D. Measure the Effectiveness of Your Methods by the Child's Obedience.

Ephesians 6:1 - Children obey your parents. Obedience is the goal of our training!

Don't judge your effectiveness by how much the child cries, fusses, or throws a fit.

Some parents spank hard enough to cause crying, but not hard enough to cause obedience! They give little smacks that wouldn't hurt anybody. The child fusses so the parents think they've done the job and stop punishing. And the child continues to do as he wants.

Once when my mother spanked me, I told my sister, "It didn't hurt. I just cried so she'd quit." My sister told Mother, and Mother did the job again to make sure it hurt!

The fact a child cries does not prove he is sorry for his wrong and won't do it any more. Some crying is a form of rebellion, protest, or expression of anger. Some children hope their crying will get on their parents' nerves, make them feel guilty, or embarrass them if others hear it. Or maybe the parents will just get tired of all the fuss and trouble, and decide to drop the matter. But if the child isn't doing what you told him to do, your job isn't done yet, no matter how much he cries. Punish him some more till he obeys you!

Determine the methods you use by what WORKS.

Do not automatically resort to spanking. Maybe with a certain child in a certain situation, just a good discussion will solve the matter. Or maybe you can give a lesser punishment or take away a privilege. Different children react differently to different approaches. Learn what works best with each child under various circumstances. But use what produces the desired obedience.
Be sure your rewards are really something the child likes, and your punishments are something he dislikes. In Uncle Remus' tales, Br'er Fox caught Br'er Rabbit and wanted to make him suffer. Br'er Rabbit convinced Br'er Fox that he would suffer terribly, if Br'er Fox would fling him into the briar patch. But when it happened, Br'er Rabbit was happy as could be, because the briar patch was his home!

Some punishments are simply inadequate. Some parents spank on a diaper or on an older child's blue jeans. It makes a loud noise, but the child may feel little or nothing. I always pulled my children's clothing up or down and spanked on their bare thigh. It's a punishment. Make sure it hurts!

Sometimes we may think we are punishing our children; but if they don't change their behavior, then apparently they don't consider the punishment to be severe enough.

Continue working on the problem till the child acts as he should.

Never let the child win a battle of wills. With many children there will come a time - perhaps several or even many times - when he will stubbornly set his will against yours and dare you to make him obey. The Bible calls it "stiff-necked." When that happens, you cannot afford to lose that battle.

If you must spank the child a dozen times, he must learn that, when the parent "puts his foot down," then the child is not going to win. This is not a matter of stubbornness and egotism by the parent. It is a principle of authority for everyone's good.

If the child finds out that, if he is stubborn long enough, he can get his way, then he will be ten times more stubborn next time. But if you can prove without question, while the child is a pre-schooler, that what you say is the way it will be, then there will be far fewer challenges to your authority in later years, including the rebellious teen years.

This is not to say we should refuse to listen to reason. If the child can give good reasons for us to change our minds, that is one matter. But we are discussing a conflict of wills in which the child just doesn't want to do what we told him to do. In that case, you must keep on punishing until the child submits. You must not let him have his way! The goal is obedience.

E. Consider the Reasons Why Your Child Acts as He Does.

How you respond to a child should be determined by why he is acting as he does.

Ephesians 6:4 - Do not provoke children to anger.

You might demand too much because a child is simply too young to understand or be able to do what you asked. Maybe you did not explain clearly enough what you wanted. Maybe he just honestly forgot due to time lapse, tiredness, excitement of circumstances, etc. Maybe he has an unfilled emotional need, and acts as he does out of fear or insecurity or a desire for love and attention. These situations should be handled differently from outright rebellion.

But when the child knows what you want (or ought to know), but he is just rebellious, self-willed, stubborn, and does not want to do what you want, this child must be punished to motivate him to obey.

How can we determine the child's motives?

This is not always easy. It requires thought, experience, and knowledge of the child. Perhaps parents should discuss these matters together. Here are some thoughts to help.

Put yourself in the child's place. When you were his age, how would you have acted and felt in his place? How should you have been handled to produce desired conduct? "Do unto others..." (Matt. 7:12).

Consider how the child would act if he WANTED to do a thing.

Suppose you tell little Johnny to do something, but he fusses and squirms and cries and makes everybody miserable. You may think maybe Johnny is too tired or maybe he's sick. But five minutes later he is doing something he likes, so now he is all smiles and happiness. That proves little Johnny can be pleasant if he wants to - it's your job to see to it that he wants to!

Maybe Johnny says he is too sick to go to school. But then he wants to stay up and play with his toys or go outside and play. When I said I was too sick to go to school, my mother made me stay in bed all day to get better!

So consider whether he is capable of understanding, remembering, and accomplishing the thing you asked of him if it were something he wanted to do. If the answer is "yes," then your job is to give him sufficient reason to want to!