IV. Guidelines for Proper Use of Punishments and Rewards

To be effective and Scriptural, punishments and rewards must be administered according to certain rules. The mere fact you use spanking (or other punishments) and rewards, does not of itself guarantee parental success.

A. Never Inflict Lasting Damage to a Child.

Remember that your purpose is to punish the child for his good, not for his harm. We seek only temporary pain to change the child's conduct. To inflict lasting harm is not an act of love, does not accomplish the purpose of punishment, and violates the principle that we are not to discourage our children (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).

Yet many parents do harm their children. Child abuse is a very definite problem in our society. Literally thousands of children every year are beaten to death by their parents, left abandoned, or otherwise inflicted with lasting harm. All such conduct neglects parental responsibility and violates Scripture.

B. Control Children by Prompt Action, Not by Words.

Some parents try to control children by words. Dr. Dobson (DTD, pp 9,10) gives an example of a woman whose children would run completely unrestrained throughout the neighborhood. Her form of "discipline" was to run out her door from time to time and scream, "I have had it with you; I have had it with you children!" Then she would turn and go back into the house, while her children continued to terrorize the neighborhood!

All of us know such methods are ineffective. But many make the same mistake in other ways. They may nag and harp, threaten and scold: "What's the matter with you, Son. You never do what I say. What am I going to do with you? It seems like you're always getting into something. Why can't you do what you're told? Other children obey their parents, why can't you? Etc., etc., etc." "This is the last time I'm going to tell you that this is the last time I'm going to tell you!"
Others try to control children by getting loud or by long lectures. We made mistakes in this area. One of us would get loud and gruff with the kids; the other would repeatedly give long lectures. This may not be sinful, but the point is that it is not effective.

In church meetings we see children misbehave, so parents repeatedly whisper to them, tug at them, shake them, grab them and sit them down. But the problem continues.

The problem is that the child gets used to talk and simply turns it off. It may work at first, but then he learns to gauge how loud, how angry, how long you threaten and scold before you do anything. Then he will push you to the limit. He will pay no attention until you reach the fever pitch where he thinks you are about to take action. The parent gets louder and angrier until finally he ends up having to punish the child anyway.

Further, the parent's verbal barrage often results in a return barrage. We scold; he argues and fusses. We scold louder and longer; he argues and fusses louder and longer. Other family members overhear. The result is that everyone becomes angry, frustrated, and upset.
Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly (NKJV; cf. Heb. 12:5-11). We think we are showing love for the child by not punishing him, but we would show more love and have a better relationship if we would just punish and get it over with.

The solution is to use action to motivate. We should talk to the child once enough to make sure he understands what is expected. If he is old enough to understand and if circumstances are appropriate, we should explain our reasons. If he disobeys, we may explain a second time to be sure he understands. But if he understands what we want and he just does not want to obey, then it is time for action, not words.

If you discipline "promptly," soon you won't have to argue with him. He will obey "promptly," because he now knows that you will back up your words with action. The result of disciplining "promptly" is that eventually you end up disciplining less, and meanwhile you have a much more peaceful home.

Arguing begets arguing; action begets action.

C. Always Control Yourself When Disciplining.

Ephesians 4:26 - Be angry and do not sin. Being angry with our children is not necessarily sinful, but if we are not careful it can lead to sin.

When we become extremely angry and agitated, there is danger that we may make decisions that are bad for the child. We may even lose control and cause serious violence and harm. So we really should keep ourselves under control, and administer discipline calmly. But how do we accomplish this?

Interestingly enough, the answer is the same as the last point: Take action early, before the situation gets out of hand. Obtain action from the child by taking action yourself. He is not likely to do what you say until he thinks you will take action if he does not. So don't keep postponing the action. When the child does something that you will eventually punish him for if he does not change, warn him calmly once or twice. If he does not obey, calmly punish him.

Consistent application of this approach will lead to less arguing, less anger, less upset, and less threatening. But the result will also be less punishment, in the long run. Why? Because when the child learns that you mean what you say, he will act when you tell him to, instead of agitating till you have to punish him. By punishing more promptly, you end up punishing less frequently. Greater commitment to action leads to decreased need for action. More is less.

Yes, you can and should learn to punish children calmly. Remember it: Arguing begets arguing; action begets action.