E. Learn to Love by Thinking, Speaking, and Acting for the Wellbeing of the Other Person.

How do you put love into a marriage where it is lacking? Instead of thinking first and foremost about what you want, act for their good and the good of your relationship. You choose to do what is best for the other person! That is Biblical love.

The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!

The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another! This is one of the most profound things I learned in 35 years of marriage. The incredible thing is that most of us are so foolish that we can't see that. This discussion involves a measure of judgment and wisdom, but it surely harmonizes with Bible principles.

How do couples learn to love in the first place?

Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things!
If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!

Couples learn to love by saying and doing things to please the other person.

Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, flowers, cards. After marriage, he stops.

Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?

Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.

Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?

Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?

Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?

Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?

We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead?

Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.

Couples learn to love by taking time to be together.

Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!

Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And then once a year or so, take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another.

All of us live by some kind of schedule. We budget out time. Discuss your schedule with your spouse once a week (or at least once a month) and arrange an appointment for an evening or a couple of hours together. Do the things you did that led you into love.

We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!

Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.

* "We don't have time."

Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.

You have time to watch TV or visit on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?

Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.

Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."

* "We can't afford it."

You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.

You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.

What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!

The point is to spend time together.

* "We don't enjoy the same things."

She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games. Etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.

Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?

Karen and I like to dress up and go out to eat, to a clean movie, or shopping. I don't much care to eat out. But I know she likes it. And I like being with her. We shop for something we both want to get; or we shop where she wants and then where I want.

The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again.
What is missing in all these excuses? What is the fundamental problem?

When we make these excuses, we are saying we don't spend time together because the other person and our relationship with that person are not important enough!

If you don't have time or money for one another and don't' enjoy doing things together, how did you end up getting married? Before you got married, you found the time and the money and you found things to do. If you don't do it now, it's because your marriage relationship is not important enough. You don't care like you used to. We may not say it or think it, but our actions show it. And at least subconsciously, our spouse feels it. And that's why our marriages lack love!

Before marriage, you took time and money and you found things to do together, because you cared enough about one another. So the way to come to love one another again and to continue to love one another is to go back and do the things that led you to love one another to begin with.
Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.