper home lives, service to God must be our main focal point. Do not marry someone who does not view serving God as their main goal in life.
[Matthew 6:33; Romans 12:1,2; 1 Corinthians 15:58]
Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:
A. The Authority or Source of Guidance Your Home Follows
Many people are confused about the proper way to conduct their home life. What authority should your home follow?
People often follow human "authorities" to the harm of the home.
Worldly marriage "experts" - psychiatrists, feminists, sex educators, civil government, etc. [1 Corinthians 1:19-21; 2:4,5; Proverbs 14:12]
Practices of society - advice or example of friends, neighbors, etc. [Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians 10:12; Matthew 7:13,14]
Practices of our parents - people tend to act in their families the way people around them acted as they grew up. [Matthew 10:34-37; Acts 5:29]
Personal desires or desires of the family members [Matt 16:24,25; 10:34-37]
We need not ignore all advice these folks give; they are not always mistaken. But they are often wrong, and many of the problems in our homes come from following these authorities.
We need a better standard - a source of higher wisdom. Suppose we had an infallible source of guidance. Shouldn't we follow such a standard, instead of these fallible human standards? If these human guides disagree with our infallible source, shouldn't we reject the human standards and follow the infallible one?
The ultimate source of guidance in your home should be the Bible.
Genesis 2:18-24 - God created marriage and the home from the beginning. Since He created marriage, He knows the best way to conduct it.
1 Thessalonians 2:13 - The Bible is a revelation of the wisdom, not of men, but of God. It works effectively in those who believe.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 - Scriptures are profitable to teach and instruct us and provide us completely to all good works. Doesn't that include the good work of having a good marriage?
Isaiah 55:8,9 - But God's wisdom is superior to that of man, like the heavens are higher than the earth. This is true in every area.
Joshua 1:8 - We have success in our work when we study God's plan and do not depart from it. Many claim to believe this regarding salvation, the church, worship, etc. But do we likewise follow God's plan for our homes?
Psalm 127:1 - Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.
We do not need to have so much confusion and uncertainty about family affairs. The Bible is the word of God, and God is never wrong. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must follow the proper guide.
[2 Peter 1:3; Acts 17:11]
B. The Main Goal for Our Homes
Too many families put too much emphasis on materialistic goals.
Material possessions - Luke 12:15-21; 1 Timothy 6:9,10; 1 John 2:15-17.
Pleasure - 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Hebrews 11:24-26.
Popularity and social standing - John 12:42,43.
Beauty - Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3,4.
Recreation, athletics - 1 Timothy 4:8.
The most important goal our homes should seek to accomplish is to serve God and to help one another receive eternal life.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his house to keep God's ways.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua committed himself and his family to serve God.
Malachi 2:15 - God seeks homes that result in godly offspring.
There are other important goals for our homes, such as love and companionship and raising our children to be good citizens. But even if a family has all these, it is still a failure if it does not accomplish the most important goal. Too often families become so involved in pursuing other less important goals that they neglect responsibilities to God.
In order to have proper home lives, service to God must be our main focal point. Do not marry someone who does not view serving God as their main goal in life.
[Matthew 6:33; Romans 12:1,2; 1 Corinthians 15:58]
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Marriage Preparation and Improvement
Bible Principles for Preparing to Marry, Choosing a Spouse, and Having a Better Marriage
Many couples seek help to improve their marriages. Others seek guidance in choosing a companion to marry or preparing for marriage. What counseling can Bible principles provide about the purpose and permanence of marriage, maturity, religion, and love in the home? What roles should the husband and wife fulfill? What about relations, friends, in-laws, and raising children? Why should the sexual affection and the sex relationship be reserved till after the wedding and fulfilled only with ones Scriptural spouse?
Introduction:
There is significant evidence that many marriages today are troubled.
Many forces in society are undermining the Biblical concept of the home.
* Divorce - Each year the number of divorces is about half the number of marriages.
* Conflict and violence - Many families quarrel continually or even become violent. Nearly 1/3 of all murders are committed between family members.
* Fornication and sexual unfaithfulness - Premarital sex and even extra-marital sex are commonly accepted.
* Rebellious and delinquent children - Many young people rebel against the moral or religious standards taught them by their parents.
* Confusion about authority and roles in the home - We are told that it is old-fashioned to believe that the husband should be the breadwinner and head of the family and that the wife should be the homemaker. Parents are led to believe that they have no right to insist that their children obey them or to use physical punishment.
It follows that a study of marriage should be valuable to everyone.
* Couples who are engaged or seriously considering marriage should appreciate guidance about how to have a good marriage and how to determine whether or not they are suited for one another.
* Individuals who are hoping to marry someday, even if they are looking for somebody, still need to consider how to prepare for marriage and how to choose a marriage partner.
* People who are already married need to consider how to improve their marriage.
* Unmarried people - even if they never plan to marry - can still profit from such a study, because all around you are married people. As Christians, you should want to try to help these people understand God's will for their homes.
The purpose of this study is to discuss a number of basic principles people should consider in order to prepare for marriage or to improve marriage.
I do not profess to know all about marriage, but I believe God understands marriage and has revealed the best plan for marriage in the Bible. And I surely do not claim to have been a perfect husband. On the contrary, I know many areas where I have failed or could have improved, and my family can probably name other areas that I am not aware of. So, the goal is to study what the Bible says about marriage, and perhaps along the way I can help you avoid some of my mistakes.
Many couples seek help to improve their marriages. Others seek guidance in choosing a companion to marry or preparing for marriage. What counseling can Bible principles provide about the purpose and permanence of marriage, maturity, religion, and love in the home? What roles should the husband and wife fulfill? What about relations, friends, in-laws, and raising children? Why should the sexual affection and the sex relationship be reserved till after the wedding and fulfilled only with ones Scriptural spouse?
Introduction:
There is significant evidence that many marriages today are troubled.
Many forces in society are undermining the Biblical concept of the home.
* Divorce - Each year the number of divorces is about half the number of marriages.
* Conflict and violence - Many families quarrel continually or even become violent. Nearly 1/3 of all murders are committed between family members.
* Fornication and sexual unfaithfulness - Premarital sex and even extra-marital sex are commonly accepted.
* Rebellious and delinquent children - Many young people rebel against the moral or religious standards taught them by their parents.
* Confusion about authority and roles in the home - We are told that it is old-fashioned to believe that the husband should be the breadwinner and head of the family and that the wife should be the homemaker. Parents are led to believe that they have no right to insist that their children obey them or to use physical punishment.
It follows that a study of marriage should be valuable to everyone.
* Couples who are engaged or seriously considering marriage should appreciate guidance about how to have a good marriage and how to determine whether or not they are suited for one another.
* Individuals who are hoping to marry someday, even if they are looking for somebody, still need to consider how to prepare for marriage and how to choose a marriage partner.
* People who are already married need to consider how to improve their marriage.
* Unmarried people - even if they never plan to marry - can still profit from such a study, because all around you are married people. As Christians, you should want to try to help these people understand God's will for their homes.
The purpose of this study is to discuss a number of basic principles people should consider in order to prepare for marriage or to improve marriage.
I do not profess to know all about marriage, but I believe God understands marriage and has revealed the best plan for marriage in the Bible. And I surely do not claim to have been a perfect husband. On the contrary, I know many areas where I have failed or could have improved, and my family can probably name other areas that I am not aware of. So, the goal is to study what the Bible says about marriage, and perhaps along the way I can help you avoid some of my mistakes.
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