VIII. Roles of Husband and Wife

What roles has God assigned to husbands and wives? Who should be the head to lead the family? How important is love in exercising authority? Who should work to provide income? Is the role of homemaker demeaning?

Traditionally and Biblically, the roles of husband and wife were fairly well defined. God created men and women different and assigned them different roles.

Modern philosophies, however, pressure modern families to believe these roles will not work in modern society. Indeed, they may not work - if we want to have the kind of families people in the world have. But if our primary goal in marriage is to serve God, then we will find the roles defined in the Bible are the only ones that will work!

Biblical roles require the following:

A. The Wife Must Submit to Her Husband, But He Must Rule with Love.

The Bible teaches wives to submit to their husbands.

Genesis 3:16 - God decreed that the man should rule over his wife. This is neither the invention of men nor the product of evolution. It is a decree of Almighty God.

Ephesians 5:22-24 - The wife should submit to her husband as the church should submit to Christ. And, she must submit in "everything." She has no more right to pick and choose which decisions she finds acceptable or reasonable, than the church does regarding Jesus' decisions.

The only exception is if her husband tells her to do something that would be sinful to do; then she "must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29).

Further, the church should cooperate with Jesus' authority in every way possible, submitting willingly out of love (John 14:15). Likewise, the wife should not try to look for loopholes or sneak behind her husband's back or manipulate his decisions by devious means. The command to love her husband (Titus 2:4) should lead her to seek to know his will so she can obey it.

1 Peter 3:1-6 - If her husband is disobedient to God and even if he misuses his authority, even then the wife is not justified in refusing to submit. In fact, this just gives more reason why she should submit, so she can set him a good example. [Cf. Romans 12:17-21.]

[See also Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Corinthians 11:3,8-12.]

The Bible teaches husbands to use their authority with love.

Ephesians 5:25-29,33 - While the husband is head of the wife, he must also rule with love as Jesus does for the church.

A man who loves his wife will not use his authority just to get his own way and please himself.

Instead, he will rule for the good of all (1 Corinthians 13:5). This often requires him to sacrifice his own desires for the good of the group, even as Jesus did in dying for the church.

Further, the husband should make a reasonable effort to consult his wife in decisions that affect her; he should take her will into consideration. God grants the church the right to influence His decisions by our prayers. For a husband to refuse to do this would be failing to love his wife as himself: you would not like people to make major decisions that affect you without your input.

Likewise, using family funds to do as you please, without careful consideration of the wife's needs and views, is selfish and unloving.

This does not mean the husband always does what the wife wants. He does what he honestly concludes is best; but making good decisions requires a willingness to receive input from those who must follow the decisions.

Again, Jesus acted with love for the church, even when we were in sin (Romans 5:6-10).
Therefore, the husband must not be unloving toward his wife, even when she is disrespectful or even sinful. On the contrary, he must seek to put love in the home, even when the wife is unloving, just as Jesus did for the church.

1 Peter 3:7 - The husband should strive to understand the needs of the wife and value her, so that he can make his decisions accordingly.

He should honor her (cf. cherish - Ephesians 5:29). The wife should not to be treated as property or a slave, but as a valued and respected companion.

The fact the husband is the leader does not mean the wife is any less valuable or important. In God's plan, value and importance are not determined by authority, but by the service we perform (Matthew 20:20-28). Men and women were each uniquely created by God to fill the role He planned for them. Though their authority and abilities differ, each is equally valuable and important in his/her role (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:14-22).

Young people, do not marry someone unless you are truly convinced that he/she will practice Biblical roles. Young lady, God will require you to submit to your husband for the rest of your life, even when you don't like his decisions and even if you think he is unreasonable. The marriage commitment must be to "love, honor, and obey." Consider that carefully long before you say, "I do."

Young man, God will require you to love your wife and make decisions for her good without bitterness, even when you think she is not submitting to you properly. When you choose a marriage companion, choose someone whose example and conduct indicates understanding of Bible roles and commitment to follow them.

This is another reason why it is so important to really take your time and be sure you know a person well before you marry.