V. Loving One Another

How important are love and affection in marriage? What is love and how is it expressed? How can a couple put love into their marriage? Why practice giving and self-sacrifice, instead of selfishness?

Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Titus 2:4 - Wives should love their husbands.

A. Love Is Concern for the Wellbeing of Others.

Bible Principles

Ephesians 5:25,28,29 - Jesus' love for the church illustrates the love husbands should have for their wives. He loved us so much He gave His life so we could be saved. So, the husband should be concerned for the wellbeing of the wife. He should nourish and cherish her as he does his own body. He must use his authority, not to please himself, but to do what is best for her and the family.

1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love is not selfish. [Romans 13:10]

Philippians 2:1-4 - Love requires us to not act from selfish ambition or conceit. We look out, not just for our own interests, but for the interests of those we love.

To have a good marriage, both spouses must seek the wellbeing of the other person. When one or both companions selfishly insist on their own way, problems are inevitable in the family.

Applications

Instead of love, couples often express self-will and lack of concern for their spouse.
Sometimes selfishness and lack of love shows in major ways.

The husband is lazy and won't work to provide for the family.

The wife is lazy and won't care for the house and children.

The husband spends money on toys he wants, but the wife and children lack clothes or food.
The wife prefers to socialize with her friends, leaving the house in a mess.

Sometimes lack of love shows in less obvious ways.

The husband treats his wife like a slave, but he won't lift a finger to get something for her. He sits in front of the TV saying, "I need a sandwich. Get me a Coke. How about some pretzels." But he would be furious if she made similar demands of him.

Or the wife has a list of work for the husband to do around the house, but gets mad when he watches TV. But while he goes to work, she watches TV, reads for pleasure, or visits with her friends for hours at a time, neglecting her own work.

Throughout our marriage, I have had all kinds of opinions about how Karen should dress to please me, but I used to get upset when she wanted me to dress to please her.

Love is a matter of degree and a matter of growth. But always, love seeks the wellbeing and pleasure of the other person, instead of just pleasing oneself.

B. Love Is a Choice of the Will.

Bible principles

Ephesians 5:25,28 - Love can be commanded, because it is a matter of the will. We can choose whether or not to love, just like we choose whether or not to obey any other command.

Romans 5:6-8 - Christ is the example to husbands. He loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so loveable He couldn't help Himself. He chose to do what we needed.

Titus 2:4 - Older women should admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children. Ladies can learn to love their husbands and children. Bible love is not primarily an emotion. It will result in emotions, but it itself results from the will.

Luke 6:27,28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving ones enemy is about what it would take to put love into some marriages! But what does it mean to love an enemy? We do not uncontrollably "fall" in love. Rather, we choose to do what is best for them.

Love involves a commitment. It is not an accident. Love requires choosing to do what is best for one another. This takes deliberate effort. You do not just get married and automatically "live happily ever after." Such ideas make nice fairy tales - Cinderella and Snow White. But that's all they are: fairy tales!

Applications

Couples can learn to love one another.

Some think love just happens and cannot be controlled - you "fall in love" or out of love.
Sometimes one says, "I just don't love her/him any more." They may think nothing can be done except to get a divorce. But an appropriate response would be, "Have you repented? Have you confessed that sin to God and asked forgiveness?"

Lack of love does not excuse one from responsibility of marriage. It is a sin! What is the Bible solution to sin? Repent, confess it to God and to the one you sinned against. Then do right!
When a marriage lacks love, we choose whether or not to put it in!

When we realize we can choose to love, then we realize we can put love into a marriage. And if we fail to put it in, we sin.

Christ initiated love toward the church when we were sinners not acting lovingly toward Him.
This is the example the husband should follow. Likewise, young women should be taught to love their husbands. You learn to love. If your marriage lacks it, you put it in.

This responsibility to initiate love rests on both spouses, specifically on the husband. Most people think the wife is responsible to put love in the marriage. She is responsible, but the husband is as much or more so. The command is emphasized to the man. He is to love the wife first and put love into the relationship, as Christ first loved the church.