IV. Maturity and Knowing One Another

Why should a couple both be mature before marrying? How important is it to know one another well? Should we choose a companion on the basis of character or feelings and emotions?

Proverbs 5:1,2 - In advising his son about relationships with women, Solomon said to pay attention to wisdom and preserve discretion.

In some ways, whom you choose to marry is a matter of right or wrong (as when they are unscripturally divorced). Spiritual wisdom comes from God, but in many ways, the decision requires considerable judgment - not necessarily absolute rights or wrongs. I may not be able to prove everything I say here is Scriptural requirement, but I believe it to be good wisdom.

A. Choose a Companion Based on Character, not Emotions.

Bible teaching

The Bible contains relatively few examples of choosing of marriage companions

Genesis 24 - Abraham's servant found a wife for Isaac. The couple never met till their wedding. And the specific choice was arranged by God (vv 50,51), which cannot be done today. But Abraham insisted that the bride come from his family so he knew her background, not from the wicked people of the land. And the decision was made by a man of wise judgment who entreated the blessing of God.

Genesis 29 - Jacob also went back to his mother's family to find a companion, because the young people where he lived were ungodly. He made his own decision that he wanted to marry Rachel after he had lived with her family for a month (v14). And the agreement was that he would still not marry her till seven years later.

Ruth 2 - Ruth gleaned in the fields of Boaz throughout the length of the barley harvest and the wheat harvest. At the end of this period they determined to marry. However, this too involved some differences from today. Ruth was a widow whose husband died without descendants. Boaz was a near kinsman of Ruth, and the law required him to take her as wife to raise up seed to her husband. But, he knew her well by reputation. Her past life and conduct had been fully reported to him (2:11). She was known throughout the town as a virtuous woman (3:11).

But the Bible describes at length the character of godly wives and husbands.

The above examples involve some variation. But the one thing clear in every case is that what mattered most was the character of the one to be chosen. Many Scriptures tell the kind of person a man or woman must be in order to have a godly marriage.

Proverbs 31:10-31 - A virtuous woman is hard to find. Her character is described here and elsewhere. This is the kind of woman a young man should seek to find.

Likewise, the Bible describes the qualities of a godly husband. We will study these at length.

I know of no passage that states how you should feel toward a person before you marry them.

You should love your spouse, but we will see that Bible love is more choice and commitment than emotion. Feelings are important in marriage; but if you marry a person of godly character, you can learn to love him/her. But a person of ungodly character will be a source of constant trouble to a Christian.

We will study the qualities of husbands and wives as we proceed. Before you marry you need to know - not just assume or even suspect - that your future spouse possesses these qualities. If not, either look elsewhere or give him/her time to change and prove they will be godly.
Applications

The entertainment industry bombards us with the romantic line to "just let your heart decide." Couples who have seriously different backgrounds meet, "fall in love," get married, and live happily ever after. Girls meet guys with immoral backgrounds and decide to reform them. This puts stars in the eyes of romantic, idealistic young women. But it is foolish and incredibly dangerous.

Proverbs 28:26 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. Do not choose a spouse on the basis of feelings or instincts.

A popular song years ago talked about a couple who met and married in the heat of passion, but they've been talking about divorce "ever since the fire went out."

Feelings come and go. You have highs and lows. People feel excited and high today, but tomorrow feel down and blue. This is normal for all people, even those who have a good marriage. If you marry because a person excites you, you may regret the decision when the fire goes out.

Character should remain constant. Feelings come and go. Base your choice on character and you can sustain the relationship. Know one another well over a number of periods of emotional ups and downs, to see if your commitment can survive the downs as well as the ups.