II. How Should Children Show Respect for Authority?

Some parents don't seem to realize that they have disrespectful children. So what is included in the respect we seek to teach our children?

A. Children Must Act Obediently.

This is the essence of respect for authority, and this is what many passages previously listed require.

Ephesians 6:1 - Children obey your parents in the Lord. God says, "This is right"! [Cf. Col. 3:20.]
Romans 1:30,32 - Those who disobey parents are worthy of death. [Cf. Deut. 21:18-21; 2 Tim. 3:2; etc.]

In all areas of life that we have studied, respect for authority requires obedience. So a child who persistently disobeys in the home is a child who simply has not learned respect for authority. Yet in home after home - even the homes of Christians - children repeatedly refuse to obey, but parents apologize for it, laugh it off, or simply ignore it like it's an everyday occurrence.

Parents, you are trying to raise godly children. The ultimate goal of your authority is to teach your children respect for God's authority. You should expect your children to obey you like God will expect them to obey Him. Do they?

Do your children obey promptly, or do they procrastinate, make excuses, manipulate, and seek to evade your instructions? Do they obey with an attitude of love and good will, or do they groan, complain, and whine? Do they obey exactly, or do they try to bend the rules and justify partial obedience? Do they obey when you are not watching or only if they know they will get caught? What kind of obedience does God expect of us? If your children have not learned to obey you like they should obey God, then you have work to do. God says it your job to teach it to them!

B. Children Must Speak Respectfully.

Our permissive age allows children from pre-schoolers to teens to say anything, in any tone of voice, and with any attitude. One high school parenting text says parents should allow "children the right to have all kinds of feelings and wishes and to express them freely" (Caring for Children, Draper and Draper, p281). Whatever your child feels or wishes is fine, and he has the right to say it.

That's why we hear little children say to their parents, "No, I won't! You can't make me! You leave me alone! You shut up!" They yell and scream at parents, mock them, and backtalk ("sass").

We are told this "gets it out of their system." But remember, what we repeatedly practice becomes our habit. What such conduct really does is ingrain the habit of disrespect for authority. It makes rebellion a fundamental part of their "system"!
Consider the Teaching of Scripture.

Ephesians 6:2,3 - Children should honor their parents. This includes many things, such as supporting the parents in their hold age. But one thing included is speaking respectfully. [Cf. Ex. 20:12; Lev. 19:3; Deut. 27:16; Ezek. 22:7.]

Matthew 15:4 - Jesus contrasted "honoring" parents to speaking evil of them. He who cursed his parents should "be put to death" under the Old Law (cf. Ex. 21:17). To curse means to express a desire for harm to befall someone. Cursing does not necessarily involve using profanity - though we sometimes hear children do that too! When modern parents refuse to allow children to have their way, children may say, "Oh, drop dead." "Go jump off a bridge." If that isn't cursing, what is it? Is it "honoring" the parent?

Proverbs 30:11,17 - Destruction will come to a son who curses, mocks, or disobeys his parents. Yet parents often tolerate children who rebelliously make fun of them and disobey them.
1 Timothy 5:1 - Do not rebuke an elder, but exhort him as a father. This implies that all people should understand that there are respectful ways to speak to a father, and there are disrespectful ways.

Specifically, parents should never, never let their children say "No" to the parents instructions. This does not refer to when the parent simply asks what the child wants, but when the parent has given the child an instruction. Does saying "No" express honor to the parent? Does it express obedience? May we say "No" to God?

We should train our children to speak respectfully to us, not for our own selfish pride, but because they need to learn respect! [Cf. Ezek. 2:3-7.]

May a Child Ever Express Disagreement with a Parent's Decision?

Some parents refuse to ever allow a child to express disagreement. This builds rebellion because it is simply unfair. Such an approach assumes parents are always infallible, which is simply not true.

1 Timothy 5:1 said Timothy could speak to an elder as to a father - including telling him he was wrong. But the manner he did it must be respectful. If a child speaks calmly, but simply thinks he has a better idea or just does not understand the parents' decision, discuss with him. Maybe he does have a better idea, or the discussion may help him understand the parents' views. Let the parent consider the child's view, but it must be clear that the child must live with the final decision whether or not he likes it.

But if a child speaks with a rebellious, defiant, disrespectful attitude or tone of voice (parents can tell the difference, and so can children), parents must punish the child's defiance, regardless of the worth of his ideas.

We must teach children that we are willing to discuss if they have a humble, respectful attitude; but rebellion will not be tolerated. [Cf. Matt. 19:19; Mk. 7:10; 10:19; Lk. 18:20.]

C. Children Must Never Strike or Hit Their Parents.

When a child becomes angry or frustrated because the parents don't let him have his way, he may strike them in anger. Sometimes larger children injure or even murder their parents.
Exodus 21:15 - He who strikes a parent would be put to death under the Old Law. ("Smite" does not necessarily mean to kill - cf. vv 18,19).

Proverbs 19:26 - He who does violence to ("assaults" - NASB) his parents is a shame and reproach. [Cf. 1 Tim. 1:9.]

Parents must begin early to teach children such conduct will not be tolerated. If your little child hits you in defiance and disagreement with your wishes, you must punish that child severely and teach him he never has the right to strike you.