The Bible often states the husband's responsibility to provide family income.
Genesis 3:17-19 - From the beginning the man was responsible to labor with his hands to provide bread A man who is able to do this but will not, is lazy and foolish (Proverbs 24:30-34). [1 Thessalonians 4:10-12; 2 Thessalonians 3:10]
Ephesians 5:28-31 - The man should labor, not just to provide for himself, but also to "nourish and cherish" his wife as he does his own body. These terms include providing and caring for her, as well as protecting her. (Cf. v23.)
1 Timothy 5:8 - The man who will not provide for his own, especially his own household, is worse than an unbeliever. Yet, all across the country there are men who fail to provide for their families as they ought. Even though they are able-bodied, they live off welfare or off relatives or institutions. Meantime, their families suffer.
The Bible is filled with examples of men who were employed in various occupations by which they provided for their families, including occupations that often took them away from their families through the day. This includes sailors, shepherds, physicians, tax collectors, carpenters, fishermen, preachers, etc. There is no passage, however, that teaches wives, especially if they are mothers, that they are similarly obligated to leave their families and work to provide income.
Mothers are instructed to be homemakers, managing the home.
Bible teaching
Genesis 2:18ff - The wife was created to be a companion and helper to her husband. She finds her fulfillment, not in competing with the husband in his work nor in taking his responsibilities, but in assisting him. [Titus 2:4]
1 Timothy 5:14 - She should manage the household. (Cf. Proverbs 31:27.)
Titus 2:5 - She should be taught by the older women to be a homemaker (NKJV; "worker at home" - ASV).
Psalm 113:9 - She should rejoice and praise God for her role as mother and keeper of a home. Husbands ought to praise their wives for fulfilling this role.
Proverbs 7:11,12 - It is a shame for a woman to gad about instead of staying at home.
John 10:11-14 - Some work cannot be done by one who is simply hired, as well as it can be done by one who has a personal relationship. What is true of caring for mere animals would surely also be true of caring for our family members. Ladies, no one can love and care for your husbands and your children like you can. Can you hire another woman to fulfill your role as companion to your husband and submit to him in your place? Then why think your can hire a day-care center, babysitter, or other hireling to love and care for your children in your place?
Applications
The roles of wife, mother, and homemaker are not the only responsibilities God requires of women. He also requires them to teach His word, be active in the church, care for the needy, visit the sick, and be diligent in prayer and Bible study, etc. Some of these activities may even briefly take her away from her house. But it should be clear that filling all her God-given roles would constitute a full-time job for any mother.
The Bible simply does not approve of the idea of modern society that family roles are to be shared equally or interchanged or hired out to others. Most of the major problems that exist in modern homes can be traced to a failure of husband, wife, or both to understand and properly fill their God-given role.
There may be circumstances in which the husband or wife is unable to do their work, so their spouse may take the duties of a companion in an emergency circumstance. And wives may find ways to contribute to family income without leaving their children or neglecting their families or their homes. But the fact remains that God said the man is responsible to be the head of the family and the one to provide the income, and he said that the woman is to be in subjection and is to be the homemaker. Yet, all across the country there are families in deep trouble because husbands and/or wives neglect their God-given duties because they spend so much time doing things other than what God requires them to do.
Young ladies, make sure you marry a young man who is willing and able to provide for you and the family. If he doesn't hold down a job or doesn't show clear evidence of being able to provide an adequate living, or if he might encourage or even expect you to work so you cannot stay home and be a mother to your children, you need to resolve this before marriage. And while you should prepare to provide for yourself if you cannot find the right young man to marry, nevertheless you need to organize your education and lifestyle so that, when the right man does come along, you are prepared and willing to be a fulltime homemaker.
Young men, you make sure that the young woman you marry is committed to staying home and being a fulltime mother to your children. If she is career-minded or expects a lifestyle that you can't provide, make a serious effort to resolve this before marriage.
And throughout marriage, avoid making financial commitments that require two incomes. Some couples, early in marriage, develop commitments and attitudes that encourage the wife to continue working outside the home even after the children come. The best way to avoid these problems is to never put yourselves in the situation where you must have two incomes to make ends meet.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
VIII. Roles of Husband and Wife
What roles has God assigned to husbands and wives? Who should be the head to lead the family? How important is love in exercising authority? Who should work to provide income? Is the role of homemaker demeaning?
Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned them different roles.
Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work - if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!
Biblical roles require the following:
A. The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband, But He Must Rule with Love.
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.
Genesis 3:16 - God decreed that the man should rule over his wife. This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a decree of Almighty God.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife should submit to her husband as the church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in "everything." She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus' decisions.
The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something that would be sinful to do; then she "must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).
Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus' authority in every way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband's back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so she can obey it.
1 Peter 3:1-6 - If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]
[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.
Ephesians 5:25-29,33 - While the husband is head of the wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.
A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his own way and please himself.
Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1 Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.
Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions that affect you without your input.
Likewise, using family funds to do as you please, without careful consideration of the wife's needs and views, is selfish and unloving.
This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants. He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the decisions.
Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in sin (Romans 5:6-10).
Therefore, the husband must not be unloving toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should strive to understand the needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his decisions accordingly.
He should honor her (cf. cherish - Ephesians 5:29). The wife should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and respected companion.
The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less valuable or important. In God's plan, value and importance are not determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-22).
Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don't like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage commitment must be to "love, honor, and obey." Consider that carefully long before you say, "I do."
Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion, choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of Bible roles and commitment to follow them.
This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time and be sure you know a person well before you marry.
Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned them different roles.
Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work - if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!
Biblical roles require the following:
A. The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband, But He Must Rule with Love.
The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.
Genesis 3:16 - God decreed that the man should rule over his wife. This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a decree of Almighty God.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife should submit to her husband as the church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in "everything." She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus' decisions.
The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something that would be sinful to do; then she "must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).
Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus' authority in every way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband's back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so she can obey it.
1 Peter 3:1-6 - If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]
[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]
The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.
Ephesians 5:25-29,33 - While the husband is head of the wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.
A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his own way and please himself.
Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1 Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.
Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions that affect you without your input.
Likewise, using family funds to do as you please, without careful consideration of the wife's needs and views, is selfish and unloving.
This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants. He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the decisions.
Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in sin (Romans 5:6-10).
Therefore, the husband must not be unloving toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.
1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should strive to understand the needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his decisions accordingly.
He should honor her (cf. cherish - Ephesians 5:29). The wife should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and respected companion.
The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less valuable or important. In God's plan, value and importance are not determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-22).
Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don't like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage commitment must be to "love, honor, and obey." Consider that carefully long before you say, "I do."
Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion, choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of Bible roles and commitment to follow them.
This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time and be sure you know a person well before you marry.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
VII. Friends and In-Laws
What effect can friends, in-laws, family, and relatives have on a marriage? How important can the influence of companions be?
When you marry, you are marrying one person. But with him/her you "inherit" a whole new set of family members and friends. You will enter a close connection with his/her relatives and friends, and he/she will enter a relationship with your relatives and friends. Sometimes this leads to problems.
A. Sometimes, There Will Be a Conflict with In-Laws and Friends.
Genesis 2:24 - When a man and woman marry, they form a new family separated from the families of either of their parents. The husband is to leave the parents and form a new and stronger tie with his wife.
Ephesians 5:22-25 - The new family has a head: the husband. Neither the man's parents nor the wife's parents are the head of this new family. Friends and family may make suggestions or give Biblical instruction or even rebuke when needed. But the husband is the leader of the new family, and his decisions should give primary consideration to the needs and wishes of his wife.
But some parents do not respect this and try to continue making decisions for their children as they have in the past. Sometimes the son or daughter has trouble "cutting the apron strings" and is too heavily influenced by his/her parents. The new husband may allow his parents to make decisions for him or may make choices on the basis of what pleases his parents instead of what meets the needs of his wife. Or the wife may seek to submit to her parents, instead to her husband. Such interference by family or friends may cause serious conflict in the new marriage.
Avoiding or solving this problem will take understanding of God's will and firm resolve on the part of the new couple. They must discuss the problem, preferably before marriage. Make sure you have a mutual understanding about what your relationship will be to family and friends. If you see evidence of a problem, discuss it. Then the new husband and wife must confront the troublesome family member, explain the Bible teaching, and take a firm stand.
Sometimes the only solution may be to move some distance away from the parents.
B. Your Companion Will Bring to the Marriage Habits and Attitudes Learned from His/Her Family and Friends.
Even if your mate's family or friends make no direct efforts to interfere in your marriage, your companion will come to the marriage with patterns of thinking, acting, and speaking that he/she developed from parents, relatives, and acquaintances. Observing his/her family and friends may help you understand him/her and know what to expect.
The effect of family influence
Ezekiel 16:44 - Like mother, like daughter. Or, as we sometimes say it, "Like father, like son." All of us our influenced by what we grew up with. We tend to continue to relate to people according to the habits we established growing up and according to the role models we observed.
1 Kings 15:3 - This and many similar verses describe people who were good or bad like their parents were. When children grow up with parents who have a good marriage, treat one another well, and are good parents, their children tend to act the same way in their marriage. But if the parents are alcoholic, abusive, or negligent, the children may act that way, even if they hated the way their parents acted. They lack a good role model to follow and may simply not know how to act differently.
It is possible to be different from what a person experienced while growing up, but this is difficult. If you do not like the way your future spouse's parents act in their home, or if you do not like the way your future spouse treats his family, then take care. It will be very difficult for your spouse to change these patterns, and you need to spend lots of time making sure he/she is determined and able to be different.
Nehemiah 13:23,24 - Both parents influence children. If you have conflict with your spouse's family, this needs to be dealt with thoroughly, preferably before marriage. If you marry this person, you will not only have to deal with their family themselves, you will also have to deal with their influence on your mate.
The effect of friends
Proverbs 13:20 - Companionship with fools will make us foolish, but association with wise men will make us wise. Christians realize that our associations, especially our closest companions, will have a major influence on the kind of life we lead. Evil companions corrupt our morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).
When you marry, you inherit your companion's friends. If you marry a person who has a habit of choosing bad companions or "running with a bad crowd," those people will become your companions too. If you marry a person who shows a pattern of wise choice of friends, then both of you will be able to associate with godly, moral people.
Proverbs 29:27 - An unjust man is an abomination to the righteous. But the ways of a righteous man are an abomination to the wicked! Before you marry a person, you need to consider how well you will get along with his friends and relatives and how well your spouse will get along with your family and friends.
Will your companion's friends and in-laws be the kind of people you will want to be visiting with frequently, especially after you have children? Does the person you are considering marrying make wise choice of his/her closest friends? And how will your spouse react to your family and friends?
Discuss these matters carefully before marriage and after marriage. Determine to marry a person only if he/she shows a commitment to good relationships and good influences. After marriage, continue to study God's word together and reevaluate the influence your family and friends have on you, on your marriage, and on your children.
When you marry, you are marrying one person. But with him/her you "inherit" a whole new set of family members and friends. You will enter a close connection with his/her relatives and friends, and he/she will enter a relationship with your relatives and friends. Sometimes this leads to problems.
A. Sometimes, There Will Be a Conflict with In-Laws and Friends.
Genesis 2:24 - When a man and woman marry, they form a new family separated from the families of either of their parents. The husband is to leave the parents and form a new and stronger tie with his wife.
Ephesians 5:22-25 - The new family has a head: the husband. Neither the man's parents nor the wife's parents are the head of this new family. Friends and family may make suggestions or give Biblical instruction or even rebuke when needed. But the husband is the leader of the new family, and his decisions should give primary consideration to the needs and wishes of his wife.
But some parents do not respect this and try to continue making decisions for their children as they have in the past. Sometimes the son or daughter has trouble "cutting the apron strings" and is too heavily influenced by his/her parents. The new husband may allow his parents to make decisions for him or may make choices on the basis of what pleases his parents instead of what meets the needs of his wife. Or the wife may seek to submit to her parents, instead to her husband. Such interference by family or friends may cause serious conflict in the new marriage.
Avoiding or solving this problem will take understanding of God's will and firm resolve on the part of the new couple. They must discuss the problem, preferably before marriage. Make sure you have a mutual understanding about what your relationship will be to family and friends. If you see evidence of a problem, discuss it. Then the new husband and wife must confront the troublesome family member, explain the Bible teaching, and take a firm stand.
Sometimes the only solution may be to move some distance away from the parents.
B. Your Companion Will Bring to the Marriage Habits and Attitudes Learned from His/Her Family and Friends.
Even if your mate's family or friends make no direct efforts to interfere in your marriage, your companion will come to the marriage with patterns of thinking, acting, and speaking that he/she developed from parents, relatives, and acquaintances. Observing his/her family and friends may help you understand him/her and know what to expect.
The effect of family influence
Ezekiel 16:44 - Like mother, like daughter. Or, as we sometimes say it, "Like father, like son." All of us our influenced by what we grew up with. We tend to continue to relate to people according to the habits we established growing up and according to the role models we observed.
1 Kings 15:3 - This and many similar verses describe people who were good or bad like their parents were. When children grow up with parents who have a good marriage, treat one another well, and are good parents, their children tend to act the same way in their marriage. But if the parents are alcoholic, abusive, or negligent, the children may act that way, even if they hated the way their parents acted. They lack a good role model to follow and may simply not know how to act differently.
It is possible to be different from what a person experienced while growing up, but this is difficult. If you do not like the way your future spouse's parents act in their home, or if you do not like the way your future spouse treats his family, then take care. It will be very difficult for your spouse to change these patterns, and you need to spend lots of time making sure he/she is determined and able to be different.
Nehemiah 13:23,24 - Both parents influence children. If you have conflict with your spouse's family, this needs to be dealt with thoroughly, preferably before marriage. If you marry this person, you will not only have to deal with their family themselves, you will also have to deal with their influence on your mate.
The effect of friends
Proverbs 13:20 - Companionship with fools will make us foolish, but association with wise men will make us wise. Christians realize that our associations, especially our closest companions, will have a major influence on the kind of life we lead. Evil companions corrupt our morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).
When you marry, you inherit your companion's friends. If you marry a person who has a habit of choosing bad companions or "running with a bad crowd," those people will become your companions too. If you marry a person who shows a pattern of wise choice of friends, then both of you will be able to associate with godly, moral people.
Proverbs 29:27 - An unjust man is an abomination to the righteous. But the ways of a righteous man are an abomination to the wicked! Before you marry a person, you need to consider how well you will get along with his friends and relatives and how well your spouse will get along with your family and friends.
Will your companion's friends and in-laws be the kind of people you will want to be visiting with frequently, especially after you have children? Does the person you are considering marrying make wise choice of his/her closest friends? And how will your spouse react to your family and friends?
Discuss these matters carefully before marriage and after marriage. Determine to marry a person only if he/she shows a commitment to good relationships and good influences. After marriage, continue to study God's word together and reevaluate the influence your family and friends have on you, on your marriage, and on your children.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
C. Husbands and Wives Must Control Their Anger.
Bible teaching
Ephesians 4:26 - Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must control our anger or it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]
James 1:19,20 - Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man's anger does not work God's righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly, and do not speak quickly when you are angry. You can learn to control your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs 29:11,20 - A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty in words. Sometimes people say, "I just say what I think," as though this justifies their sinful statements. But some things should not be thought, let alone said (Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their speech. Only a foolish man says every thought that comes to his mind, especially when he is angry. [Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs 15:1,28 - When you are angry or your spouse is angry, study to answer (think about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs 22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Applications
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many marriages.
Uncontrolled anger often leads to sin against others, especially those closest to us. It can even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse. If you have a temper problem, you must learn to control it if you ever expect to have a good home, to please God, or to receive eternal life.
If a person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not control, and especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let him learn to grow up and prove he can control himself over a long period of time, or marry someone else.
You say, "He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him."
Evil people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people, especially young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they are sorry, you must take them back and continue the relationship, even if you are not married.
Apologizing is good. But every liar will say he's sorry, when you catch him and prove unquestionably that he lied. People who frequently lose their temper will be sorry after they calm down. But real repentance requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts 26:20). Such characteristics are habits engrained in the character. They can be changed, but it will take time and motivation. Don't risk your soul and your happiness by marrying such a person.
If he apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But that does not require you to marry him or even to continue a relationship. Forgiving a person and marrying them are two different issues. Are you required to marry every person who asks your forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You have every right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have grounds to reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let him prove himself willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an emotional bond that could bring you to ruin.
2 Peter 1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 - Self-control is both a fruit of the Spirit and a virtue one must add to his faith.
Before they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and responsible enough to tell the truth, keep their promises, control their temper, and control their finances. If you are considering marrying a person who lacks self-control, do not think it will get better after marriage - it will probably get worse! Marry someone else, or at least wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed to prove they have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you are already married and have these problems, grow up! Study the Bible and make a commitment before God to change. Then keep your word and change.
Ephesians 4:26 - Being angry is not necessarily sinful, but we must control our anger or it will lead us into sin. [Mark 3:5]
James 1:19,20 - Be slow to speak, slow to wrath, because man's anger does not work God's righteousness. Learn not to get angry quickly, and do not speak quickly when you are angry. You can learn to control your temper. [Proverbs 14:17]
Proverbs 29:11,20 - A foolish man utters all his anger and is hasty in words. Sometimes people say, "I just say what I think," as though this justifies their sinful statements. But some things should not be thought, let alone said (Matthew 12:35-37). And wise men learn to control their speech. Only a foolish man says every thought that comes to his mind, especially when he is angry. [Ephesians 4:31,32; Proverbs 16:32; 25:28]
Proverbs 15:1,28 - When you are angry or your spouse is angry, study to answer (think about it carefully), and respond calmly.
Proverbs 22:24,25 - Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.
Applications
Failure to control ones temper leads to sin and ruins many marriages.
Uncontrolled anger often leads to sin against others, especially those closest to us. It can even lead to violence and spouse or child abuse. If you have a temper problem, you must learn to control it if you ever expect to have a good home, to please God, or to receive eternal life.
If a person is known to have a bad temper that he often does not control, and especially if he is known to get violent, why marry him? Let him learn to grow up and prove he can control himself over a long period of time, or marry someone else.
You say, "He said he was sorry and asked me to forgive him."
Evil people often take advantage of the kindness of innocent people, especially young women. They lead you to believe that, if they say they are sorry, you must take them back and continue the relationship, even if you are not married.
Apologizing is good. But every liar will say he's sorry, when you catch him and prove unquestionably that he lied. People who frequently lose their temper will be sorry after they calm down. But real repentance requires changing, not just being sorry (Acts 26:20). Such characteristics are habits engrained in the character. They can be changed, but it will take time and motivation. Don't risk your soul and your happiness by marrying such a person.
If he apologizes and promises to change, you should forgive. But that does not require you to marry him or even to continue a relationship. Forgiving a person and marrying them are two different issues. Are you required to marry every person who asks your forgiveness? You are not required to marry anybody! You have every right to decide not to marry a person on any grounds you choose.
If he goes a year or two without committing such sins, you may have grounds to reconsider. But meanwhile, break off the relationship and let him prove himself willing to truly change. This keeps you free from an emotional bond that could bring you to ruin.
2 Peter 1:6; Galatians 5:22,23 - Self-control is both a fruit of the Spirit and a virtue one must add to his faith.
Before they marry, a man and a woman should both be mature and responsible enough to tell the truth, keep their promises, control their temper, and control their finances. If you are considering marrying a person who lacks self-control, do not think it will get better after marriage - it will probably get worse! Marry someone else, or at least wait until he/she grows up and enough time has passed to prove they have a pattern of responsible conduct.
If you are already married and have these problems, grow up! Study the Bible and make a commitment before God to change. Then keep your word and change.
Monday, January 5, 2009
B. Husbands and Wives Should Pay Their Debts and Control Spending.
Money matters are one of the biggest causes of strife in marriage. Often the problem is caused by over-commitment to debt.
Bible principles
Christians must pay their debts.
2 Corinthians 8:21 - Provide for things that are honorable, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in dealing with men requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 - One who borrows and then does not pay again is wicked.
James 5:12 - Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don't intend to pay for a thing, don't promise that you will. If you do promise, then you are obligated to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8 - Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all what is due. This does not mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the payments come due, you must pay what you owe.
For Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts will be paid. Failure to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing to keep our promises.
[James 5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for material things.
Matthew 13:22 - In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil represents people in whom God's word is choked by the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches. These problems cause much marital strife and destroy marriages, as well as making people unfaithful to God.
1 John 2:15-17 - Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. People are often led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will satisfying our desires or that will make us feel important. We want what others have. But if we love the world, the love of God is not in us.
1 Timothy 6:6-10 - Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Instead, we need to learn to be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just because others have something doesn't mean your family needs it. Often a couple buys things they don't really need and can't really afford, then there is arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or both husband and wife work long hours to buy material things, but as a result they neglect their responsibilities to one another, to their children, to the church, etc.
Couples need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make a budget and live by it.
Make a list of the things you need in order to live and how much each one will cost you. If you can't afford to pay for a thing and still spend the time and money you need with your family and in God's work, then learn to do without it.
Avoid debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have every reason to believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person has demonstrated that they cannot control their spending and cannot learn to live on their income, then don't marry them. Or wait till they grow up and demonstrate in their life the basic honesty and self-control required to live within their means and pay their debts.
[Luke 12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
Bible principles
Christians must pay their debts.
2 Corinthians 8:21 - Provide for things that are honorable, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men. Being honorable in dealing with men requires paying our debts.
Psalm 37:21 - One who borrows and then does not pay again is wicked.
James 5:12 - Let your yea be yea and your nay, nay. If you don't intend to pay for a thing, don't promise that you will. If you do promise, then you are obligated to keep that commitment.
Romans 13:7,8 - Not only must we pay our taxes, but render to all what is due. This does not mean it is wrong to borrow. But when the payments come due, you must pay what you owe.
For Christians, there can be no doubt about whether or not debts will be paid. Failure to pay a debt is one form of dishonesty and failing to keep our promises.
[James 5:4]
One reason people are overwhelmed by debt is desire for material things.
Matthew 13:22 - In the parable of the sower, the thorny soil represents people in whom God's word is choked by the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches. These problems cause much marital strife and destroy marriages, as well as making people unfaithful to God.
1 John 2:15-17 - Do not love the world, nor the things in the world. People are often led to buy things they cannot afford because of lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, or pride of life. We see things that we think will satisfying our desires or that will make us feel important. We want what others have. But if we love the world, the love of God is not in us.
1 Timothy 6:6-10 - Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful lusts. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
Instead, we need to learn to be content with basic necessities.
Applications
Just because others have something doesn't mean your family needs it. Often a couple buys things they don't really need and can't really afford, then there is arguing about how the debts will be paid. Or both husband and wife work long hours to buy material things, but as a result they neglect their responsibilities to one another, to their children, to the church, etc.
Couples need to learn from the early days of their marriage to make a budget and live by it.
Make a list of the things you need in order to live and how much each one will cost you. If you can't afford to pay for a thing and still spend the time and money you need with your family and in God's work, then learn to do without it.
Avoid debt whenever possible. Never make a debt unless you have every reason to believe you can pay it. If you make a debt, pay it.
If a person has demonstrated that they cannot control their spending and cannot learn to live on their income, then don't marry them. Or wait till they grow up and demonstrate in their life the basic honesty and self-control required to live within their means and pay their debts.
[Luke 12:15-22; Matthew 6:19-33]
Saturday, January 3, 2009
VI. Responsibility, Honesty, and Self-Control
Why should married couples be responsible and honest? How important are trust, truth, keeping promises, paying debts, and controlling spending. Why avoid deceit, lying, and uncontrolled anger?
Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible conduct, especially regarding honesty, financial matters, and uncontrolled temper.
A. Husbands and Wives Must Tell the Truth and Keep Their Promises.
God requires us to tell the truth.
Bible teaching
Proverbs 6:16-19 - There are 7 things God hates, and two of them involve lying and deceit: "a lying tongue," and "a false witness that tells lies."
Proverbs 30:8 - Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant of God wants a close relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation 21:8,27; 22:14,15 - All liars will have their part in the lake of fire outside the holy city.
Ephesians 4:25 - Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no relationship is this more true than in marriage.
Romans 1:29,32 - Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves deliberately attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true. Those who practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it, both are worthy of death.
Psalm 40:4 - Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John 8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10; Matthew 15:18-20; Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be dishonest with our marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always sinful. Why should we practice them toward those whom God has commanded us to love?
Marriage is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive your spouse to get your way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and you sin against your spouse and against God.
And why would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person you are considering marrying lies to you or others, break off the relationship. A person who lies can never be trusted.
And if he/she lies to other people, don't think they won't lie to you. He will lie to anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never know when they are lying and when they are telling the truth. Why choose to live with that all your life?
God requires us to keep our promises.
Bible teaching
Hebrews 10:23 - God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just one of many characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a fundamental characteristic He possesses.
Genesis 29:18-28 - Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his wife if he would work seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah instead. This is described as deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole family, and trouble repeatedly resulted. When a person can keep a promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-53]
Numbers 30:1,2 - The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James 5:12 - Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor. 1:15-20]
The fact we don't take oaths under the New Testament does not mean that keeping our word is less needed in the New Testament than in the Old Testament; rather, it is more necessary. In the New Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old Testament oaths were binding.
Romans 1:31,32 - Among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (KJV & ASV). The NKJV says "untrustworthy" - surely, one who does keep his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew 7:12 (22:36-39) - The Golden Rule requires us to do to others as we want them to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make promises to you that they don't keep, then don't treat others this way.
[See also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer. 34:8-22; Ezek. 17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings 2:8,42f.]
Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a promise.
(1) We may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is not met, we are not obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood, even if not stated.]
(2) Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it impossible to do as planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church meeting, etc.) [Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The person to whom we made the commitment may agree to change the agreement [Prov. 6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must repent of having made the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew 21:28-30).
But we must never make a promise that we have no intention of keeping. Having made a promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it when we are able to keep it.
If a person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what reason do you have to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What evidence is there that he/she will stay with you till death or remain faithful sexually?
Few things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a partner who cannot be trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
Major marriage problems often are caused by irresponsible conduct, especially regarding honesty, financial matters, and uncontrolled temper.
A. Husbands and Wives Must Tell the Truth and Keep Their Promises.
God requires us to tell the truth.
Bible teaching
Proverbs 6:16-19 - There are 7 things God hates, and two of them involve lying and deceit: "a lying tongue," and "a false witness that tells lies."
Proverbs 30:8 - Remove far from me falsehood and lies. No servant of God wants a close relationship with one who practices lying or deceit.
Revelation 21:8,27; 22:14,15 - All liars will have their part in the lake of fire outside the holy city.
Ephesians 4:25 - Putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another. In no relationship is this more true than in marriage.
Romans 1:29,32 - Deceit is a twin brother of lying. It involves deliberately attempting to lead people to believe things that are not true. Those who practice it, and those who approve of others who practice it, both are worthy of death.
Psalm 40:4 - Do not have respect for those who turn aside to lies.
[John 8:44; Colossians 3:9; Psalm 24:3-5; 1 Peter 2:1,22; 3:10; Matthew 15:18-20; Proverbs 19:22; Exodus 20:16; Acts 5:1-9]
Applications
If we really understand this Bible teaching, why would we ever be dishonest with our marriage companion? Lying and deceit are always sinful. Why should we practice them toward those whom God has commanded us to love?
Marriage is based on mutual trust. When you sneak and deceive your spouse to get your way, you destroy the foundation of marriage and you sin against your spouse and against God.
And why would we marry anyone known to tell lies? If the person you are considering marrying lies to you or others, break off the relationship. A person who lies can never be trusted.
And if he/she lies to other people, don't think they won't lie to you. He will lie to anyone, when he thinks it is to his advantage. You never know when they are lying and when they are telling the truth. Why choose to live with that all your life?
God requires us to keep our promises.
Bible teaching
Hebrews 10:23 - God is faithful to His promises to us. This is just one of many characteristics God requires us to possess because it is a fundamental characteristic He possesses.
Genesis 29:18-28 - Laban agreed to give Rachel to Jacob for his wife if he would work seven years. But when the time came, he gave Leah instead. This is described as deceit (v25). Deceit characterized this whole family, and trouble repeatedly resulted. When a person can keep a promise but knowingly refuses to do so, that is deceitful. [31:4-13, 38-53]
Numbers 30:1,2 - The Lord commanded if a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. [Prov. 22:25]
James 5:12 - Do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your "Yes," be "Yes," and your "No," "No," lest you fall into judgment. [Matt. 5:33-37; 23:16-22; 2 Cor. 1:15-20]
The fact we don't take oaths under the New Testament does not mean that keeping our word is less needed in the New Testament than in the Old Testament; rather, it is more necessary. In the New Testament, giving your word is binding, like Old Testament oaths were binding.
Romans 1:31,32 - Among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (KJV & ASV). The NKJV says "untrustworthy" - surely, one who does keep his word is not trustworthy.
Matthew 7:12 (22:36-39) - The Golden Rule requires us to do to others as we want them to do to us. If it bothers you for people to make promises to you that they don't keep, then don't treat others this way.
[See also Proverbs 20:25; Ecclesiastes 5:2-6; Malachi 2:13-16; Jer. 34:8-22; Ezek. 17:12-16 (cf. v17-21); Gal. 3:15; Josh 2:9-21; 6:22f; 1 Kings 2:8,42f.]
Applications
Sometimes extenuating circumstances might release us from a promise.
(1) We may have made a conditional promise. If the condition is not met, we are not obligated. [Sometimes conditions are understood, even if not stated.]
(2) Physical circumstances beyond our control may make it impossible to do as planned (like sickness keeping us from job, church meeting, etc.) [Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34]
(3) The person to whom we made the commitment may agree to change the agreement [Prov. 6:1-5; Luke 7:41,42; Matt. 18:24-34].
(4) If we committed ourselves to do something sinful, we must repent of having made the commitment, and then not keep it (Matthew 21:28-30).
But we must never make a promise that we have no intention of keeping. Having made a promise, we must not knowingly fail to keep it when we are able to keep it.
If a person does not honor his word and keep his promises, what reason do you have to believe he will keep the marriage vows? What evidence is there that he/she will stay with you till death or remain faithful sexually?
Few things do more harm to the marriage relationship than a partner who cannot be trusted to tell the truth and keep his/her word.
Friday, January 2, 2009
E. Learn to Love by Thinking, Speaking, and Acting for the Wellbeing of the Other Person.
How do you put love into a marriage where it is lacking? Instead of thinking first and foremost about what you want, act for their good and the good of your relationship. You choose to do what is best for the other person! That is Biblical love.
The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!
The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing is that most of us are so foolish that we can't see that. This discussion involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes with Bible principles.
How do couples learn to love in the first place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things!
If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!
Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please the other person.
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, cards. After marriage, he stops.
Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?
Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.
Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?
Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?
Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?
Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?
We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead?
Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.
Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.
Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!
Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another.
All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget out time. Discuss your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month) and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours together. Do the things you did that led you into love.
We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!
Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.
* "We don't have time."
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.
Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."
* "We can't afford it."
You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.
You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!
The point is to spend time together.
* "We don't enjoy the same things."
She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.
Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?
Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or shopping. I don't much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like being with her. We shop for something we both want to get; or we shop where she wants and then where I want.
The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the fundamental problem?
When we make these excuses, we are saying we don't spend time together because the other person and our relationship with that person are not important enough!
If you don't have time or money for one another and don't' enjoy doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to do. If you don't do it now, it's because your marriage relationship is not important enough. You don't care like you used to. We may not say it or think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse feels it. And that's why our marriages lack love!
Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to do together, because you cared enough about one another. So the way to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.
The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!
The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing is that most of us are so foolish that we can't see that. This discussion involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes with Bible principles.
How do couples learn to love in the first place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things!
If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!
Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please the other person.
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, cards. After marriage, he stops.
Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?
Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.
Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?
Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?
Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?
Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?
We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead?
Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.
Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.
Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!
Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another.
All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget out time. Discuss your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month) and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours together. Do the things you did that led you into love.
We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!
Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.
* "We don't have time."
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.
Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."
* "We can't afford it."
You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.
You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!
The point is to spend time together.
* "We don't enjoy the same things."
She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.
Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?
Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or shopping. I don't much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like being with her. We shop for something we both want to get; or we shop where she wants and then where I want.
The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the fundamental problem?
When we make these excuses, we are saying we don't spend time together because the other person and our relationship with that person are not important enough!
If you don't have time or money for one another and don't' enjoy doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to do. If you don't do it now, it's because your marriage relationship is not important enough. You don't care like you used to. We may not say it or think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse feels it. And that's why our marriages lack love!
Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to do together, because you cared enough about one another. So the way to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.
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