Giving of self is the essence of love.
Bible principles
John 3:16 - God so loved the world that He gave His only-begotten Son.
Ephesians 5:25 - Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it.
1 John 3:14-18 - If you see your brother in need and don't give what is needed, you don't have love.
Romans 12:20 - Loving you enemy requires giving food and drink when needed.
A fundamental requirement of a good marriage is a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.
The decision to act properly and lovingly toward our spouse should not depend on how our spouse acts, let alone how a mood hits us. We must choose to give of ourselves, because it is good for others and pleasing to God.
This is fundamental to being unselfish. The selfish person doesn't want to give in or sacrifice.
They want to please themselves.
Giving and self-sacrifice is especially essential in solving conflict.
The fundamental lesson of Christ's love is to give up our own desires for the good of others, even when they are not acting the way we think they should.
In time of conflict, we say, "I'll do right or improve if he/she will too." If an act is beneficial for others, love requires us to do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, love requires us to admit it, regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.
Even if we are convinced our spouse has caused a problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it.
This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem, and He did not compromise with sin. What He did was sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did not just criticize our sin; He became involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.
A spouse may think, "He/she caused this problem, so let him/her solve it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do - how can I become involved - so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say, "Why don't you and I work on this together? What can I do to help?"
As long as neither spouse will take the first step toward a good marriage, the marriage can never be good. Each one must be committed to a good marriage. This requires us to give in at times where we wish we did not have to (assuming we do not sin). Each must be willing to sacrifice and give of themselves for the good of the marriage.
[1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37]
To improve your marriage, start with improving yourself.
If you are not married:
Make up your mind to marry only a person who will follow the Bible teaching about marriage. And then work to become the kind of person who will attract the kind of person you want to marry!
If you are a half-hearted Christian, halfheartedly involved in the church, practicing personal habits that are immoral or doubtful, do not expect to attract a faithful, dedicated Christian to marry! A dedicated Christian does not seek to marry a half-hearted Christian. To attract a faithful, dedicated Christian, you must be a faithful, dedicated Christian.
Likewise, if you have attitudes and habits that would hinder a good marriage, start now to change to become the kind of person who can work for a good marriage.
Likewise, if you are married:
If you are having problems in your marriage, do not expect your spouse to solve the problem. Begin by examining yourself! Most marriage problems result from faults on the part of both parties. Rarely is one person alone the whole cause of the problem.
1 Peter 3:1,2 - You cannot control what your spouse does. You can only control what you do. If you become what you should be, you will set the example to help your spouse become what he/she should be. Do not wait for them to change. Start doing all God says for you to do and you will have the best chance you can have for a good marriage.
Begin now to study the Bible teaching about the home, then conform your thoughts, words, and deed to that teaching. Become a faithful Christian and become the kind of person you need to be to have a Biblical marriage.
Differences we think we cannot tolerate should be resolved before marriage.
Some differences we may be able to live with. But if we know a person has a habit or characteristic that we find intolerable, especially if it is sinful, either resolve it before marriage or don't marry the person.
Do not marry a person thinking you will change them.
Often girls meet guys with immoral habits or disgusting characteristics and decide to reform them. People say women can twist men around their little finger. And women believe it.
Or men think, since they are the head of the family, the wife will have to change to please them. But even without being head of the family, women can make your life miserable a thousand different ways.
If you are convinced your partner must change in order to have a happy marriage, then the time to make this known and resolve it is before you marry them - better yet, before you even become seriously emotionally attached. Once you are married, you are committed for life, and no amount of wishful thinking can change that (Romans 7:2,3).
If a person has serious moral problems, don't try to change them by dating them.
Explain what it is that troubles you, and encourage them to work with stronger, older Christians of their own gender. Then distance yourself from the relationship, till they prove they will change by their own choice. They must change, not because you want them to change, but because God requires it and changing is the right thing to do. Otherwise, they may go through the motions of change just to please you, then revert after marriage. Or, you may become so emotionally attached that you marry them despite the problem, and then live to regret it.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
C. Love Must Be Expressed in Both Word and Action.
The way to choose to love is to choose to say and do what is best for ones spouse.
Bible principles
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and can't help but be expressed. Remember, love is a choice of the will.
We choose to state: "I love you. I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 - Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God's commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 - We must love, not just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
Applications
Couples should show love in how they treat one another.
Other topics will emphasize the duty of husbands and wives in the home. The husband provides for the family and uses his authority for the good of the group. The wife keeps the home and submits in love to the husband. That is Biblical love.
Love is also shown in treating one another with respect. We speak respectfully. We show common politeness and decency. We consider one another's views.
Love for God and for our spouse must motivate obedience to all God's teachings about marriage. This is the basis of obedience to all Divine commands (Matthew 22:37-39).
Couples need to show love by being affectionate.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - You owe your spouse "affection" (NKJV). The emphasis is on sexual expression. But couples need to learn that sexual affection is just the culmination of other forms of affection. Without other forms of affection, sexual union is hollow, lacking beauty and meaning. When a couple is affectionate throughout the day, sexual affection has true beauty.
You say, "I'm just not an affectionate person. My parents were never affectionate, either." Then choose to change! It may be harder for you, but love is a choice not a mood. You can change and become affectionate, just like you can change anything else necessary to please God.
This affection is "due" one another. It is not just an emotion or mood that overwhelms us, so we involuntarily start saying and doing sweet things. We should do and say kind things and express affection by choice. Make a point to remember to say, "I love you" and to be intimate.
Don't' wait till some mood or force compels us. We can and should choose to act these ways.
Bible principles
Love should be expressed by what we say.
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ states His love for the church (Ephesians 5:2; John 3:16). So husbands and wives should express love for one another in words.
This does not require an overwhelming romantic "feeling" that wells up and can't help but be expressed. Remember, love is a choice of the will.
We choose to state: "I love you. I am committed to this marriage and to your welfare."
Love should be expressed by what we do.
1 John 5:2,3 - Love for others requires us to love God and keep His commands. Keeping God's commands is loving God.
1 John 3:18 - We must love, not just in words, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We ought to say loving things, but that is not enough. We must act in love.
[Luke 10:25-37; 6:27,28]
Applications
Couples should show love in how they treat one another.
Other topics will emphasize the duty of husbands and wives in the home. The husband provides for the family and uses his authority for the good of the group. The wife keeps the home and submits in love to the husband. That is Biblical love.
Love is also shown in treating one another with respect. We speak respectfully. We show common politeness and decency. We consider one another's views.
Love for God and for our spouse must motivate obedience to all God's teachings about marriage. This is the basis of obedience to all Divine commands (Matthew 22:37-39).
Couples need to show love by being affectionate.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - You owe your spouse "affection" (NKJV). The emphasis is on sexual expression. But couples need to learn that sexual affection is just the culmination of other forms of affection. Without other forms of affection, sexual union is hollow, lacking beauty and meaning. When a couple is affectionate throughout the day, sexual affection has true beauty.
You say, "I'm just not an affectionate person. My parents were never affectionate, either." Then choose to change! It may be harder for you, but love is a choice not a mood. You can change and become affectionate, just like you can change anything else necessary to please God.
This affection is "due" one another. It is not just an emotion or mood that overwhelms us, so we involuntarily start saying and doing sweet things. We should do and say kind things and express affection by choice. Make a point to remember to say, "I love you" and to be intimate.
Don't' wait till some mood or force compels us. We can and should choose to act these ways.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
V. Loving One Another
How important are love and affection in marriage? What is love and how is it expressed? How can a couple put love into their marriage? Why practice giving and self-sacrifice, instead of selfishness?
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.
A. Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
Bible Principles
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]
Philippians 2:1-4 - Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the interests of those we love.
To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, problems are inevitable in the family.
Applications
Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major ways.
The husband is lazy and won't work to provide for the family.
The wife is lazy and won't care for the house and children.
The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a mess.
Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.
The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won't lift a finger to get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, "I need a sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels." But he would be furious if she made similar demands of him.
Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a time, neglecting her own work.
Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she wanted me to dress to please her.
Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just pleasing oneself.
B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Bible principles
Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded, because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Romans 5:6-8 - Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.
Titus 2:4 - Older women should admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.
Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably "fall" in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.
Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort. You do not just get married and automatically "live happily ever after." Such ideas make nice fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White. But that's all they are: fairy tales!
Applications
Couples can learn to love one another.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love.
Sometimes one says, "I just don't love her/him any more." They may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an appropriate response would be, "Have you repented? Have you confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?"
Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to put it in!
When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him.
This is the example the husband should follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands. You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.
This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses, specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.
Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.
A. Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.
Bible Principles
Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do what is best for her and the family.
1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]
Philippians 2:1-4 - Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the interests of those we love.
To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, problems are inevitable in the family.
Applications
Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major ways.
The husband is lazy and won't work to provide for the family.
The wife is lazy and won't care for the house and children.
The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a mess.
Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.
The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won't lift a finger to get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, "I need a sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels." But he would be furious if she made similar demands of him.
Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a time, neglecting her own work.
Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she wanted me to dress to please her.
Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just pleasing oneself.
B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.
Bible principles
Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded, because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.
Romans 5:6-8 - Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.
Titus 2:4 - Older women should admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.
Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably "fall" in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.
Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort. You do not just get married and automatically "live happily ever after." Such ideas make nice fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White. But that's all they are: fairy tales!
Applications
Couples can learn to love one another.
Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love.
Sometimes one says, "I just don't love her/him any more." They may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an appropriate response would be, "Have you repented? Have you confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?"
Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to put it in!
When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.
Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him.
This is the example the husband should follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands. You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.
This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses, specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.
Friday, December 26, 2008
C. Both of You Should Be Old Enough to Make Mature Judgments.
1 Corinthians 14:20 - Do not be children in understanding; in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature.
Proverbs 7:7 - Describing a young man who lacked wisdom in his choice of women, Solomon said, "I perceived among the youths, A young man devoid of understanding."
Not all youths are foolish, but youths generally lack the mature judgment needed to make a wise marriage choice. Wisdom and good judgment come with age.
A choice of a marriage companion requires mature judgment.
Choosing a marriage companion is too serious to be made by immature people. The problem is that teenagers often tend to think they are much more mature than they are!
The divorce rate for people who marry in their teens is much higher than for people who marry in their twenties. Even people who marry in their early twenties are twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 24-25 (Focus on the Family, 11/1992, p. 2).
Again, someone says, "I know people who got married in their late or even middle teens and had good marriages." Yes, but they will advise their children not to do it! And in most cases these were people who married years ago in a different age and different society when divorce was not easy like today. Often they worked things out, because breaking up marriage was frowned on by society and their family.
Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. If you follow the Bible, you will live the rest of your life with the person you choose. It is a choice you cannot change. It requires a mature decision. And maturity requires experience. And experience takes time.
Young people need experience with life and people before they make a choice.
Often young people are not settled regarding what they want in a spouse.
Observe older couples who have good marriages that have stood the test of time, and see what kind of person you want to marry. Consider people whose marriages have failed and learn what kind of person you don't want to marry.
Get to know different kinds of young people, so you know what you're looking for. Visit with others, not just in dating situations, but in groups, get-togethers, and family situations.
Our society encourages exclusiveness and intimacy early in relationships. Even young teenagers "go steady" - restrict dating to just one person. I urge parents and young people to resist that approach. We taught our kids they could not date at all till 16, and then only in groups or double-dating. They could not single date till 18 and then only if we approved of the person.
Usually (though not always), people will have several relationships in various degrees of seriousness before they find one with whom to have a good marriage. I sometimes say I have never known anyone who found a good mate without first having their heart broken at least once.
You need to experience life's problems as well as its joys. If your parents are true Christians, chances are they have sheltered you from some of life's problems. That is a good thing. But it means you will need to be older before you are ready to make serious decisions like marriage.
Proverbs 20:25 - It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, and afterward to reconsider his vows. I can think of no area where this applies more than in marriage. Marriage is based on sacred vows. Entering those vows rashly and hastily generally leads to a snare. But after you are married, it is too late to reconsider your vows.
"Marry in haste, and repent in leisure." Studies confirm the wisdom of this. You will live with this person all the rest of your life, so why rush into it? Don't jump into exclusive relationships. And above all, don't jump into marriage. Take your time and make wise decisions.
If in doubt, wait! What do you have to lose by waiting, even another year or two? By taking your time to make sure of your choice, you have everything to gain and very little to lose.
Proverbs 7:7 - Describing a young man who lacked wisdom in his choice of women, Solomon said, "I perceived among the youths, A young man devoid of understanding."
Not all youths are foolish, but youths generally lack the mature judgment needed to make a wise marriage choice. Wisdom and good judgment come with age.
A choice of a marriage companion requires mature judgment.
Choosing a marriage companion is too serious to be made by immature people. The problem is that teenagers often tend to think they are much more mature than they are!
The divorce rate for people who marry in their teens is much higher than for people who marry in their twenties. Even people who marry in their early twenties are twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 24-25 (Focus on the Family, 11/1992, p. 2).
Again, someone says, "I know people who got married in their late or even middle teens and had good marriages." Yes, but they will advise their children not to do it! And in most cases these were people who married years ago in a different age and different society when divorce was not easy like today. Often they worked things out, because breaking up marriage was frowned on by society and their family.
Marriage is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. If you follow the Bible, you will live the rest of your life with the person you choose. It is a choice you cannot change. It requires a mature decision. And maturity requires experience. And experience takes time.
Young people need experience with life and people before they make a choice.
Often young people are not settled regarding what they want in a spouse.
Observe older couples who have good marriages that have stood the test of time, and see what kind of person you want to marry. Consider people whose marriages have failed and learn what kind of person you don't want to marry.
Get to know different kinds of young people, so you know what you're looking for. Visit with others, not just in dating situations, but in groups, get-togethers, and family situations.
Our society encourages exclusiveness and intimacy early in relationships. Even young teenagers "go steady" - restrict dating to just one person. I urge parents and young people to resist that approach. We taught our kids they could not date at all till 16, and then only in groups or double-dating. They could not single date till 18 and then only if we approved of the person.
Usually (though not always), people will have several relationships in various degrees of seriousness before they find one with whom to have a good marriage. I sometimes say I have never known anyone who found a good mate without first having their heart broken at least once.
You need to experience life's problems as well as its joys. If your parents are true Christians, chances are they have sheltered you from some of life's problems. That is a good thing. But it means you will need to be older before you are ready to make serious decisions like marriage.
Proverbs 20:25 - It is a snare for a man to devote rashly something as holy, and afterward to reconsider his vows. I can think of no area where this applies more than in marriage. Marriage is based on sacred vows. Entering those vows rashly and hastily generally leads to a snare. But after you are married, it is too late to reconsider your vows.
"Marry in haste, and repent in leisure." Studies confirm the wisdom of this. You will live with this person all the rest of your life, so why rush into it? Don't jump into exclusive relationships. And above all, don't jump into marriage. Take your time and make wise decisions.
If in doubt, wait! What do you have to lose by waiting, even another year or two? By taking your time to make sure of your choice, you have everything to gain and very little to lose.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
B. Know One Another Very Well Before Committing to Marriage.
In order to choose a companion based on character, it follows that you must know a person's character and know it well in order to judge wisely.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 - Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. Marriage is a commitment before God. Do not enter it rashly.
Consider some specific applications.
Generally, you should know one another a long time.
We repeatedly taught our children to know a person for at least two years before they marry them - longer, if there was any significant questions about the person's character or spirituality.
But the issue is not how long you know one another so much as how well you know one another.
In some circumstances people get to know one another more quickly than otherwise.
Someone says, "I know couples who got married a month after they met, and they had a good marriage." Yes, and I have heard of people who jumped out of airplanes without a good parachute and survived, but I still don't recommend it! And people who get married after a short courtship will not recommend it to their children! They ran a great risk but were fortunate. For every such person, there are many who marry after a short acquaintance and live to regret it.
One of our daughters met a young man at college, and a few months later they asked for our blessing on their wedding plans. But we did not know him and our first impressions were unfavorable. So, we stalled ... and stalled ... and stalled to get to know him better. After enough time passed, the young man revealed his true character, and our daughter broke off the relationship.
Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Hasty commitment to marriage is absolutely foolish.
If you do not know a person well - well enough to put your life and even your eternal destiny on the outcome - then you are not ready to get married.
Talk about issues of importance in marriage.
Ask the other person their views about marriage, children, and especially about spiritual matters. Express your views and get their reaction. Study the Bible together. Learn your areas of agreement and disagreement.
And learn to work out your differences. Do not ignore your disagreements. Many people think their problems will just work out after marriage. How do you know? Usually they get worse! Discuss them now and see how well you are able to work out problems. Every marriage has problems. If you can't work out problems, you cannot succeed in marriage.
If you and your friend have not thoroughly discussed what you expect from marriage - and if you have not demonstrated your ability to resolve differences - you are not ready to marry.
Spend time together under many different circumstances.
Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
"Talk is cheap." Don't base your decision just on talk. Get to know a person's heart.
The young man our daughter almost married said all the right things. But somehow his actions never seemed to accomplish his big plans.
Typical dating situations hide flaws. Couples put on their best behavior and best appearance to attract the other person. Friends and family may not tell you what they know about the person's shortcomings. After marriage is when all the character flaws become obvious - but it's too late. You need to know his or her character before marriage.
Karen and I often warn people about the danger of making a serious commitment when you've seen a person primarily in one setting, such as in the artificial environment of college, especially one like Florida College. Wait till you leave and see how your relationship survives.
Spend time together in various situations. Spend time with your family and friends. See how he treats his family and friends and how well he gets along with your family and friends. Go places where they like to go and places where you like to go. Observe how they react under circumstances of stress, when they are not getting their way. Observe one another in the real world.
Consider a person's reputation and the judgment of godly family and friends.
Proverbs 15:22 - Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
Boaz knew Ruth was a godly woman, because she had that reputation throughout the whole city. Sometimes a person's reputation - good or bad - is not deserved. But before you marry someone whose reputation is not good, make sure you know why they have that reputation.
Get to know well the family and friends of your potential spouse. Seek the honest evaluation of people who know the other person well and whose godly wisdom you trust.
The young man our daughter almost married was planning to preach. A preacher who knew them both well wrote a "letter of recommendation" to churches about him. About the only really good thing the letter said about the young man was that he wanted to marry a really outstanding young woman! The red flag was waving!
The opinions of others should not be final, but consider them carefully.
Ecclesiastes 5:2 - Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. Marriage is a commitment before God. Do not enter it rashly.
Consider some specific applications.
Generally, you should know one another a long time.
We repeatedly taught our children to know a person for at least two years before they marry them - longer, if there was any significant questions about the person's character or spirituality.
But the issue is not how long you know one another so much as how well you know one another.
In some circumstances people get to know one another more quickly than otherwise.
Someone says, "I know couples who got married a month after they met, and they had a good marriage." Yes, and I have heard of people who jumped out of airplanes without a good parachute and survived, but I still don't recommend it! And people who get married after a short courtship will not recommend it to their children! They ran a great risk but were fortunate. For every such person, there are many who marry after a short acquaintance and live to regret it.
One of our daughters met a young man at college, and a few months later they asked for our blessing on their wedding plans. But we did not know him and our first impressions were unfavorable. So, we stalled ... and stalled ... and stalled to get to know him better. After enough time passed, the young man revealed his true character, and our daughter broke off the relationship.
Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Hasty commitment to marriage is absolutely foolish.
If you do not know a person well - well enough to put your life and even your eternal destiny on the outcome - then you are not ready to get married.
Talk about issues of importance in marriage.
Ask the other person their views about marriage, children, and especially about spiritual matters. Express your views and get their reaction. Study the Bible together. Learn your areas of agreement and disagreement.
And learn to work out your differences. Do not ignore your disagreements. Many people think their problems will just work out after marriage. How do you know? Usually they get worse! Discuss them now and see how well you are able to work out problems. Every marriage has problems. If you can't work out problems, you cannot succeed in marriage.
If you and your friend have not thoroughly discussed what you expect from marriage - and if you have not demonstrated your ability to resolve differences - you are not ready to marry.
Spend time together under many different circumstances.
Proverbs 23:7 - For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.
"Talk is cheap." Don't base your decision just on talk. Get to know a person's heart.
The young man our daughter almost married said all the right things. But somehow his actions never seemed to accomplish his big plans.
Typical dating situations hide flaws. Couples put on their best behavior and best appearance to attract the other person. Friends and family may not tell you what they know about the person's shortcomings. After marriage is when all the character flaws become obvious - but it's too late. You need to know his or her character before marriage.
Karen and I often warn people about the danger of making a serious commitment when you've seen a person primarily in one setting, such as in the artificial environment of college, especially one like Florida College. Wait till you leave and see how your relationship survives.
Spend time together in various situations. Spend time with your family and friends. See how he treats his family and friends and how well he gets along with your family and friends. Go places where they like to go and places where you like to go. Observe how they react under circumstances of stress, when they are not getting their way. Observe one another in the real world.
Consider a person's reputation and the judgment of godly family and friends.
Proverbs 15:22 - Without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
Boaz knew Ruth was a godly woman, because she had that reputation throughout the whole city. Sometimes a person's reputation - good or bad - is not deserved. But before you marry someone whose reputation is not good, make sure you know why they have that reputation.
Get to know well the family and friends of your potential spouse. Seek the honest evaluation of people who know the other person well and whose godly wisdom you trust.
The young man our daughter almost married was planning to preach. A preacher who knew them both well wrote a "letter of recommendation" to churches about him. About the only really good thing the letter said about the young man was that he wanted to marry a really outstanding young woman! The red flag was waving!
The opinions of others should not be final, but consider them carefully.
Monday, December 22, 2008
IV. Maturity and Knowing One Another
Why should a couple both be mature before marrying? How important is it to know one another well? Should we choose a companion on the basis of character or feelings and emotions?
Proverbs 5:1,2 - In advising his son about relationships with women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve discretion.
In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable judgment - not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it to be good wisdom.
A. Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.
Bible teaching
The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of marriage companions
Genesis 24 - Abraham's servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple never met till their wedding. And the specific choice was arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot be done today. But Abraham insisted that the bride come from his family so he knew her background, not from the wicked people of the land. And the decision was made by a man of wise judgment who entreated the blessing of God.
Genesis 29 - Jacob also went back to his mother's family to find a companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived with her family for a month (v14). And the agreement was that he would still not marry her till seven years later.
Ruth 2 - Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman (3:11).
But the Bible describes at length the character of godly wives and husbands.
The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to be chosen. Many Scriptures tell the kind of person a man or woman must be in order to have a godly marriage.
Proverbs 31:10-31 - A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man should seek to find.
Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We will study these at length.
I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a person before you marry them.
You should love your spouse, but we will see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion. Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.
We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed. Before you marry you need to know - not just assume or even suspect - that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications
The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to "just let your heart decide." Couples who have seriously different backgrounds meet, "fall in love," get married, and live happily ever after. Girls meet guys with immoral backgrounds and decide to reform them. This puts stars in the eyes of romantic, idealistic young women. But it is foolish and incredibly dangerous.
Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.
A popular song years ago talked about a couple who met and married in the heat of passion, but they've been talking about divorce "ever since the fire went out."
Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all people, even those who have a good marriage. If you marry because a person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.
Character should remain constant. Feelings come and go. Base your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.
Proverbs 5:1,2 - In advising his son about relationships with women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve discretion.
In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable judgment - not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it to be good wisdom.
A. Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.
Bible teaching
The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of marriage companions
Genesis 24 - Abraham's servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple never met till their wedding. And the specific choice was arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot be done today. But Abraham insisted that the bride come from his family so he knew her background, not from the wicked people of the land. And the decision was made by a man of wise judgment who entreated the blessing of God.
Genesis 29 - Jacob also went back to his mother's family to find a companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived with her family for a month (v14). And the agreement was that he would still not marry her till seven years later.
Ruth 2 - Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman (3:11).
But the Bible describes at length the character of godly wives and husbands.
The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to be chosen. Many Scriptures tell the kind of person a man or woman must be in order to have a godly marriage.
Proverbs 31:10-31 - A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man should seek to find.
Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We will study these at length.
I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a person before you marry them.
You should love your spouse, but we will see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion. Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.
We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed. Before you marry you need to know - not just assume or even suspect - that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications
The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to "just let your heart decide." Couples who have seriously different backgrounds meet, "fall in love," get married, and live happily ever after. Girls meet guys with immoral backgrounds and decide to reform them. This puts stars in the eyes of romantic, idealistic young women. But it is foolish and incredibly dangerous.
Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.
A popular song years ago talked about a couple who met and married in the heat of passion, but they've been talking about divorce "ever since the fire went out."
Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all people, even those who have a good marriage. If you marry because a person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.
Character should remain constant. Feelings come and go. Base your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
III. The Permanence of Marriage
What does the Bible teach about the permanence of marriage? When may one divorce, and remarry? How importance is a lifetime commitment, "till death do us part"?
Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially children emotionally scarred for life. Often there are also severe financial consequences, especially for the wife and children. Above all, divorce always involves someone in disobedience to God.
A. Bible Teaching
Genesis 2:24 - From the beginning, God intended marriage to involve one man and one woman who cleave (be joined - NKJV) to one another and become one. God never intended for the union to be put asunder so another mate can be taken.
Malachi 2:14,16 - God hates divorce.
Romans 7:2,3 - Marriage is for life. A person who is bound in marriage to a spouse cannot have another companion as long as their first companion lives.
Matthew 19:3-9 (5:31,32) - What God has joined together, man must not put asunder. The only exception God allows, in which one may divorce a companion, is for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for any other reason, the divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits adultery. And whoever marries the one whom he put away commits adultery.
B. Applications
Never enter a Scripturally doubtful marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 - The only Scriptural alternatives for one who has improperly divorced are to remain unmarried or be reconciled to their Scriptural spouse.
A divorced person should never remarry unless they are certain that they divorced their spouse because that spouse committed fornication. Before you remarry, search your soul and the facts of your case. Make sure your spouse was guilty of fornication and that was the reason why you divorced them.
Never marry a divorced person unless you are certain they divorced their companion for Scriptural grounds. Have long talks and careful studies about the Bible teaching early in your relationship, before you develop strong emotions. Don't just take their word for it. Many divorced people deceive themselves or others in order to remarry. Talk to others who know the facts. Take the safe course and don't run risks with your soul. You may decide the risk is just not worth it.
When a divorced person remarries, his or her soul hangs in the balance, and so does the soul of the person he marries. If you really love someone, you will not endanger their soul or yours.
Enter marriage with a mutual determination to stay together for life.
Too many people enter marriage like they are buying a car: "I'll try this one, and if I get a lemon I'll just trade her in." Some even live together without marriage and call it a "trial marriage." They lack commitment. So when problems arise, as they do in all relationships, instead of making a determined effort to work the problems out, they just end the marriage.
A "trial marriage" is not a marriage at all, because it does not involve a lifetime commitment.
You can walk out at anytime. That tells you nothing about marriage, because marriage involves commitment. That's why people, who do marry after living together, are more likely to divorce than those who do not live together. They think they have learned how to work together in marriage, but they haven't. They don't understand commitment.
Couples, who enter marriage with a true lifetime commitment, will still face problems. But they will work together to solve the problems, because they have no choice. Divorce is not an option.
They must live together, so they need to work things out.
Furthermore, people who lack this commitment will not find their relationship ultimately satisfying. The beauty of marriage lies in knowing that you and one person value one another above all other people on earth, to the point that you are willing to commit yourselves to one another for life, no matter what the future holds. Only when you have that commitment will you find that, throughout life and even into old age, your marriage is truly satisfying.
The commitment of marriage is: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." That is not just tradition. It is not just a piece of paper. It is Bible principle ordained by Almighty God. Anything less fails to honor God or your spouse.
Young couples who are considering marriage need to have long, serious talks and Bible studies about the commitment of marriage. And they should never marry unless they are certain that they are both committed to stay married and be true to one another for life.
Divorce is a terrible tragedy leaving husbands, wives, and especially children emotionally scarred for life. Often there are also severe financial consequences, especially for the wife and children. Above all, divorce always involves someone in disobedience to God.
A. Bible Teaching
Genesis 2:24 - From the beginning, God intended marriage to involve one man and one woman who cleave (be joined - NKJV) to one another and become one. God never intended for the union to be put asunder so another mate can be taken.
Malachi 2:14,16 - God hates divorce.
Romans 7:2,3 - Marriage is for life. A person who is bound in marriage to a spouse cannot have another companion as long as their first companion lives.
Matthew 19:3-9 (5:31,32) - What God has joined together, man must not put asunder. The only exception God allows, in which one may divorce a companion, is for the cause of fornication. If one divorces for any other reason, the divorce is a sin. And when he remarries he commits adultery. And whoever marries the one whom he put away commits adultery.
B. Applications
Never enter a Scripturally doubtful marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:10,11 - The only Scriptural alternatives for one who has improperly divorced are to remain unmarried or be reconciled to their Scriptural spouse.
A divorced person should never remarry unless they are certain that they divorced their spouse because that spouse committed fornication. Before you remarry, search your soul and the facts of your case. Make sure your spouse was guilty of fornication and that was the reason why you divorced them.
Never marry a divorced person unless you are certain they divorced their companion for Scriptural grounds. Have long talks and careful studies about the Bible teaching early in your relationship, before you develop strong emotions. Don't just take their word for it. Many divorced people deceive themselves or others in order to remarry. Talk to others who know the facts. Take the safe course and don't run risks with your soul. You may decide the risk is just not worth it.
When a divorced person remarries, his or her soul hangs in the balance, and so does the soul of the person he marries. If you really love someone, you will not endanger their soul or yours.
Enter marriage with a mutual determination to stay together for life.
Too many people enter marriage like they are buying a car: "I'll try this one, and if I get a lemon I'll just trade her in." Some even live together without marriage and call it a "trial marriage." They lack commitment. So when problems arise, as they do in all relationships, instead of making a determined effort to work the problems out, they just end the marriage.
A "trial marriage" is not a marriage at all, because it does not involve a lifetime commitment.
You can walk out at anytime. That tells you nothing about marriage, because marriage involves commitment. That's why people, who do marry after living together, are more likely to divorce than those who do not live together. They think they have learned how to work together in marriage, but they haven't. They don't understand commitment.
Couples, who enter marriage with a true lifetime commitment, will still face problems. But they will work together to solve the problems, because they have no choice. Divorce is not an option.
They must live together, so they need to work things out.
Furthermore, people who lack this commitment will not find their relationship ultimately satisfying. The beauty of marriage lies in knowing that you and one person value one another above all other people on earth, to the point that you are willing to commit yourselves to one another for life, no matter what the future holds. Only when you have that commitment will you find that, throughout life and even into old age, your marriage is truly satisfying.
The commitment of marriage is: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." That is not just tradition. It is not just a piece of paper. It is Bible principle ordained by Almighty God. Anything less fails to honor God or your spouse.
Young couples who are considering marriage need to have long, serious talks and Bible studies about the commitment of marriage. And they should never marry unless they are certain that they are both committed to stay married and be true to one another for life.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
II. The Purpose of Marriage
What are proper reasons why one should choose to marry? How important are love, companionship, sexual affection, and raising children? What are improper reasons why some people marry?
If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more likely to accomplish those goals and to choose a mate with whom we can accomplish them. If we do not understand those goals, we are almost sure to fail to achieve what marriage is about.
A. The Main Goal of Marriage Is To Help One Another Serve God.
We have already discussed this under "Religion." However, there are also other legitimate reasons for marrying.
B. Marriage Is for Companionship and Love.
Genesis 2:18,21,22 - Woman was created because it was not good for man to be alone and because animals were not suitable companions for him. So God created woman to be a companion and helper to man. [Proverbs 18:22; 19:14]
Malachi 2:14 - The wife is a companion with whom the man has entered into the marriage covenant. [Proverbs 2:17]
Ephesians 5:25-29; Titus 2:4 - Husband and wife are both instructed to love one another.
When man and wife are proper companions loving one another as the Bible teaches, they fulfill one of the strongest desires and greatest needs people have. No one should ever marry until they are ready to love and care for their spouse at least as great as they care for themselves. However, this requires understanding what love really is. We will discuss this later in depth.
C. Marriage Is To Bear and Raise Children.
Genesis 1:27,28 - God told the first man and woman to reproduce and replenish the earth.
Psalms 127:3-5; 128:1-6 - Children should be appreciated as a gift from God.
Malachi 2:15 - God makes man and woman one, because He seeks godly offspring.
Ephesians 6:4 - Parents have a duty, in the family, to raise and train the children they bring into the world [Genesis 3:16].
No institution or arrangement, other than the family, can produce the same benefits for children. This is one reason why it is immoral to bear children out of wedlock or to refuse to care for them after we have given them birth. If children can be raised acceptably by child-care arrangements or government facilities, why did God insist that they be raised in a family?
One of life's greatest fulfillments is the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing you have brought into this world and brought up children who honor God and are a blessing to people around them. Young couples should not marry unless they are both willing to make the sacrifices and put forth the effort to do the very best they can to achieve this goal.
D. Marriage Is to Express Sexual Affection.
Hebrews 13:4 - The sexual union is holy and pure only within marriage.
Proverbs 5:15-20 - Man should find fulfillment for his desires only in his lawful wife.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,8,9 - Husband and wife should express sexual affection, not tempting their companion by "defrauding" them. Satisfying this desire is one legitimate reason for getting married.
Note that the sexual union is not just for procreation. It is a basic urge created by God. It is pure and holy, but it can properly be fulfilled only within the God-ordained institution of marriage.
Hence, it becomes a natural expression of the love and companionship of marriage.
Most people marry for a combination of the above reasons. When we understand the proper reasons for marriage, we also understand why it is a mistake for people to marry for other reasons, such as:
* To attain wealth, influence, popularity, or social status
* To escape serious problems in their previous home life
* Because all ones friends are getting married
* Just so you can feel like somebody wanted you - some people have felt unloved and rejected or inferior all their lives, so they just want to feel like somebody wants them.
* Because we are "on the rebound" from a broken relationship
* Because we want someone to provide for us or to keep house for us, etc.
* Because our family or friends think we make a good couple
When people enter marriage for these improper reasons, they usually find their marriage dissatisfies them, their companions, and especially God.
If we understand the proper purposes for marriage, we are far more likely to accomplish those goals and to choose a mate with whom we can accomplish them. If we do not understand those goals, we are almost sure to fail to achieve what marriage is about.
A. The Main Goal of Marriage Is To Help One Another Serve God.
We have already discussed this under "Religion." However, there are also other legitimate reasons for marrying.
B. Marriage Is for Companionship and Love.
Genesis 2:18,21,22 - Woman was created because it was not good for man to be alone and because animals were not suitable companions for him. So God created woman to be a companion and helper to man. [Proverbs 18:22; 19:14]
Malachi 2:14 - The wife is a companion with whom the man has entered into the marriage covenant. [Proverbs 2:17]
Ephesians 5:25-29; Titus 2:4 - Husband and wife are both instructed to love one another.
When man and wife are proper companions loving one another as the Bible teaches, they fulfill one of the strongest desires and greatest needs people have. No one should ever marry until they are ready to love and care for their spouse at least as great as they care for themselves. However, this requires understanding what love really is. We will discuss this later in depth.
C. Marriage Is To Bear and Raise Children.
Genesis 1:27,28 - God told the first man and woman to reproduce and replenish the earth.
Psalms 127:3-5; 128:1-6 - Children should be appreciated as a gift from God.
Malachi 2:15 - God makes man and woman one, because He seeks godly offspring.
Ephesians 6:4 - Parents have a duty, in the family, to raise and train the children they bring into the world [Genesis 3:16].
No institution or arrangement, other than the family, can produce the same benefits for children. This is one reason why it is immoral to bear children out of wedlock or to refuse to care for them after we have given them birth. If children can be raised acceptably by child-care arrangements or government facilities, why did God insist that they be raised in a family?
One of life's greatest fulfillments is the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing you have brought into this world and brought up children who honor God and are a blessing to people around them. Young couples should not marry unless they are both willing to make the sacrifices and put forth the effort to do the very best they can to achieve this goal.
D. Marriage Is to Express Sexual Affection.
Hebrews 13:4 - The sexual union is holy and pure only within marriage.
Proverbs 5:15-20 - Man should find fulfillment for his desires only in his lawful wife.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,8,9 - Husband and wife should express sexual affection, not tempting their companion by "defrauding" them. Satisfying this desire is one legitimate reason for getting married.
Note that the sexual union is not just for procreation. It is a basic urge created by God. It is pure and holy, but it can properly be fulfilled only within the God-ordained institution of marriage.
Hence, it becomes a natural expression of the love and companionship of marriage.
Most people marry for a combination of the above reasons. When we understand the proper reasons for marriage, we also understand why it is a mistake for people to marry for other reasons, such as:
* To attain wealth, influence, popularity, or social status
* To escape serious problems in their previous home life
* Because all ones friends are getting married
* Just so you can feel like somebody wanted you - some people have felt unloved and rejected or inferior all their lives, so they just want to feel like somebody wants them.
* Because we are "on the rebound" from a broken relationship
* Because we want someone to provide for us or to keep house for us, etc.
* Because our family or friends think we make a good couple
When people enter marriage for these improper reasons, they usually find their marriage dissatisfies them, their companions, and especially God.
Friday, December 19, 2008
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your relations with friends and in-laws.
1 Corinthians 15:33 - Evil companions corrupt our morals. When you marry, you inherit your companion's family and friends. If you marry a faithful Christian, he will want to associate with Christians and good moral people.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, his closest friends will not be Christians. And what about in-laws? Will your in-laws oppose your religious beliefs? How well you will get along with them, and how well will he get along with your family and friends?
You need to consider these questions seriously before marriage.
[Proverbs 13:20; 29:27]
A Christian will work with you, not against you, in raising your children.
Nearly all the concerns we have already discussed become magnified when the children come along. Each spouse wants the children raised in agreement with his or her views.
Ephesians 6:4; Genesis 18:19; Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 22:6 - Christians will agree to train the children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." They will work together in regular Bible study and bringing the children to all the assemblies of the church (Hebrews 10:25).
But if you do not marry a Christian, your companion may discourage your children from studying the Bible, attending services, or becoming Christians. He or she may even insist that the children go with him to attend a false church or allow them to attend recreational or social activities instead of church meetings.
Proverbs 13:24 - Parents who are Christians have a standard for agreeing what moral principles they will teach their children. They will agree to chastise the children, firmly and consistently yet lovingly, to motivate them to obey (Heb. 12:5-11).
But if your companion is not a Christian, what will you do if he or she allows the children to drink, smoke, dress immodestly, use profanity, attend dances, go to wild parties, run with a bad crowd, or even share a bedroom with a friend of the opposite sex? What will you do if he refuses to punish the children when they need it, or if he opposes your efforts to discipline the children?
Nehemiah 13:23,24 - When Israelites married people of other nations and religions, their children were influenced by heathen parents. So your children will be influenced by your non-Christian spouse.
Raising children is difficult enough, even when the parents work together. How will you feel if one of your children is eternally lost because you chose to marry a non-Christian?
A Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to achieve your most important goal: serving God and receiving eternal life.
Matthew 6:33 - We already learned that helping one another serve God should be the most important goal of our marriage. If you marry a Christian, he or she will share with you this major goal. But if you marry someone who is not a Christian, then he or she will not share with you the most important area of your life.
Revelation 20:14,15 - Anyone not found in the Book of Life will be sent into the lake of fire, the second death. Your spouse should be the dearest loved one on earth to you. If he or she is not a Christian, then you face the great likelihood that your dearest loved one will be lost eternally! Will you be able to live with that fact without compromising the truth to please them?
Nehemiah 13:26,27 - The Old Testament forbade marriage to people of other nations, because it would lead God's people into sin. Solomon was an example of one to whom this happened (Deut. 7:3,4). We do not live under the Old Testament, but the danger still exists.
You and your potential spouse need to thoroughly discuss all such concerns early in your relationship. If your companion promises he/she will change, give them plenty of time to prove they are willing to change before making any commitment about marriage. And give it long enough you are convinced the change for keeps.
If your marriage is to be happy and successful, you will need to go through life working with another faithful Christian.
[Matthew 16:24-27; Romans 12:1,2; John 6:27,63; Luke 12:15-21; 14:26; Matt. 10:34-37].
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, his closest friends will not be Christians. And what about in-laws? Will your in-laws oppose your religious beliefs? How well you will get along with them, and how well will he get along with your family and friends?
You need to consider these questions seriously before marriage.
[Proverbs 13:20; 29:27]
A Christian will work with you, not against you, in raising your children.
Nearly all the concerns we have already discussed become magnified when the children come along. Each spouse wants the children raised in agreement with his or her views.
Ephesians 6:4; Genesis 18:19; Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 22:6 - Christians will agree to train the children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." They will work together in regular Bible study and bringing the children to all the assemblies of the church (Hebrews 10:25).
But if you do not marry a Christian, your companion may discourage your children from studying the Bible, attending services, or becoming Christians. He or she may even insist that the children go with him to attend a false church or allow them to attend recreational or social activities instead of church meetings.
Proverbs 13:24 - Parents who are Christians have a standard for agreeing what moral principles they will teach their children. They will agree to chastise the children, firmly and consistently yet lovingly, to motivate them to obey (Heb. 12:5-11).
But if your companion is not a Christian, what will you do if he or she allows the children to drink, smoke, dress immodestly, use profanity, attend dances, go to wild parties, run with a bad crowd, or even share a bedroom with a friend of the opposite sex? What will you do if he refuses to punish the children when they need it, or if he opposes your efforts to discipline the children?
Nehemiah 13:23,24 - When Israelites married people of other nations and religions, their children were influenced by heathen parents. So your children will be influenced by your non-Christian spouse.
Raising children is difficult enough, even when the parents work together. How will you feel if one of your children is eternally lost because you chose to marry a non-Christian?
A Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to achieve your most important goal: serving God and receiving eternal life.
Matthew 6:33 - We already learned that helping one another serve God should be the most important goal of our marriage. If you marry a Christian, he or she will share with you this major goal. But if you marry someone who is not a Christian, then he or she will not share with you the most important area of your life.
Revelation 20:14,15 - Anyone not found in the Book of Life will be sent into the lake of fire, the second death. Your spouse should be the dearest loved one on earth to you. If he or she is not a Christian, then you face the great likelihood that your dearest loved one will be lost eternally! Will you be able to live with that fact without compromising the truth to please them?
Nehemiah 13:26,27 - The Old Testament forbade marriage to people of other nations, because it would lead God's people into sin. Solomon was an example of one to whom this happened (Deut. 7:3,4). We do not live under the Old Testament, but the danger still exists.
You and your potential spouse need to thoroughly discuss all such concerns early in your relationship. If your companion promises he/she will change, give them plenty of time to prove they are willing to change before making any commitment about marriage. And give it long enough you are convinced the change for keeps.
If your marriage is to be happy and successful, you will need to go through life working with another faithful Christian.
[Matthew 16:24-27; Romans 12:1,2; John 6:27,63; Luke 12:15-21; 14:26; Matt. 10:34-37].
Friday, December 12, 2008
E. The Importance of Common Faith in the Home
Genesis 2:18 - One of the most important purposes of marriage is companionship: sharing common goals and interests. Failure to share a common religious faith is one of the major grounds for conflict in marriage.
A Christian should marry a faithful Christian for all the following reasons:
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your worship to God.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - We already learned that families should worship God together, especially attending public worship assemblies. When both companions are Christians, they commune together in song, prayer, the Lord's Supper, etc. They will agree about the need to give generously to support the church.
But if you do not marry a Christian, your spouse may not attend with you. Worse yet, he or she may attend a false religious group. He may actively oppose your attendance with the Lord's church. He may resent and oppose giving money to church.
Proverbs 15:8,29 - Even if your companion does not actively oppose your worship, you still lack the unity and support you need. God will not accept his worship as long as he remains outside Christ. [1 Corinthians 10:16,17]
A faithful Christian will pray with you, not hinder your prayers.
We have learned that Christians should pray to God together and pray for one another (James 5:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:17).
1 John 3:22 - But if your companion is not a Christian, God will not hear or answer his prayer (Proverbs 28:9; James 5:16). He may even ridicule you for your prayers. If a young lady marries a young man who is not a Christian, who will lead family prayers before meals and other times when Christians would pray together?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your Bible study.
We have also learned that Christian couples should discuss and study Bible principles together and encourage one another with God's word (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
But a companion who is not a Christian may not be willing to study. If you initiate a spiritual discussion, the result may be argument and conflict. In all these aspects of worship, instead of being a source of strength, your companion will become a hindrance and discouragement.
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to teach God's word.
Acts 8:4 - Christians should share the message of the gospel with others [Hebrews 5:12]. This too is something we can help one another do in our homes (Acts 10:24,27,33).
Acts 18:26 - Like Aquila and Priscilla, Christian couples work together in this, inviting friends over to discuss religion and study the Bible. They can talk together and share ideas to improve their teaching.
But if your companion is not a Christian, he may oppose your efforts to teach. He may object if you invite others to your home to study, and may resent the time you spend in teaching. He may openly contradict the truth, and will surely hinder your teaching by his example.
A faithful Christian will obey and help you obey Bible teaching about marriage.
We have learned that truly good marriages must be based on Bible principles. Most marital unhappiness comes because people do not follow the Bible principles about marriage.
We will learn more of these principles as we proceed: husbands should love and provide for their wives, wives should submit to their husbands and be homemakers, etc.
If you marry a Christian, you have a right to expect him or her to obey the Bible. But you would have no reason from the very outset to expect a non-Christian to obey God's word. If he or she does not obey God's plan for marriage, how will you motivate him to do right?
A faithful Christian will encourage, not discourage, proper morality.
2 Timothy 3:16,17; Psalm 119:105 - Christian couples have a common standard by which to determine their moral beliefs and practices.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, he may have (or may develop) habits you object to: drinking liquor, smoking, profanity, dirty jokes, gambling, dirty TV shows, suggestive clothing, even pornography or drug abuse.
What if he/she spends family funds on things you consider to be immoral? What if he/she is dishonest in business dealings or refuses to pay family debts? What if he wants to donate funds to causes that you oppose?
How can you appeal to him, if you knew all along that he was not living by the Bible?
A Christian should marry a faithful Christian for all the following reasons:
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your worship to God.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - We already learned that families should worship God together, especially attending public worship assemblies. When both companions are Christians, they commune together in song, prayer, the Lord's Supper, etc. They will agree about the need to give generously to support the church.
But if you do not marry a Christian, your spouse may not attend with you. Worse yet, he or she may attend a false religious group. He may actively oppose your attendance with the Lord's church. He may resent and oppose giving money to church.
Proverbs 15:8,29 - Even if your companion does not actively oppose your worship, you still lack the unity and support you need. God will not accept his worship as long as he remains outside Christ. [1 Corinthians 10:16,17]
A faithful Christian will pray with you, not hinder your prayers.
We have learned that Christians should pray to God together and pray for one another (James 5:16; 1 Thessalonians 5:17).
1 John 3:22 - But if your companion is not a Christian, God will not hear or answer his prayer (Proverbs 28:9; James 5:16). He may even ridicule you for your prayers. If a young lady marries a young man who is not a Christian, who will lead family prayers before meals and other times when Christians would pray together?
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your Bible study.
We have also learned that Christian couples should discuss and study Bible principles together and encourage one another with God's word (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
But a companion who is not a Christian may not be willing to study. If you initiate a spiritual discussion, the result may be argument and conflict. In all these aspects of worship, instead of being a source of strength, your companion will become a hindrance and discouragement.
A faithful Christian will help, not hinder, your efforts to teach God's word.
Acts 8:4 - Christians should share the message of the gospel with others [Hebrews 5:12]. This too is something we can help one another do in our homes (Acts 10:24,27,33).
Acts 18:26 - Like Aquila and Priscilla, Christian couples work together in this, inviting friends over to discuss religion and study the Bible. They can talk together and share ideas to improve their teaching.
But if your companion is not a Christian, he may oppose your efforts to teach. He may object if you invite others to your home to study, and may resent the time you spend in teaching. He may openly contradict the truth, and will surely hinder your teaching by his example.
A faithful Christian will obey and help you obey Bible teaching about marriage.
We have learned that truly good marriages must be based on Bible principles. Most marital unhappiness comes because people do not follow the Bible principles about marriage.
We will learn more of these principles as we proceed: husbands should love and provide for their wives, wives should submit to their husbands and be homemakers, etc.
If you marry a Christian, you have a right to expect him or her to obey the Bible. But you would have no reason from the very outset to expect a non-Christian to obey God's word. If he or she does not obey God's plan for marriage, how will you motivate him to do right?
A faithful Christian will encourage, not discourage, proper morality.
2 Timothy 3:16,17; Psalm 119:105 - Christian couples have a common standard by which to determine their moral beliefs and practices.
But if you marry one who is not a Christian, he may have (or may develop) habits you object to: drinking liquor, smoking, profanity, dirty jokes, gambling, dirty TV shows, suggestive clothing, even pornography or drug abuse.
What if he/she spends family funds on things you consider to be immoral? What if he/she is dishonest in business dealings or refuses to pay family debts? What if he wants to donate funds to causes that you oppose?
How can you appeal to him, if you knew all along that he was not living by the Bible?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
C. The Importance of Worshiping God and Studying His Word in our Homes
Our families should worship God together.
Genesis 2:18-24 - Man and woman should be companions for one another. If serving God is our most important goal in life, then worship is one important area which we should share.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua determined that he and his house would serve the Lord. This is something the whole family together was committed to doing.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - God wants His people to worship Him, including attending church assemblies. If we are to help one another serve Him, then we will do this together.
Young couples, from the very beginning of their relationship, should determine to attend every meeting of the local church and take advantage of other opportunities to worship. If someone is not interested in worshiping God with you, what are the chances that you can work with that person to help one another serve God?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must worship God regularly together.
To be guided by God's word, a family must study it together.
Hebrews 3:13 - Christians should exhort one another daily to stay faithful. But helping one another serve God is the main goal of our homes. We cannot possibly accomplish the most important purpose for our marriage unless we daily study and discuss God's word.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his family to keep God's way.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - We should keep God's words in our hearts, teaching them diligently to our children, talking of them continually.
Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Young couples should begin this practice from beginning of their relationship. Suggest spiritual topics and study them together. This helps you understand one another's beliefs, develops your Bible knowledge, and establishes a spiritual foundation for your relationship. If someone is not comfortable or not interested in studying the Bible with you, what are the chances he/she will work with you to achieve the ultimate goal of serving God and going to heaven?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must learn to discuss God's word.
[1 Thessalonians 5:11; Acts 8:4; 10:24,27,33]
In particular, families need to pray together and pray for one another.
James 5:16 - Praying together is one of the most important things Christians can do to help one another be saved. But remember, helping one another be saved is the main goal of marriage.
James 1:5 - Those who need wisdom should pray for it. This wisdom will come as we study God's word. But don't we need wisdom to have good marriages? Are there things about your marriage that you wish you had the wisdom to improve? Do you want to know whether or not it would be wise to marry some particular young man/woman? If so, then we must diligently pray that we will have wisdom from God's word in our homes. [Heb. 5:14]
Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Don't we often have concerns for our marriage and our family? Do we become anxious or worried about what might happen? Don't we have needs we wish to see fulfilled in our homes? Then let us pray to God about these things.
Genesis 24:12 - Abraham had given a charge to his servant to find a wife for Isaac. The servant went to God in prayer for success. Do you want to be successful in finding a marriage companion or that your children will find a proper marriage companion? If this servant prayed about such a matter, how much more so the parents or the person who seeks a companion?
Again, I urge young couples to begin this practice from the very early days of your relationship. If someone is not comfortable praying with you or does not think prayer is important, will he/she make a good marriage companion?
Every Christian who wants a good marriage should never let a day go by that you don't pray to God for your spouse, your children, and yourself that all of you will serve God faithfully in your home. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must pray to God regularly.
[1 Chronicles 29:19]
Genesis 2:18-24 - Man and woman should be companions for one another. If serving God is our most important goal in life, then worship is one important area which we should share.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua determined that he and his house would serve the Lord. This is something the whole family together was committed to doing.
John 4:23,24; Hebrews 10:24,25 - God wants His people to worship Him, including attending church assemblies. If we are to help one another serve Him, then we will do this together.
Young couples, from the very beginning of their relationship, should determine to attend every meeting of the local church and take advantage of other opportunities to worship. If someone is not interested in worshiping God with you, what are the chances that you can work with that person to help one another serve God?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must worship God regularly together.
To be guided by God's word, a family must study it together.
Hebrews 3:13 - Christians should exhort one another daily to stay faithful. But helping one another serve God is the main goal of our homes. We cannot possibly accomplish the most important purpose for our marriage unless we daily study and discuss God's word.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his family to keep God's way.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - We should keep God's words in our hearts, teaching them diligently to our children, talking of them continually.
Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers train up their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Young couples should begin this practice from beginning of their relationship. Suggest spiritual topics and study them together. This helps you understand one another's beliefs, develops your Bible knowledge, and establishes a spiritual foundation for your relationship. If someone is not comfortable or not interested in studying the Bible with you, what are the chances he/she will work with you to achieve the ultimate goal of serving God and going to heaven?
If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must learn to discuss God's word.
[1 Thessalonians 5:11; Acts 8:4; 10:24,27,33]
In particular, families need to pray together and pray for one another.
James 5:16 - Praying together is one of the most important things Christians can do to help one another be saved. But remember, helping one another be saved is the main goal of marriage.
James 1:5 - Those who need wisdom should pray for it. This wisdom will come as we study God's word. But don't we need wisdom to have good marriages? Are there things about your marriage that you wish you had the wisdom to improve? Do you want to know whether or not it would be wise to marry some particular young man/woman? If so, then we must diligently pray that we will have wisdom from God's word in our homes. [Heb. 5:14]
Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Don't we often have concerns for our marriage and our family? Do we become anxious or worried about what might happen? Don't we have needs we wish to see fulfilled in our homes? Then let us pray to God about these things.
Genesis 24:12 - Abraham had given a charge to his servant to find a wife for Isaac. The servant went to God in prayer for success. Do you want to be successful in finding a marriage companion or that your children will find a proper marriage companion? If this servant prayed about such a matter, how much more so the parents or the person who seeks a companion?
Again, I urge young couples to begin this practice from the very early days of your relationship. If someone is not comfortable praying with you or does not think prayer is important, will he/she make a good marriage companion?
Every Christian who wants a good marriage should never let a day go by that you don't pray to God for your spouse, your children, and yourself that all of you will serve God faithfully in your home. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must pray to God regularly.
[1 Chronicles 29:19]
I. The Role of Religion
How important should religion, faith, worship, and Bible study be in marriage and in choice of a spouse? What authorities or experts should husbands and wives follow? Why should a Christian marry a faithful Christian?
Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:
A. The Authority or Source of Guidance Your Home Follows
Many people are confused about the proper way to conduct their home life. What authority should your home follow?
People often follow human "authorities" to the harm of the home.
Worldly marriage "experts" - psychiatrists, feminists, sex educators, civil government, etc. [1 Corinthians 1:19-21; 2:4,5; Proverbs 14:12]
Practices of society - advice or example of friends, neighbors, etc. [Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians 10:12; Matthew 7:13,14]
Practices of our parents - people tend to act in their families the way people around them acted as they grew up. [Matthew 10:34-37; Acts 5:29]
Personal desires or desires of the family members [Matt 16:24,25; 10:34-37]
We need not ignore all advice these folks give; they are not always mistaken. But they are often wrong, and many of the problems in our homes come from following these authorities.
We need a better standard - a source of higher wisdom. Suppose we had an infallible source of guidance. Shouldn't we follow such a standard, instead of these fallible human standards? If these human guides disagree with our infallible source, shouldn't we reject the human standards and follow the infallible one?
The ultimate source of guidance in your home should be the Bible.
Genesis 2:18-24 - God created marriage and the home from the beginning. Since He created marriage, He knows the best way to conduct it.
1 Thessalonians 2:13 - The Bible is a revelation of the wisdom, not of men, but of God. It works effectively in those who believe.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 - Scriptures are profitable to teach and instruct us and provide us completely to all good works. Doesn't that include the good work of having a good marriage?
Isaiah 55:8,9 - But God's wisdom is superior to that of man, like the heavens are higher than the earth. This is true in every area.
Joshua 1:8 - We have success in our work when we study God's plan and do not depart from it. Many claim to believe this regarding salvation, the church, worship, etc. But do we likewise follow God's plan for our homes?
Psalm 127:1 - Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.
We do not need to have so much confusion and uncertainty about family affairs. The Bible is the word of God, and God is never wrong. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must follow the proper guide.
[2 Peter 1:3; Acts 17:11]
B. The Main Goal for Our Homes
Too many families put too much emphasis on materialistic goals.
Material possessions - Luke 12:15-21; 1 Timothy 6:9,10; 1 John 2:15-17.
Pleasure - 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Hebrews 11:24-26.
Popularity and social standing - John 12:42,43.
Beauty - Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3,4.
Recreation, athletics - 1 Timothy 4:8.
The most important goal our homes should seek to accomplish is to serve God and to help one another receive eternal life.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his house to keep God's ways.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua committed himself and his family to serve God.
Malachi 2:15 - God seeks homes that result in godly offspring.
There are other important goals for our homes, such as love and companionship and raising our children to be good citizens. But even if a family has all these, it is still a failure if it does not accomplish the most important goal. Too often families become so involved in pursuing other less important goals that they neglect responsibilities to God.
In order to have proper home lives, service to God must be our main focal point. Do not marry someone who does not view serving God as their main goal in life.
[Matthew 6:33; Romans 12:1,2; 1 Corinthians 15:58]
Religion is important in the home in all of the following areas:
A. The Authority or Source of Guidance Your Home Follows
Many people are confused about the proper way to conduct their home life. What authority should your home follow?
People often follow human "authorities" to the harm of the home.
Worldly marriage "experts" - psychiatrists, feminists, sex educators, civil government, etc. [1 Corinthians 1:19-21; 2:4,5; Proverbs 14:12]
Practices of society - advice or example of friends, neighbors, etc. [Romans 12:1,2; 2 Corinthians 10:12; Matthew 7:13,14]
Practices of our parents - people tend to act in their families the way people around them acted as they grew up. [Matthew 10:34-37; Acts 5:29]
Personal desires or desires of the family members [Matt 16:24,25; 10:34-37]
We need not ignore all advice these folks give; they are not always mistaken. But they are often wrong, and many of the problems in our homes come from following these authorities.
We need a better standard - a source of higher wisdom. Suppose we had an infallible source of guidance. Shouldn't we follow such a standard, instead of these fallible human standards? If these human guides disagree with our infallible source, shouldn't we reject the human standards and follow the infallible one?
The ultimate source of guidance in your home should be the Bible.
Genesis 2:18-24 - God created marriage and the home from the beginning. Since He created marriage, He knows the best way to conduct it.
1 Thessalonians 2:13 - The Bible is a revelation of the wisdom, not of men, but of God. It works effectively in those who believe.
2 Timothy 3:16,17 - Scriptures are profitable to teach and instruct us and provide us completely to all good works. Doesn't that include the good work of having a good marriage?
Isaiah 55:8,9 - But God's wisdom is superior to that of man, like the heavens are higher than the earth. This is true in every area.
Joshua 1:8 - We have success in our work when we study God's plan and do not depart from it. Many claim to believe this regarding salvation, the church, worship, etc. But do we likewise follow God's plan for our homes?
Psalm 127:1 - Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.
We do not need to have so much confusion and uncertainty about family affairs. The Bible is the word of God, and God is never wrong. If you want a good marriage and a good home, you must follow the proper guide.
[2 Peter 1:3; Acts 17:11]
B. The Main Goal for Our Homes
Too many families put too much emphasis on materialistic goals.
Material possessions - Luke 12:15-21; 1 Timothy 6:9,10; 1 John 2:15-17.
Pleasure - 2 Timothy 3:1-5; Hebrews 11:24-26.
Popularity and social standing - John 12:42,43.
Beauty - Proverbs 31:30; 1 Peter 3:3,4.
Recreation, athletics - 1 Timothy 4:8.
The most important goal our homes should seek to accomplish is to serve God and to help one another receive eternal life.
Genesis 18:19 - Abraham commanded his house to keep God's ways.
Joshua 24:15 - Joshua committed himself and his family to serve God.
Malachi 2:15 - God seeks homes that result in godly offspring.
There are other important goals for our homes, such as love and companionship and raising our children to be good citizens. But even if a family has all these, it is still a failure if it does not accomplish the most important goal. Too often families become so involved in pursuing other less important goals that they neglect responsibilities to God.
In order to have proper home lives, service to God must be our main focal point. Do not marry someone who does not view serving God as their main goal in life.
[Matthew 6:33; Romans 12:1,2; 1 Corinthians 15:58]
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Marriage Preparation and Improvement
Bible Principles for Preparing to Marry, Choosing a Spouse, and Having a Better Marriage
Many couples seek help to improve their marriages. Others seek guidance in choosing a companion to marry or preparing for marriage. What counseling can Bible principles provide about the purpose and permanence of marriage, maturity, religion, and love in the home? What roles should the husband and wife fulfill? What about relations, friends, in-laws, and raising children? Why should the sexual affection and the sex relationship be reserved till after the wedding and fulfilled only with ones Scriptural spouse?
Introduction:
There is significant evidence that many marriages today are troubled.
Many forces in society are undermining the Biblical concept of the home.
* Divorce - Each year the number of divorces is about half the number of marriages.
* Conflict and violence - Many families quarrel continually or even become violent. Nearly 1/3 of all murders are committed between family members.
* Fornication and sexual unfaithfulness - Premarital sex and even extra-marital sex are commonly accepted.
* Rebellious and delinquent children - Many young people rebel against the moral or religious standards taught them by their parents.
* Confusion about authority and roles in the home - We are told that it is old-fashioned to believe that the husband should be the breadwinner and head of the family and that the wife should be the homemaker. Parents are led to believe that they have no right to insist that their children obey them or to use physical punishment.
It follows that a study of marriage should be valuable to everyone.
* Couples who are engaged or seriously considering marriage should appreciate guidance about how to have a good marriage and how to determine whether or not they are suited for one another.
* Individuals who are hoping to marry someday, even if they are looking for somebody, still need to consider how to prepare for marriage and how to choose a marriage partner.
* People who are already married need to consider how to improve their marriage.
* Unmarried people - even if they never plan to marry - can still profit from such a study, because all around you are married people. As Christians, you should want to try to help these people understand God's will for their homes.
The purpose of this study is to discuss a number of basic principles people should consider in order to prepare for marriage or to improve marriage.
I do not profess to know all about marriage, but I believe God understands marriage and has revealed the best plan for marriage in the Bible. And I surely do not claim to have been a perfect husband. On the contrary, I know many areas where I have failed or could have improved, and my family can probably name other areas that I am not aware of. So, the goal is to study what the Bible says about marriage, and perhaps along the way I can help you avoid some of my mistakes.
Many couples seek help to improve their marriages. Others seek guidance in choosing a companion to marry or preparing for marriage. What counseling can Bible principles provide about the purpose and permanence of marriage, maturity, religion, and love in the home? What roles should the husband and wife fulfill? What about relations, friends, in-laws, and raising children? Why should the sexual affection and the sex relationship be reserved till after the wedding and fulfilled only with ones Scriptural spouse?
Introduction:
There is significant evidence that many marriages today are troubled.
Many forces in society are undermining the Biblical concept of the home.
* Divorce - Each year the number of divorces is about half the number of marriages.
* Conflict and violence - Many families quarrel continually or even become violent. Nearly 1/3 of all murders are committed between family members.
* Fornication and sexual unfaithfulness - Premarital sex and even extra-marital sex are commonly accepted.
* Rebellious and delinquent children - Many young people rebel against the moral or religious standards taught them by their parents.
* Confusion about authority and roles in the home - We are told that it is old-fashioned to believe that the husband should be the breadwinner and head of the family and that the wife should be the homemaker. Parents are led to believe that they have no right to insist that their children obey them or to use physical punishment.
It follows that a study of marriage should be valuable to everyone.
* Couples who are engaged or seriously considering marriage should appreciate guidance about how to have a good marriage and how to determine whether or not they are suited for one another.
* Individuals who are hoping to marry someday, even if they are looking for somebody, still need to consider how to prepare for marriage and how to choose a marriage partner.
* People who are already married need to consider how to improve their marriage.
* Unmarried people - even if they never plan to marry - can still profit from such a study, because all around you are married people. As Christians, you should want to try to help these people understand God's will for their homes.
The purpose of this study is to discuss a number of basic principles people should consider in order to prepare for marriage or to improve marriage.
I do not profess to know all about marriage, but I believe God understands marriage and has revealed the best plan for marriage in the Bible. And I surely do not claim to have been a perfect husband. On the contrary, I know many areas where I have failed or could have improved, and my family can probably name other areas that I am not aware of. So, the goal is to study what the Bible says about marriage, and perhaps along the way I can help you avoid some of my mistakes.
Monday, December 8, 2008
IV. Consistency Between Circumstances
We must "steadfastly adhere to the same principles" in the same circumstances every time. We must not allow what we disallowed in the past under the same circumstances.
A. Sometimes Parent's Rules and Enforcement Are Not Reliable.
Sometimes we let our own mood, rather than the child's conduct, determine what the rules are or what discipline we give. If we feel bad or had a bad day, we take it out on the children. We scream and punish them for little things. But the next day we're in a better mood, so they get little or no punishment when they do the same things.
Sometimes parents are too busy with other things and just don't pay attention to their children. We give them instructions; but then we get so involved in work or conversation that we overlook their disobedience. If we notice them, we correct them. But at times we are not diligent enough to check up on them.
As a result the child learns that, whether or not he gets punished, will depend, not just on what he does, but also on the parents' mood or involvement in other things. So it is a calculated risk on his part whether or not he can get away with disobedience. Or he becomes an amateur psychologist and tries to judge our moods. But what we have taught him is, not respect for authority, but manipulation of it.
B. Bible Principles
Hebrews 6:10 - God is not unjust. Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday (Heb. 13:8). He is not divided against Himself (1 Cor. 1:13).
How does our heavenly Father deal with our disobedience? Does the punishment we get depend on the mood He is in? Does He get so involved in other things that He overlooks our sins? God is the perfect example of consistency in dealing with our wrongs.
Matthew 23:23 - Justice is one of the weightier matters of the law. This includes justice toward our families. When rules are not enforced consistently, that is injustice. We would object if we were to receive that kind of treatment by the civil government or an employer. Let us practice justice by enforcing rules fairly.
Colossians 3:21 - Again, we must not provoke our children to discouragement. Inconsistent enforcement of rules is one of the greatest causes of wrath and discouragement in children. Today the child is punished severely for doing the same kind of thing that he did yesterday with little or no punishment. This is unfair, and the child knows it.
Obviously, humans are limited in our ability to know every wrong our child does. Whereas God has perfect knowledge, at the best we are capable of being fooled at times. Children know this and do not disrespect us simply because occasionally things happen that we cannot know.
But the problem often occurs simply because we are not trying hard enough. We are too concerned for our own moods and our own interests, so we are not concerned enough about the conduct and training of our children. As a result, they deliberately and knowingly get away with disobedience, because we are not "on the ball." That is injustice.
Consistency is the key that ties together all the other keys. We must be consistent in applying all the principles we have studied - "steadfast adherence to the same principles."
Conclusion
Parents must practice each of the "key" principles that we have studied. But note further that, if we practice each of these "key" principles, we will find that each of them in turn will instill a related quality in our children.
(1) If raising our children to serve God is our main goal, then the children will develop serving God as their main goal.
(2) If we plan our training of the children based on God's word, then our children will learn to plan their lives on the basis of God's word.
(3) If we always act in love for our children, then our children will learn to act in love for everyone around them.
(4) If we diligently instruct our children in God's word, they will develop, not only an understanding of God's word, but also a desire to in turn instruct others.
(5) If we properly exercise authority toward our children, this will instill in them a respect for authority and an understanding of how to exercise authority when they need to do so.
(6) If we motivate them by proper use of punishments and rewards, then they will learn to seek the rewards and avoid the punishments offered by God (and other authority figures).
(7) If we are consistent in applying these principles in training our children, then they will learn to do right consistently. Because we demand right conduct all the time, they will learn to act right all the time, not just part of the time.
Raising children is one of the most awesome responsibilities any human being can face. Our conduct as parents will influence our children, not just for life, but for eternity. You and I will largely determine how our children live their lives and where they will be in eternity.
Yet many parents face this responsibility with far too little concern and far too little understanding of proper principles. We emphasize again that our goal as parents must be to raise godly children. While many people do not know how to do this, there is no need for us to be ignorant. God's word tells us the principles we should follow. To successfully raise godly children, we must understand and practice God's keys for raising children.
A. Sometimes Parent's Rules and Enforcement Are Not Reliable.
Sometimes we let our own mood, rather than the child's conduct, determine what the rules are or what discipline we give. If we feel bad or had a bad day, we take it out on the children. We scream and punish them for little things. But the next day we're in a better mood, so they get little or no punishment when they do the same things.
Sometimes parents are too busy with other things and just don't pay attention to their children. We give them instructions; but then we get so involved in work or conversation that we overlook their disobedience. If we notice them, we correct them. But at times we are not diligent enough to check up on them.
As a result the child learns that, whether or not he gets punished, will depend, not just on what he does, but also on the parents' mood or involvement in other things. So it is a calculated risk on his part whether or not he can get away with disobedience. Or he becomes an amateur psychologist and tries to judge our moods. But what we have taught him is, not respect for authority, but manipulation of it.
B. Bible Principles
Hebrews 6:10 - God is not unjust. Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday (Heb. 13:8). He is not divided against Himself (1 Cor. 1:13).
How does our heavenly Father deal with our disobedience? Does the punishment we get depend on the mood He is in? Does He get so involved in other things that He overlooks our sins? God is the perfect example of consistency in dealing with our wrongs.
Matthew 23:23 - Justice is one of the weightier matters of the law. This includes justice toward our families. When rules are not enforced consistently, that is injustice. We would object if we were to receive that kind of treatment by the civil government or an employer. Let us practice justice by enforcing rules fairly.
Colossians 3:21 - Again, we must not provoke our children to discouragement. Inconsistent enforcement of rules is one of the greatest causes of wrath and discouragement in children. Today the child is punished severely for doing the same kind of thing that he did yesterday with little or no punishment. This is unfair, and the child knows it.
Obviously, humans are limited in our ability to know every wrong our child does. Whereas God has perfect knowledge, at the best we are capable of being fooled at times. Children know this and do not disrespect us simply because occasionally things happen that we cannot know.
But the problem often occurs simply because we are not trying hard enough. We are too concerned for our own moods and our own interests, so we are not concerned enough about the conduct and training of our children. As a result, they deliberately and knowingly get away with disobedience, because we are not "on the ball." That is injustice.
Consistency is the key that ties together all the other keys. We must be consistent in applying all the principles we have studied - "steadfast adherence to the same principles."
Conclusion
Parents must practice each of the "key" principles that we have studied. But note further that, if we practice each of these "key" principles, we will find that each of them in turn will instill a related quality in our children.
(1) If raising our children to serve God is our main goal, then the children will develop serving God as their main goal.
(2) If we plan our training of the children based on God's word, then our children will learn to plan their lives on the basis of God's word.
(3) If we always act in love for our children, then our children will learn to act in love for everyone around them.
(4) If we diligently instruct our children in God's word, they will develop, not only an understanding of God's word, but also a desire to in turn instruct others.
(5) If we properly exercise authority toward our children, this will instill in them a respect for authority and an understanding of how to exercise authority when they need to do so.
(6) If we motivate them by proper use of punishments and rewards, then they will learn to seek the rewards and avoid the punishments offered by God (and other authority figures).
(7) If we are consistent in applying these principles in training our children, then they will learn to do right consistently. Because we demand right conduct all the time, they will learn to act right all the time, not just part of the time.
Raising children is one of the most awesome responsibilities any human being can face. Our conduct as parents will influence our children, not just for life, but for eternity. You and I will largely determine how our children live their lives and where they will be in eternity.
Yet many parents face this responsibility with far too little concern and far too little understanding of proper principles. We emphasize again that our goal as parents must be to raise godly children. While many people do not know how to do this, there is no need for us to be ignorant. God's word tells us the principles we should follow. To successfully raise godly children, we must understand and practice God's keys for raising children.
Friday, December 5, 2008
III. Consistency Between Children
Parents should not play favorites with their children, but should "steadfastly adhere to the same principles" regardless of which child they are dealing with.
A. Some Parents Are Partial to a Particular Child.
Sometimes parents just like one child better than the others or play favorites for some other reason. So they may be more lenient with one child. The favorite can do what is forbidden to others, or he or she is not punished as severely as another child would be for the same violation. The favorite may receive gifts or favors that the others do not, etc.
Note that this does not we should ignore the fact that different children may have different circumstances. Sometimes children quickly and unfairly accuse parents of favoritism simply because one child is allowed to do what other children are not allowed to do, etc. But sometimes rules are justifiably different because of different circumstances.
For example, if one child is older, he may get to stay up later or go places the younger ones cannot go, etc. The point is that rules should be the same for all children in the same circumstances. And the rules should not be different just because we like certain children better than we do others.
Favoritism harms all the children. The ones who are discriminated against become rebellious. They are jealous of the favorite and angry at the parents. They feel unloved and may deliberately disobey parents to get attention.
But the favorite is also hurt because he grows up thinking he deserves special treatment. He thinks he is more important than other people and can break the rules and get away with it. He will have great difficulty adjusting to real life, because the world won't treat him that way. And God certainly won't treat him that way.
B. Bible Principles Involved.
Bible examples show the consequences of favoritism.
Isaac and Rebekah each had favorite children. Isaac loved Esau but Rebekah loved Jacob (Gen. 25:28). This resulted in such strife and deceit that Esau sought to kill Jacob, and Jacob to have to leave home.
Genesis 37:3,4 - Later Jacob also played favorites, which caused hatred between his sons. His favorite son was Joseph, so the others sold Joseph as a slave and almost killed him out of jealousy.
Acts 10:34,35 - Our heavenly Father, who is our perfect example of a father, does not play favorites. He does not respect persons, but treats us entirely according to how we act toward Him. Especially in administering rewards and punishments, God treats us on the basis of our conduct with no partiality shown (Rom. 2:11).
James 2:1,8,9 - Likewise, God forbids us to show respect of persons. Partiality violates the Royal law, which requires us to love our neighbor. Partiality is sinful just as surely as murder or adultery, yet many people are guilty right in their own homes!
Colossians 3:21 - Again, we must not provoke our children to discouragement. But one of the surest ways to discourage them is to treat them unjustly and unfairly. And one of the surest ways to be unjust is by practicing favoritism. [Matt. 7:12]
A. Some Parents Are Partial to a Particular Child.
Sometimes parents just like one child better than the others or play favorites for some other reason. So they may be more lenient with one child. The favorite can do what is forbidden to others, or he or she is not punished as severely as another child would be for the same violation. The favorite may receive gifts or favors that the others do not, etc.
Note that this does not we should ignore the fact that different children may have different circumstances. Sometimes children quickly and unfairly accuse parents of favoritism simply because one child is allowed to do what other children are not allowed to do, etc. But sometimes rules are justifiably different because of different circumstances.
For example, if one child is older, he may get to stay up later or go places the younger ones cannot go, etc. The point is that rules should be the same for all children in the same circumstances. And the rules should not be different just because we like certain children better than we do others.
Favoritism harms all the children. The ones who are discriminated against become rebellious. They are jealous of the favorite and angry at the parents. They feel unloved and may deliberately disobey parents to get attention.
But the favorite is also hurt because he grows up thinking he deserves special treatment. He thinks he is more important than other people and can break the rules and get away with it. He will have great difficulty adjusting to real life, because the world won't treat him that way. And God certainly won't treat him that way.
B. Bible Principles Involved.
Bible examples show the consequences of favoritism.
Isaac and Rebekah each had favorite children. Isaac loved Esau but Rebekah loved Jacob (Gen. 25:28). This resulted in such strife and deceit that Esau sought to kill Jacob, and Jacob to have to leave home.
Genesis 37:3,4 - Later Jacob also played favorites, which caused hatred between his sons. His favorite son was Joseph, so the others sold Joseph as a slave and almost killed him out of jealousy.
Acts 10:34,35 - Our heavenly Father, who is our perfect example of a father, does not play favorites. He does not respect persons, but treats us entirely according to how we act toward Him. Especially in administering rewards and punishments, God treats us on the basis of our conduct with no partiality shown (Rom. 2:11).
James 2:1,8,9 - Likewise, God forbids us to show respect of persons. Partiality violates the Royal law, which requires us to love our neighbor. Partiality is sinful just as surely as murder or adultery, yet many people are guilty right in their own homes!
Colossians 3:21 - Again, we must not provoke our children to discouragement. But one of the surest ways to discourage them is to treat them unjustly and unfairly. And one of the surest ways to be unjust is by practicing favoritism. [Matt. 7:12]
Thursday, December 4, 2008
II. Consistency Between Words and Deeds
Parents need to adhere steadfastly to the same principles both in what we do compared to what we say we will do. This is especially important in the rules we make and in how we enforce those rules.
A. Some Parents Make Threats or Promises They Do Not Keep.
We tell our children they must do certain things; but if they stall or manipulate or flat out rebel, we don't make them do it. We may threaten a punishment or offer a reward, but then we don't keep our word. "If you don't ..., I'm going to ..." (or "If you will ..., then I will..."). But we don't do what we said.
Some parents make ridiculous threats that everyone knows they don't intend to carry out (and if they did carry it out, it would be sinful). "If you don't do what I say, I'll break every bone in your body." Such threats may be made in humor, but often the parent appears to be quite serious and hopes the threat will lead the child to obey.
Such statements often occur when parents are trying to control children by threats and anger, instead of by action (consider our earlier discussion about "Motivation"). We need to consider whether it is right to threaten to do something that would be sinful if we did it. But we also need to consider whether it is right to make threats or promises that we do not keep and in many cases have no intention of keeping.
B. Bible Principles Involved
Hebrews 10:23 - God is our example of a perfect Father, and He is faithful to His promises. We are motivated to obey Him because we know He will always keep His word. If we could not trust Him to keep His promises, we would have little respect for Him and little reason to obey Him. Parents should be likewise faithful to their promises.
Romans 1:31 - Listed among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (NKJV - "untrustworthy"). People who make promises they don't mean or who give their word but don't keep it, are covenant-breakers or untrustworthy. Note that this is true whether we promise to give a reward or a punishment.
James 5:12 - Let your yes be yes and your no, no. Do not lightly say you will do a thing. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you say you'll do it, then do it. This is true of both your "yes" and your "no."
We tend to think we are obligated to give the rewards we promised our children, but it's OK to forget the promises of punishment. After all, the children don't want us to keep that kind of promise! But a promise is a promise, whether we promise a reward or a punishment. We must keep our promises; otherwise we are not being true to our word, and our children will not truly respect us.
Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Failure to keep their word is one way parents commonly provoke their children and discourage them. One time they keep a threat or promise they made, but the next time they do not keep their word. Children do not know whether or not to believe and trust such parents.
There are times when we make a poor decision and promise something, then later we realize it would be best for everyone if we change our mind. In that case, let us apologize for our mistake and explain our reason for changing. But don't lightly make threats or promises and do not lightly break them.
A. Some Parents Make Threats or Promises They Do Not Keep.
We tell our children they must do certain things; but if they stall or manipulate or flat out rebel, we don't make them do it. We may threaten a punishment or offer a reward, but then we don't keep our word. "If you don't ..., I'm going to ..." (or "If you will ..., then I will..."). But we don't do what we said.
Some parents make ridiculous threats that everyone knows they don't intend to carry out (and if they did carry it out, it would be sinful). "If you don't do what I say, I'll break every bone in your body." Such threats may be made in humor, but often the parent appears to be quite serious and hopes the threat will lead the child to obey.
Such statements often occur when parents are trying to control children by threats and anger, instead of by action (consider our earlier discussion about "Motivation"). We need to consider whether it is right to threaten to do something that would be sinful if we did it. But we also need to consider whether it is right to make threats or promises that we do not keep and in many cases have no intention of keeping.
B. Bible Principles Involved
Hebrews 10:23 - God is our example of a perfect Father, and He is faithful to His promises. We are motivated to obey Him because we know He will always keep His word. If we could not trust Him to keep His promises, we would have little respect for Him and little reason to obey Him. Parents should be likewise faithful to their promises.
Romans 1:31 - Listed among those worthy of death are "covenant-breakers" (NKJV - "untrustworthy"). People who make promises they don't mean or who give their word but don't keep it, are covenant-breakers or untrustworthy. Note that this is true whether we promise to give a reward or a punishment.
James 5:12 - Let your yes be yes and your no, no. Do not lightly say you will do a thing. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you say you'll do it, then do it. This is true of both your "yes" and your "no."
We tend to think we are obligated to give the rewards we promised our children, but it's OK to forget the promises of punishment. After all, the children don't want us to keep that kind of promise! But a promise is a promise, whether we promise a reward or a punishment. We must keep our promises; otherwise we are not being true to our word, and our children will not truly respect us.
Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Failure to keep their word is one way parents commonly provoke their children and discourage them. One time they keep a threat or promise they made, but the next time they do not keep their word. Children do not know whether or not to believe and trust such parents.
There are times when we make a poor decision and promise something, then later we realize it would be best for everyone if we change our mind. In that case, let us apologize for our mistake and explain our reason for changing. But don't lightly make threats or promises and do not lightly break them.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Key #7: Consistency
Consistency is defined as "steadfast adherence to the same principles."
We have already learned six "key" principles we must follow in order to raise godly children. But it is not enough to just understand and be aware of these principles. We must consistently apply them - we must "steadfastly adhere" to them, and we must continually apply the "same principles" without variation. This applies to all six areas we have already discussed:
(1) We must consistently keep our purpose before us and take all actions with that purpose in mind: to raise our children to serve God.
(2) We must consistently plan our actions in harmony with God's word, and put our plan into action.
(3) We must consistently act in love for the whole family, making our decisions according to what is best for all.
(4) We must consistently instruct our children to know God's will.
(5) We must consistently use authority for the good of all, expecting obedience and respect from children.
(6) We must consistently motivate our children to obey us by means of proper, diligent application of punishments and rewards.
We are not saying to just be consistent, regardless of the principles you follow. It is possible to be consistently wrong! We must learn the right principles, then we must steadfastly adhere to them.
Lack of consistency is one of the biggest problems facing parents. We often fail, not because we do not know what to do, but because we are not diligent in applying consistently what we know.
Note some specific areas in which consistency is needed but is often lacking.
I. Consistency Between Parents
Both parents must "steadfastly adhere to the same principles." They must work together, not against one another.
A. Sometimes Father and Mother Disagree about Raising Children.
Sometimes they disagree about what rules the children should be required to follow or about how the children should be punished. They may even argue about matters like this in front of the child.
Typically, one parent is strict and the other is lenient. The lenient one thinks the child is being treated too harshly, so he/she compensates by being increasingly lenient to make up for the strictness of the other parent. The other parent sees this and reacts by being even stricter to make up for the leniency of the other spouse. It becomes a vicious circle in which the parents pull further and further apart.
The child is completely confused by this. One parent punishes him, while the other parent protects him. He doesn't know what the rules are. He has no sense of security, but becomes the pawn in a power struggle between the parents. But he soon learns to play the parents against one another. He goes to the parent who will let him have his way and uses that one to protect him from the other parent.
But the end result is the child really does not respect either parent. If they cannot decide the rules, why should he listen to them? Often great strife results within the family. And most tragically, the child does not grow up to learn the qualities of character that either parent wants him to learn.
B. The Bible Deals with This Problem.
A Bible example: Gen. 27.
Isaac determined to bless Esau, but Rebekah wanted the blessing to go to Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob deceived Isaac and cheated Esau of the blessing. The result was strife between Jacob and Esau so severe that Esau determined to kill Jacob, and Jacob had to flee from home.
1 Corinthians 14:33
God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. The result of such conflict between parents is sure to be strife, not peace. God is not the cause of it and does not approve it.
Matthew 12:25
A house divided against itself shall not stand. But a house is surely divided when parents are so inconsistent and disagreed about raising the children. It cannot possibly accomplish its real goals.
Ephesians 6:4
Parents should not provoke children to wrath. But such inconsistency between the parents invariably causes wrath and discouragement on the part of the child.
C. The Bible Solution
Communicate.
Go back to step #2 - planning. Discuss the matter between yourselves based on the principles of God's word.
Even before marriage, you should discuss your basic approach to child raising. If one of you is fundamentally more lenient than the other or if there are other fundamental disagreements, this needs to be discussed and an understanding reached. Otherwise, marry someone else.
As you raise the children, continually discuss the principles you will follow. Try to decide the rules you will follow even before the problem comes up. Then there will be no need to argue at the time of the problem.
Communicate with your companion about specific situations. If you give a rule to the children, tell your spouse about it so he/she will know; then the children cannot play you one against the other.
If you have a disagreement about how to handle a specific situation, don't argue about it in front of the child. The father and mother should go into another room for awhile to talk about it.
Follow the Bible plan for authority in the home.
Ephesians 5:22-25 - The husband is head of the family, but he must act in love according to what is best for the family. Let the parents discuss the matter. Let the wife express her view respectfully. If appropriate, let the children express their views. Then let the father make a decision.
When the decision is made, the whole family should accept and honor it unless it requires the wife or children to do something sinful (Acts 5:29). There should be no nagging, grumbling, or pouting. Specifically, the wife should submit to this decision with the same good will that she wants the children to submit to her authority.
We have already learned six "key" principles we must follow in order to raise godly children. But it is not enough to just understand and be aware of these principles. We must consistently apply them - we must "steadfastly adhere" to them, and we must continually apply the "same principles" without variation. This applies to all six areas we have already discussed:
(1) We must consistently keep our purpose before us and take all actions with that purpose in mind: to raise our children to serve God.
(2) We must consistently plan our actions in harmony with God's word, and put our plan into action.
(3) We must consistently act in love for the whole family, making our decisions according to what is best for all.
(4) We must consistently instruct our children to know God's will.
(5) We must consistently use authority for the good of all, expecting obedience and respect from children.
(6) We must consistently motivate our children to obey us by means of proper, diligent application of punishments and rewards.
We are not saying to just be consistent, regardless of the principles you follow. It is possible to be consistently wrong! We must learn the right principles, then we must steadfastly adhere to them.
Lack of consistency is one of the biggest problems facing parents. We often fail, not because we do not know what to do, but because we are not diligent in applying consistently what we know.
Note some specific areas in which consistency is needed but is often lacking.
I. Consistency Between Parents
Both parents must "steadfastly adhere to the same principles." They must work together, not against one another.
A. Sometimes Father and Mother Disagree about Raising Children.
Sometimes they disagree about what rules the children should be required to follow or about how the children should be punished. They may even argue about matters like this in front of the child.
Typically, one parent is strict and the other is lenient. The lenient one thinks the child is being treated too harshly, so he/she compensates by being increasingly lenient to make up for the strictness of the other parent. The other parent sees this and reacts by being even stricter to make up for the leniency of the other spouse. It becomes a vicious circle in which the parents pull further and further apart.
The child is completely confused by this. One parent punishes him, while the other parent protects him. He doesn't know what the rules are. He has no sense of security, but becomes the pawn in a power struggle between the parents. But he soon learns to play the parents against one another. He goes to the parent who will let him have his way and uses that one to protect him from the other parent.
But the end result is the child really does not respect either parent. If they cannot decide the rules, why should he listen to them? Often great strife results within the family. And most tragically, the child does not grow up to learn the qualities of character that either parent wants him to learn.
B. The Bible Deals with This Problem.
A Bible example: Gen. 27.
Isaac determined to bless Esau, but Rebekah wanted the blessing to go to Jacob. Rebekah and Jacob deceived Isaac and cheated Esau of the blessing. The result was strife between Jacob and Esau so severe that Esau determined to kill Jacob, and Jacob had to flee from home.
1 Corinthians 14:33
God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. The result of such conflict between parents is sure to be strife, not peace. God is not the cause of it and does not approve it.
Matthew 12:25
A house divided against itself shall not stand. But a house is surely divided when parents are so inconsistent and disagreed about raising the children. It cannot possibly accomplish its real goals.
Ephesians 6:4
Parents should not provoke children to wrath. But such inconsistency between the parents invariably causes wrath and discouragement on the part of the child.
C. The Bible Solution
Communicate.
Go back to step #2 - planning. Discuss the matter between yourselves based on the principles of God's word.
Even before marriage, you should discuss your basic approach to child raising. If one of you is fundamentally more lenient than the other or if there are other fundamental disagreements, this needs to be discussed and an understanding reached. Otherwise, marry someone else.
As you raise the children, continually discuss the principles you will follow. Try to decide the rules you will follow even before the problem comes up. Then there will be no need to argue at the time of the problem.
Communicate with your companion about specific situations. If you give a rule to the children, tell your spouse about it so he/she will know; then the children cannot play you one against the other.
If you have a disagreement about how to handle a specific situation, don't argue about it in front of the child. The father and mother should go into another room for awhile to talk about it.
Follow the Bible plan for authority in the home.
Ephesians 5:22-25 - The husband is head of the family, but he must act in love according to what is best for the family. Let the parents discuss the matter. Let the wife express her view respectfully. If appropriate, let the children express their views. Then let the father make a decision.
When the decision is made, the whole family should accept and honor it unless it requires the wife or children to do something sinful (Acts 5:29). There should be no nagging, grumbling, or pouting. Specifically, the wife should submit to this decision with the same good will that she wants the children to submit to her authority.
Monday, December 1, 2008
F. Generally Children Should Be Disciplined in Private.
Sometimes a child misbehaves in public places, other people's homes, or in the presence of company. Disciplining him around other people may embarrass him, you, and the other people.
And in today's society so-called child advocates may harass you. But if you don't discipline the child, he soon learns he can misbehave around other people without consequences.
One solution is to call the child to you and inform him as privately as possible what you want (whisper, etc.). If firmer measures are needed, find or ask for a private room. (This could be a rest room, a bedroom, a car, etc.). Take the child there and proceed to discipline as you would at home. If he is old enough to understand, you may tell him you will discipline him when you get home.
Suppose a child is being noisy or otherwise disruptive during a church meeting. Some people think, if they take the child out, it will be embarrassing or will disturb others. But by not disciplining the child, they make matters worse because the child continues to disrupt other people.
When your child is distracting other people in worship assemblies, take him out and solve his problem. Then bring him back when he is under control so he will not distract others.
G. Never Offer a Child a Reward to Stop Misbehaving.
If he is already doing wrong, and you offer a reward to quit, then you have really rewarded and reinforced his misbehavior. Next time he wants that reward, he will misbehave hoping to receive the reward again.
Suppose you call Billy to come and he says, "No, I won't!" So you offer him candy if he'll come. What will happen next time you call him? He'll remember that, if he says "No," he may get some candy!
The time to offer a reward is before the child has done anything wrong, while you are asking him to do something good. Or just give him the reward after he did the good deed, but don't wait till he's already doing something wrong and then offer him a reward to quit.
H. Talk to the Child Before and After You Punish Him.
Discuss the incident. Explain why it was wrong and what the child should have done. After the punishment, make sure the child is sorry: make him say he's sorry and make him promise to do right next time. If he has refused to do something you told him to do, take him back and make him do it. Then be sure to tell the child you love him and you expect him to do better next time, etc. There are many advantages to this.
(1) It helps you keep calm.
(2) It makes sure the child understands why he is being punished and what you expect in the future.
(3) It helps him remember the lesson. You certainly have his attention, so it is an excellent time to instruct him.
(4) It enables you to assure him of your love and concern for what's best for him. You make sure he understands that you care about him, but you must not allow that kind of conduct.
(5) Often your talk will cause the child to feel bad just by the fact he knows he has disappointed you.
Gwendolyn Webb says to "make a spanking an event" (TUAC, pp. 168-170). She means don't just keep scolding a child and smacking him so the situation gets drug out repeatedly. Take him out, talk to him, give him a spanking, make him apologize and do what you told him, etc. Make it an event he will remember, so he is not likely to make the same error again.
Conclusion
Romans 11:22 - Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God: on those who fell, severity; but toward you, goodness, if you continue in His goodness.
God is a God of both rewards and punishments. He is our example of a good father. We should consider the principles He uses to motivate obedience and apply those principles in our homes according to the Scriptures.
And in today's society so-called child advocates may harass you. But if you don't discipline the child, he soon learns he can misbehave around other people without consequences.
One solution is to call the child to you and inform him as privately as possible what you want (whisper, etc.). If firmer measures are needed, find or ask for a private room. (This could be a rest room, a bedroom, a car, etc.). Take the child there and proceed to discipline as you would at home. If he is old enough to understand, you may tell him you will discipline him when you get home.
Suppose a child is being noisy or otherwise disruptive during a church meeting. Some people think, if they take the child out, it will be embarrassing or will disturb others. But by not disciplining the child, they make matters worse because the child continues to disrupt other people.
When your child is distracting other people in worship assemblies, take him out and solve his problem. Then bring him back when he is under control so he will not distract others.
G. Never Offer a Child a Reward to Stop Misbehaving.
If he is already doing wrong, and you offer a reward to quit, then you have really rewarded and reinforced his misbehavior. Next time he wants that reward, he will misbehave hoping to receive the reward again.
Suppose you call Billy to come and he says, "No, I won't!" So you offer him candy if he'll come. What will happen next time you call him? He'll remember that, if he says "No," he may get some candy!
The time to offer a reward is before the child has done anything wrong, while you are asking him to do something good. Or just give him the reward after he did the good deed, but don't wait till he's already doing something wrong and then offer him a reward to quit.
H. Talk to the Child Before and After You Punish Him.
Discuss the incident. Explain why it was wrong and what the child should have done. After the punishment, make sure the child is sorry: make him say he's sorry and make him promise to do right next time. If he has refused to do something you told him to do, take him back and make him do it. Then be sure to tell the child you love him and you expect him to do better next time, etc. There are many advantages to this.
(1) It helps you keep calm.
(2) It makes sure the child understands why he is being punished and what you expect in the future.
(3) It helps him remember the lesson. You certainly have his attention, so it is an excellent time to instruct him.
(4) It enables you to assure him of your love and concern for what's best for him. You make sure he understands that you care about him, but you must not allow that kind of conduct.
(5) Often your talk will cause the child to feel bad just by the fact he knows he has disappointed you.
Gwendolyn Webb says to "make a spanking an event" (TUAC, pp. 168-170). She means don't just keep scolding a child and smacking him so the situation gets drug out repeatedly. Take him out, talk to him, give him a spanking, make him apologize and do what you told him, etc. Make it an event he will remember, so he is not likely to make the same error again.
Conclusion
Romans 11:22 - Therefore consider the goodness and severity of God: on those who fell, severity; but toward you, goodness, if you continue in His goodness.
God is a God of both rewards and punishments. He is our example of a good father. We should consider the principles He uses to motivate obedience and apply those principles in our homes according to the Scriptures.
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