III. Determine Rules and Punishments for the Child's Good.

A. Make Rules for the Good of the Whole Group.

Children sometimes think that being a parent means you get to do whatever you want. This is a misunderstanding, but could it be that their parents' conduct gave them that idea?

1 Corinthians 13:3 - Love does not seek its own; it is not selfish. Love motivates us to do, not what we want, but what is best for the whole group.

Listen to the child and consider his view as you make decisions that affect the child. This is also a matter of love - doing to others as we would want them to do to us (Matt. 7:12).

One of the surest ways to discourage a child (Col. 3:21) is to act selfishly and unjustly toward him, using our authority unreasonably for our personal pleasure. This does not mean the child should just have his way. That is not good for him or for anyone in the group. There must be rules, and rules must be enforced. But they must be made for the good of all.

B. Exercise Punishment for the Good of the Child.

Some "authorities" claim that all punishment is inherently unloving. One says that, whenever punishment occurs, parents have forsaken "the positive feelings of love and understanding" (The Complete Book of Mothercraft via Plain Truth about Child Rearing, p. 58). This conclusion is false, but if parents aren't careful it can be true.

Hebrews 12:5-11 - God's chastisement of His people illustrates a father's discipline of his children. God chastens those He loves. This is for our profit and yields good fruit. Properly done, chastening is an act of love that benefits those who receive it.

Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares the rod hates his son. One who loves will chasten (use the rod) when needed. (Cf. Prov. 23:13,14.)

The child needs to learn to act properly and respect authority. This will give him a much better life as an adult. We will discuss spanking and punishment later, but the point here is to remember to punish in love for the child's good.

C. Consider Some Specific Guidelines Regarding Making Rules and Punishing in Love

These involve personal judgment but are generally valid.

Never use your authority to get personal vengeance on a child.

Sometimes parents punish simply because they have been inconvenienced or embarrassed by the child. For example, suppose the child interrupts the parent from a pleasant activity or uses a bad word in front of the parent's friends. The child may need to be punished, but are we motivated by concern for the child, or are we acting from selfish reasons?

Never punish the child in a fit of uncontrolled anger.

Not all anger is sinful, nor it is wrong to punish a child in anger. God has often punished people in anger. But anger must be controlled (Eph. 4:26).

Sometimes parents beat a child (or worse) in a fit of rage. Others yell, scream, clench their teeth, and lose control. Such parents are not likely to act for the child's good.

Usually the solution is to punish the child before the parent loses his temper, while he is still in control.

Never use authority just to satisfy a desire for power.

Some parents seem to dominate children just to prove that they are boss, to satisfy their ego, or to impress their friends. Like tyrants or dictators they get a thrill from controlling others.

Parents who use authority in unloving ways are wrong, first because they have disobeyed God's law of love, second because they unnecessarily discourage their children, and third because they are not likely to gain the child's respect and obedience.

When you make rules or punish your child, are you acting in love for your child's good?